Dating an “Older Man” — A Whole Different Story When You’re No Longer 20 Years Old

I have a mirror and I can count. I know that I am no tightly toned, smooth-skinned athletic 20-year-old beauty and I can count to 74 — the number of birthdays I have had. With this understanding, and with no offense meant to men my age and older, I write this observation on how life’s perspectives change as the years pass by.

When I was 20, I longed to date an “older” man — 10–15 years older than me seemed ideal. The idea of spending time with a man, rather than an immature college boy, was exciting, intriguing, and even a little risky. I’ll bet Priscilla Beaulieu (later Presley) felt the same when she met Elvis Presley, who was 10 years her senior.

I anticipated conversations and experiences:

CAREER: There would be so much for me to learn from conversations with someone whose career was already in progress.

TRAVEL: Travel experience stories — not to mention the anticipation of inviting me to accompany him on an exotic travel adventure.

WORLD AND POLITICAL VIEWS: Conversations based on more life experience than those of an idealistic college student.

SEX:– Surely an older man possessed sexual finesse unknown to college boys only interested in fulfilling their own needs as quickly as possible.

Most of those dates did not pan out as I had expected, but those are stories for another time — the 30-year-old who made me pay for my plane trip to visit him and never took me for a meal the entire weekend; the shoe salesman and grocery clerk; the 28-year-old who was horrified and angry at his friend who had fixed him up with a girl who wasn’t old enough to order an alcoholic drink in a restaurant; and a lesson that taught me that many older men are as only interested in their own sexual needs as any college boy.

Fast forward a few decades and here we are:

· Now that I am a 74-year-old widow trolling online dating sites (after a first failed trial attempt —My Senior Online Dating Saga), the idea of dating a man 10–15 years older than me doesn’t have quite the appeal it had 54 years ago.

· Faced with filling out the form that asks what age range I was looking for, I must have forgotten about my last 50 birthday cakes and reverted to my college days of looking for an “older” man. I did some simple math. Ten years older than me would be — 84. Uh, oops. That didn’t look right. What happened to 30? Oh, yeah, that could be my grandchild’s age, if I had a grandchild. 84? No, I didn’t want to date an 84-year-old. (Fear not, older men, I am going to give you a chance at rebuttal.)

The problem was that most of the men whose profiles I read had also forgotten their birthdays or were endowed with age-reversing superpowers to which the rest of us are not privy. They emphasized their physical prowess and that they were looking for a woman who could keep up with their hiking, horseback riding, miles of bicycling, and mountain climbing.

I am not implying that it’s impossible to be in decent physical condition at 80+ years old, but no one comes with an unlimited warranty. Most 80-year-old parts aren’t original and those that are, need assistance to work — canes, walkers, hearing aids, and a weekly box of candy-colored pills. (Don’t forget the little blue ones.)

I have adjusted to my new reality:

· At 74, I come with a curious mind, a never-ending thirst for knowledge, interesting conversation (so I’ve been told), and a sharp sense of humor. However, along with those positives are physical negatives over which I have no control. A series of severe illnesses and aging have left me wobbly enough that I require a cane to walk. I tire easily and do not have the physical ability for hiking and other requirements of which many of the 80+-year-old men on these dating sites insist they are capable.

· I am no longer seeking an “older” man. In my current world, an “older” man means closer to the end of life rather than experiencing an exciting adventure.

If there is a man on one of those dating sites who has adjusted to his reality — that he doesn’t have the physical ability of a 40-year-old, and that older women who walk with canes still have qualities worth pursuing, I may pay for another trial membership and see if I can strike up a conversation with an interesting “oldie”.

On the flip side, there are probably a lot of men reading this who used to and would still like to date “younger women”. Have you accepted your reality as you have aged as I have accepted mine? I would love to see some stories written by “older” men from their perspective, perhaps changing their tune on dating “younger” women.

Originally published in the Medium.com publication, Crow's Feet.

©2022 Joan Gershman