Exploring Grief and Relief in ADHD

For the longest time, I felt something was wrong with me, like something was lost. I felt like a puzzle with a missing piece. I was wandering through life without a map, direction, or guidance on where to go or what to do. At the age of 24, in December 2024, I finally discovered the missing link- ADHD. The revelation brought a mix of emotions, combining both relief and grief.

Relief Amidst the Storm

I felt a sense of relief that washed over me like a warm embrace, comforting yet with a tinge of regret. Finally, I had a name for the mental chaos that had been living rent-free in my head for all of these years. Finding out the reason behind my quirks and struggles felt like a breath of fresh air. With this newfound knowledge, I embarked on self-discovery and acceptance.

Therapy became my safe place; I was lucky to find a therapist who understood me. Their office became my sanctuary, where I learned to navigate the high tides of ADHD, developing coping mechanisms and building habits to manage ADHD. Each session was a step towards reclaiming control over my life, something I felt like I had no control over for years. I am finally working on being self-compassionate and loving myself despite my flaws.

A Grief Unearthed

Despite feeling relieved after my diagnosis, I also felt like I was drowning in grief. I couldn't help but wonder how different my life might have been if ADHD had been recognised earlier and integrated into my childhood narrative. The memories of feeling misunderstood, labelled as "difficult" and "naughty" haunted me like ghosts from a forgotten past.

I always felt like I didn't fit in as a child. I struggled to adapt to the world around me, as it didn't seem designed for someone with my unique personality. I was often labelled a 'slow learner' and held onto my childhood comforts longer than most kids. I had trouble staying quiet in school and was usually punished for talking too much. High school was the same, with missed assignments and incomplete tasks affecting my academic performance.

The Journey Continues

During university, I constantly changed my majors and let go of my dreams. I took on multiple casual jobs but needed more than that to satisfy my deep dissatisfaction. I also launched a few business ventures, each with grand visions. Still, all faded into obscurity like shooting stars in the night sky.

I struggled for years, navigating through life's maze. I thought my difficulties were just a part of growing up, and I blamed myself for not trying hard enough. However, I came to realise that my self-doubt was a result of an underlying neurological condition that I hadn't acknowledged before.

A New Chapter Begins

Self-acceptance is a long and continuous journey that takes time to accomplish. I have just discovered my true self and am slowly getting there. Although I have ADHD, it does not define who I am as a person. Every day, I learn to appreciate my uniqueness and celebrate my individuality.

Now, I stand at my past and present intersection, facing life's twists and turns with a newfound sense of purpose and clarity. Although the road ahead may be challenging, I walk with my head held high, knowing I am not alone. ADHD may have come late in my life. Still, it is a significant part of my story, a testament to the resilience of the human spirit when faced with adversity.

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