People Who Count Starting With Their Thumbs Are LYING!

When I count using my fingers, I start with my index finger. Because I am an Honest Counter. I’m not one of these flashy, starts-with-the-thumb-grabbing-your-attention type counters. I’m no liar!

Let’s start things off by saying, if you are not an Honest Counter, that’s alright. Just admit it. Don’t pretend that “Starting with my thumb is just easier.” No it’s not! It looks cooler! I’ll give you that. But it’s not easier. And what is counting essentially? It’s math! The most basic form of math, but nonetheless, math. And do people dedicate their lives to math… get jobs in the field of math… to be cool?

No!

Quite the opposite. People are into math because of an extreme aversion to “being cool” and have decided “being smart” is more important to them. Or more attainable. So, the true way to count, the honest way to count, is not the way that looks coolest. It’s the way in which you start with your index finger.

Index finger, middle finger, ring finger, pinky finger, thumb… thumb is five. Not one.

What’s the difference, Steve?! What do you have against Thumb Counters?

Oh, you mean Dishonest Counters? I don’t have anything against them. But what I will tell you is why they are wrong.

Whenever you see a Dishonest Counter count using their fingers, they usually only go to three. Or… if they go to five… they blow through four real fast. When listing the advantages of a job, or the reasons why they’re going to move to Seattle (a real cool location for those cool, hip Dishonest Counters, it’s full of them), or any list they are creating, they will never stop on four. And it’s because of that blasted ring finger. I don’t know if it has anything to do with the fight against commitment that is coded deep inside the DNA of human beings… but that finger that you place a ring on… it has a real tough time actually extending out in certain scenarios, doesn’t it?

I think it has something to do with the webbing in between your fingers (I’m not going to look it up, this isn’t an anatomy research piece, we are just throwing out guesses here) or the fact that the ring finger is desperately trying to avoid getting that metal collar wrapped around its neck.

Make a fist. Now, try to extend only your ring finger. It looks like you were in a horrible accident, doesn’t it? That ring finger doesn’t extend except for in pristine circumstances. It’s like your friend who won’t go on a hike with you unless it is under 82 degrees Fahrenheit and above 68 degrees. What a tight range of comfort you live in, Chad! Get hot. Get cold. Deal with it. Bring a jacket. Wear layers that you may discard. Welcome a bead of sweat to your skin!

Sheesh.

Anyway, now that we have established why your ring finger is your particular friend Chad, you can understand why that little fella ain’t comin’ out unless everything is perfect.

Go ahead, try to count to 5 on your hand, staring with your thumb. By the way, as you do it, you’re going to feel very cool and you will be tempted to go and call the captain of the football team from high school all those years ago and challenge him to arm wrestle. Don’t do it! You don’t have cool points, you just feel like you do. As you count, starting on your thumb, it will be impossible to not shake your hand as you do it… as if the flinging about of your fist incurs the fingers to come out of their locked position and stand at attention representing a number on your oh-so-important list.

Thumb, one. Index, two. Middle, three.

Go ahead, try to get to point number four. Aw, look at the cute little guy. He doesn’t like the temperature out here? It’s too cold for him? He wants to stay inside all day with the space heater on underneath his quilt watching Frasier reruns?

That is why Dishonest Counters only give you three points, or if they have to give you four, they have to give you five… and they skip four really quick. Because Chad the Ring Finger doesn’t want to come out to play. Once the pinky finger comes out, the ring finger will join him. He is also that friend that won’t come hang out with you and your group unless the one other guy is there.

“Who's all going to be hanging out?”

“Dammit Chad, do you need Josh to be there? Are the rest of us just not good enough for you?”

Now count starting on your index finger. Yeah, the ring finger just stands at full attention on three, doesn’t he? Now, you don’t feel obliged to do some cool fist shaking as you count your numbers. Admittedly, it’s bland as milquetoast. It’s more bland than milquetoast because at least milquetoast is spelled with a Q and a barrage of silent letters afterwards, looking like the name of some ancient castle in France.

“He died protecting the Camambert from the hungry and ill-mannered foreign army here at Castle Milquetoast. Now, grab your glasses of Chateau Laffitte (loads of silent letters) and follow me into the next room where you will see where the first beret was paired with a white and black horizontally striped shirt.”

Okay… that metaphor got away from me. Where was I?

Oh yeah, bland, milquetoastier than milquetoast counting. Starting with the index. But that’s the way it’s supposed to be done! It’s counting! It’s math! It’s not supposed to be cool!

So, next time someone counts starting with their thumb, and they tell you “it’s easier” or “it makes more sense” you tell them they are a Dishonest Counter. Honest Counting starts on the index finger! It lacks flair but it gets the job done! And we Honest Counters can count out a list to four and make it there with ease!

How about you Dishonest Counters? Can you do that? No!

So, there is only one way! Starting with the index finger.

Then again, I suppose you could start with the pinky…

But who the hell does that?

Needing-To-Be-Different Counters. That’s who. Oh, don’t even get me started on them!

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