The Pompous Post Welcomes Harold Hindsight, Our New In-House Medium

Here at The Pompous Post, we are proud (and somewhat nervous) to introduce our newest member of the team: columnist “Harold Hindsight, Medium and Overseer of the Enlightened.” Harold claims to see beyond the veil of time itself. According to Harold (and Harold alone), he has already helped thousands of brothers and sisters reach their “best selves”. Though none of them could be reached for comment. His résumé includes healings of mysterious ailments and horoscope readings so accurate they could have been copied and pasted from a fortune cookie. The locating of “lost relatives” (most of whom happened to be at Applebee’s), and regular chats with the dearly departed.

Just ask him, he will gladly tell you all about it… At length… Repeatedly.

He has promised to bring our subscribers unparalleled wisdom, insider knowledge of the cosmos, and perhaps even the winning numbers to next week’s lotto! His services are allegedly sought after globally, and by some stroke of cosmic luck (or possibly clerical error), we have managed to secure his talents here at The Pompous Post.

This week, we grant him the page, uninterrupted, as he descends into his trance and shares what the universe whispers.

The Column of Harold Hindsight

My beloved readers… gather close. The ether trembles… (making a rumbling sound under his breath) The veil is thin. Even now… as I sit before this keyboard, the energies of tomorrow pour into me, like Folgers into a styro-foam cup. I, Harold Hindsight, open myself to the mysteries beyond.

I breathe in the vibrations… I exhale the static… and now… I begin… Oooohhhhmmmm… SSSHHH!! Sorry…

Vision I

“I see a great awakening… a rumbling in the valleys… the hills themselves quiver with anticipation… and lo! From their very soil emerges the mighty Juan Valdez, bearing his eternal burden… for soon, coffee shall once again be poured into drive-thru cups, with an optional pump of pumpkin spice.”

Vision II

“The shadows lengthen, and I behold the coming of night. Darkness falls swiftly and mercilessly across the land. But worry not, chosen ones, for at dawn… the darkness shall retreat, chased away by the sun, which rises… as foretold… in the east.”

Vision III

“A banquet is laid before me. I smell rich aromas. I hear clinking of forks and knives… a family gathered, united… until one, YES ONE… shall betray the circle by declaring: ‘This turkey is a little dry.’ And thus Thanksgiving will proceed as usual.”

Vision IV

“The winds blow. I hear whispers… urgent, desperate… they chant: ‘Beware the one who comes in disguise.’ Their warning is true. For very soon, perhaps within weeks, a child shall dress as a vampire… but lo! It shall only be a costume, purchased at Party City.”

Vision V

“I behold a man of stature. His tie is red, his hair is styled, his voice thunders across the chamber. The crowd listens, enthralled… and yet, by the following Tuesday, not a soul will recall a single syllable of his speech.”

Vision VI

“The hourglass empties… sands of time fall one by one… and then… silence. YES, SILENCE! Until the microwave beeps, announcing with great power and authority… that the Pocket of the divine is ready.”

Vision VII

“The earth trembles, the air crackles, I feel a chill upon my spine… Something… YES SOMETHING!… something dire approaches. A great heaviness descends from on high. The spirits are troubled. I have seen the face of doom itself… and it is the DMV line on a Monday morning.”

The Sign-Off

Thus concludes the visions. I, Harold Hindsight, have spoken. Take heed, dear readers. The energies do not lie. The future is etched upon the stone tablets of destiny… and I alone have glimpsed it. Until next week… unless those from on high silence me before my time is ended.

— Harold Hindsight, Medium and Overseer of the Enlightened