A Pharmaceutical Nightmare

In an hour, minutes would have passed in her mind. It confused her that everything was normal, but she was being stared at in fright. She lay there weak, weary from the hours passed, no memory, mind blank. The apathy she felt for the first time all day cleansed her heavy soul because her body could bear the burning anger no longer. As the exhaustion only further set in, she came to understand the fright in her family’s eyes as she discovered the altered environment. The scattered furniture and mysterious bruises on her skin were evidence that this was the bed she made, and guilt would soon transpire.

Her story went like this, discovering remnants of the events wiped clean from memory by a medication that was supposed to be helping her. She was a detective, hunting herself down because she didn’t have control in her own body. Maybe she could recount a second or two before and after the fact, but something overtook her. She was angry for only a short time, as far as she knew, and then would somehow end up on the ground hours later after vivid hallucinations. After her body was in fight or flight for that long, she felt exhausted. The realization that she had lost touch with reality once again would set in. It was a cycle.

Unfortunately, that was me until I made the decision to stop taking medicine prescribed to me on the pretense that I would be “crazy” without it and try to hurt others. This was the narrative spun in my psychiatry office every Tuesday afternoon- That there was something wrong with me, and it was all in my head, but that it was my fault for not trying. I explained to them that I had pain that manifested physically as an intense urge to rip my skin off. I mean, I pleaded with them, telling them that it burned, and it was a debilitating pain. How if I didn’t rock back and forth, it would compound. It got so bad that I had a hard time just standing there at work, breathing.

It genuinely made me want to die, and I had never felt that way before the medication. When I tried to get my psychiatrist to listen and understand, I was only prescribed more medication on top of what I was taking. When I explained my physical symptoms to professionals, I was told that I was feeling anxiety and that it was my fault because I wasn’t coping well enough. Being called dramatic while going through the most pain I’ve ever been in has made me feel like I shouldn’t come out about this. I can’t imagine how many people have been through what I have and are powerless.

They were able to keep doing this, saying I was out of my mind, because there weren’t a lot of people who believed my story. I was a young girl diagnosed with bipolar, so I must have been making up what I was feeling. I always did question the “intensive” process used by my psychiatric practice to diagnose. I thought that it would be rigorous testing, but apparently all it takes is for someone to shout out an answer upon hardly knowing you. I was feeling lost in my life, and I could have felt better with some support. Instead, I was robbed of my freedom and voice to fight for myself as well as exploited at the hands of those who could help. I started just telling them that the medication was working because I knew they didn’t care how I really felt.

People forget that the psychiatrists that prescribe these medications were just people before they were doctors- susceptible to advertising like anyone else. Most of all, they are people who are likely in crippling debt from paying their way through about 12 years of medical schooling, which makes them the prime candidates to accept monetary gain besides their normal income. Aside from marketing to doctors, pharmaceutical companies are also guilty of making direct payments to them in order for them to prescribe the drug as well as falsely approve drug trials and even talk on behalf of the drug.

It has gotten so bad that legislation had to get involved and make these occurrences public through Open Payments Legislation, thinking it would dissuade corruption, “The most remarkable result of the Open Payments legislation is that the pharmaceutical companies are no longer attempting to hide this financial influence. The face of commerce is visible at every stage of the process: the biased design of the trials, the spinning of the results, and the subsequent touting of the drugs to prescribers. Thanks to the Open Payments database, the amount of money flowing to psychiatrists at each stage can now be reported.” While knowing what's going on is a great first step, The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services recently published the 2021 payments, and the industry is still more corrupt than ever.

I’m one of the many people who were medically abused as a result of doctors being paid to pedal dangerous drugs. After enough prescription bottles to fill a cabinet full, I can only describe my experience with Western attitudes towards medication as nightmarish. They have so much money and power at this point that they’re not afraid to conduct themselves this way publicly because they know there’s nothing someone like me can do about it.

I’ve shared my story now, and it’s up to the individual whether or not to prioritize considering what we’re letting happen. Awareness is the only weapon we have when the entire medical industry is run by marketing. If you or someone you know is seeking clinical care, then absolutely do so. All that I’m saying is don’t underestimate talk therapy, and take medication based off of your own research. If something feels wrong, then don’t let others gaslight you because you know that what you’re feeling is real. It’s a sad day when you can no longer trust professionals with their work, but it’s an even harsher reality every day that this festers.

Works Cited

Anatomy of an Industry: Commerce, Payments to Psychiatrists and Betrayal of the Public Good, 1 Jun. 2022, www.madinamerica.com/2021/09/anatomy-industry-commerce-payments-psychiatrists-betrayal-public-good/. Accessed 18 Sept. 2021.

Open Payments Data, 1 Jun. 2022, openpaymentsdata.cms.gov/.