Could I Have Found What I Didn’t Know I Was Looking For in My Online Dating Search — Right Next Door to Me?

My story, “Dating an “Older Man” — A Whole Different Story When You’re No Longer 20 Years Old” seems to have hit a nerve. It has been very popular with readers on both Vocal and Medium platforms.

To recap, the premise was:

I am a 74-year-old lonely widow looking through online dating sites for, I thought, a date. I knew I didn’t want a long-term romance or live-in boyfriend. I had a long, passionate marriage with the love of my life, and I was satisfied with that. So what was I looking for? A companion? Company? I didn’t know. I figured I’d throw my hat into the online dating ring and see who pulled it out. I started to fill out the form.

As I explained in that story …

When I was 20 years old, I thought it would be exciting to date an “older” man. In my inexperienced life, I thought dating a 30-year-old promised stimulating conversation, exciting sex, adventurous travel, and unexplored restaurants, museums, theaters, and cities. (Yeah, well, that reality didn’t always live up to the expectation, but that’s a story for another time.)

When I was filling out the form, reality hit me across my gray-haired head and I realized that at my now advanced age of 74 years, an “older” man was minimally 84 years old, and if not teetering on death, severely health-compromised, requiring the aid of a cane and/or walker to get around, a history of health issues and surgeries, and a multitude of pills to stay alive. (Sounds like I’m describing myself.)

I ended the article with three glaringly obvious facts:

1. Most of the 80+-year-old men bragged about their excellent health, sexual prowess, strength, ability to walk, hike, man a sailboat, cook, dance, romance a woman, and dress equally well in jeans and a tuxedo.

2. According to the comments by the women who had dated many similar braggarts in person, they were LIARS. Their profile pictures were from another decade, and they were incapable of the abilities they espoused.

3. I was honest, posting recent pictures (no more than a year old) and I explained exactly what physical limitations a series of illnesses has caused me — no mountain climbing or parachute jumping for me. (Geez, I need my cane to keep from falling on my face when I cross the street.)

So here I am with an update. I decided it was time for me to seriously assess what I was looking for. It seems that my wants and needs do not align with those of the men on the dating sites. After a careful, in-depth study of both sides, here is what I discovered:

In general, men admit to looking for:

· A soulmate

· A life partner

· Long-term romance

· Regular sex

· A woman who is healthy, financially independent, beautiful, well-dressed, well-maintained (manicured, pedicured, hair coifed)

Men infer (if you read between the lines) that they want a woman who:

· Will live with him

· Will cook for him

· Will take care of him

Specifically, after much soul-searching, I realized that I want:

1. · An intelligent conversation partner

· Someone with whom to share laughter

· A theater companion

· A dinner companion

· A reliable friend

· And I’m not dead, so yes, if there are sparks and ability, I’m all for sex, too. But he has to go home afterward.

Specifically, I DO NOT want:

· A live-in patient. I loved and adored my husband. I would have done anything for him, including taking care of him through 10 years of diabetes and Alzheimer’s Disease before the work was so overwhelming, I had to place him in a nursing home. I’m not interested in taking care of someone I hardly know.

· Someone else invading my time and space.

Then something unexpected happened that made me realize that maybe I have been looking for the wrong experience in the wrong place. Maybe what I have been seeking has been right in front of my face all along.

As those of you who follow my writing are aware, I live in an Independent Living Villa in a Continuing Care Community. I eat dinner every evening in a dining room with the same group from my Villa Community. Our table is made up of me, three other women and an 88-year-old (male) retired professor of Ancient and American History.

It happened slowly. I didn’t see it coming. It snuck up on me. I crave intelligent conversation, something not always readily available in my area.

I noticed that Professor J always had something interesting to say — fascinating information that piqued my interest and made me ask for more. He also expressed interest in my writing. I looked forward to our dinner conversations.

One afternoon we ran into each other at the pool and talked for over an hour. I discovered that he, like me, was widowed by Alzheimer’s Disease. He, like me, was an unabashed dog lover. We talked about how his dog was warm, comforting company since his wife had died.

We talked about our love of teaching. We discussed how ancient history related to modern political upheaval; we discussed my writing; we discussed a wide variety of interesting topics. When it was time to leave, we simultaneously said that we enjoyed talking to each other and looked forward to doing it again.

We ran into each other at the clubhouse a week later and spent another hour talking about fascinating topics. I was thrilled to ask in-depth questions and receive educated, intelligent answers that are in limited supply in this neck of the woods. We again said that we loved talking to each other and agreed to visit regularly, noting that our villas are next door to one another.

With ease as if I had been doing it forever, a couple of days ago I rang his doorbell, and we spent over two hours talking about every subject from ancient history to religion to dog training. His sweet poodle sat at my feet, only occasionally jumping up for a kiss. When it was time to leave, we reiterated how much we enjoyed talking to each other and were going to make a habit of it.

So there you have it. Maybe all that time I spent trolling online dating sites, I wasn’t looking for a date. I know I wasn’t looking for romance. Maybe all I was looking for was enjoyable company, mutual interests, intelligent conversation, and hearty laughter. And there it was right next door to me with — an OLDER man. That’s all I need for now. How about that?

Have any of you taken a step back and reassessed what you are really looking for on these dating sites? Maybe it’s not what you think and that’s why you are not finding it. Maybe an “older” guy will fit the bill just fine.

Originally published in Medium Publication, Crow' Feet

©2022 Joan Gershman