My Not-So-Friendly Water Drinking Reminder by Me, for Me

I won’t even listen to your excuses without a glass of water in front that you’ve taken a sip out of.

I’ll wait…

Rocket science this ain’t. Water is life.

Not money.

Water.

How is it sooooo difficult to get in eight measly glasses of it a day?

I mean!

There are places in this world where people walk MILES to fetch water each day to bring home. Here it is pouring out your tap at the flick of the wrist and…

AND???

Got water filters. Water fountains. Drinking stations. Reusable water bottles (don’t come at me with no plastic mess!) Free water in restaurants. Bars. Government buildings.

Ooooh, sometimes I could smack you!

Doing your best?

For real. Managed six cups of water yesterday.

DOING YOUR BEST???

Tell that to your central nervous system.

Like “Yo, homie! Can you make do with 150 mls today. I dunno, maybe nix a few brain cells. Cut back on neural impulses to the legs. Somebody got too BUSY to meet quota. Yeah, I know.”

Too bad if you get the worst brain fog ever and can’t make the simplest of decisions.

Dizziness, Feeling faint. Have fun with that!

Oh poor you! Got to go to the bathroom a lot drinking that much water? That’s mighty inconvenient, huh?

Well not nearly as inconvenient as not having a functioning urinary system.

Damn skippy, be glad for peeing.

All the people who can’t.

Clinical interventions and catheters. Now urine on display in a bag. For all to see. Aaand has to be regularly emptied. Yay.

Them people prolly would trade places with you inna heartbeat.

Hmm. I wonder what major component aids kidneys, ureter, bladder, and urethra in running smoothly?

Lo and behold, it’s water!

Don’t even get me started on the constipation thang. Go ahead and take your colon for granted. See who wins that battle.

Stop complaining and start drinking.

At work and can’t take them kinda breaks you say?

Remind your employer of the law. That you are a human organism of evidence-based research with scientifically proven needs and how much fun it would be for a class action lawsuit with the whole world watching. Then secretly look for alternative employment or source of income.

You don’t need those types of @$$holes in your life.

Not to mention the hassle of being off sick with kidney stones or cardiac complications from repeatedly insufficient H2O intake.

Wanna piss everybody off with your heightened irritability due to low hydration levels?

I cannot make this stuff up.

Nobody will like you today and it’s all your fault for being a hydrophobe. That’s about as watered down as the truth gets.

Too cold?

You do know that you can warm it up right?

Don’t like room temperature water?

Duh! Science 101. It exist in all states.

Chill it. Suck on ice cubes.

Just. Get. It. In.

Do you find it bland and unappealing? Don’t like the taste?

Geez, guess you wouldn’t be able to taste at all if your tongue’s taste receptors were non-functional due to severe dehydration.

For the life of Sue, throw some lemon/lime slices in! Oranges. Strawberries. Water will take all your pretty fruit, be infused with its essence, and STILL be water.

Your body is 80% water. Every major system in your body requires water to function. Every. One. Call me a liar. Pick a system!

1. Respiratory

2. Cardiovascular

3. Integumentary (Skin)

4. Nervous

5. Endocrine (Hormones)

6. Lymphatic

7. Muscular

8. Skeletal

9. Reproductive

10. Urinary

11. Digestive

Those achy joints won’t get better on gin alone.

Imagine having to digest that spaghetti carbonara with the stomach, liver, and intestines to follow through sans a drop of liquid.

Yikes!

Well, where’d you think the water came from? Outer space.

Want to catch everything going this cold and flu season?

Skimp on water.

Want all the organs that matter to work to optimum in the bedroom?

Level up already.

Your average adult daily water requirement is 2,000 mls a day. That’s roughly 167 mls an hour, let's say over a twelve-hour period. FYI: Men need 2,500 mls/day (208 mls/hour over a twelve-hour period) and children between 1,000-2,000 mls/day (83–167 mls/hour over the same period.)

For a body that maintains homeostasis in miraculous fashion over decades, is the minimum water requirement too much to ask?

Do the drench today, please.

(Previously published on Medium)

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