I Don’t Trust Anyone Who Answers the Phone Anymore...

There was a time, long ago, in a gentler and more naïve civilization, when the sound of a ringing phone meant something simple. It meant someone wanted to talk to you. That time is dead… Murdered. Buried beneath an avalanche of robocalls, extended warranties, suspicious silences, heavy breathing, and one deeply committed individual who keeps asking if you’ve considered switching to solar power, even though you live in a forest yurt, and haven’t seen the sun since 2009. 

Today, when a phone rings, it does not inspire curiosity; it inspires assessment. More to the point, a threat assessment. Because if there’s one thing modern life has taught us, it’s this: “If I don’t recognize the number, I ain’t answering it.” Not now, not later, not ever... Not even if it looks local. I may have fallen off a turnip truck, but I didn’t land on my head…..Mmmmkkkkkkk??? 

The Golden Rule of Modern Phone Survival 

We all follow the same unspoken law now, whether we admit it or not: 

“If it’s really important, they’ll leave a message.” 

This rule is sacred. This rule is foundational. This rule has been etched into the collective human psyche, like a prehistoric wall painting. 

“Observe… Evaluate… Decide.” 

And so we let it ring. We watch it ring. We maintain unblinking eye contact with the phone as if it might make a sudden move. The ringtone plays. Our heart rate increases slightly, depending on the area code. Our hand hovers… but does not move. We are calm and patient. We are in control, and the control feels so good! MUAHAHAHAHA….Oh, sorry…..I’m ok now. 

The Voicemail Vetting Process (A Sacred Ritual) 

If the call stops ringing and transitions into voicemail, congratulations, you have advanced to Phase Two. This is where the real work begins. Listening to a voicemail is no longer passive. It is an investigative forensic process. A mini CSI, if you will… 

We listen the way detectives listen to wiretaps. 

• Is the voice human, algorithmic, or… AI? 

• Is there unnatural enthusiasm? 

• Is the cadence… off? 

• Is there background noise that suggests a boiler room, a wind tunnel, or a call center built inside a volcano? 

A legitimate caller will identify themselves clearly. A suspicious caller will say things like: 

“Hi… uh… yeah… this is… um… calling about… well, you should probably call me back.” 

No. Absolutely not. You have failed the audition, and we won’t be calling you back. Please tell your agent. 

Silence: The Most Aggressive Voicemail of All 

Then there’s the voicemail that is just… silence. No message. No words. 
 
Just five seconds of ambient nothingness before it disconnects. That’s not a voicemail. That’s a possible threat from a derriere! How dare you butt-dial me!?? Or, is that someone or something testing the line? Testing your reaction? That’s the digital equivalent of ‘Ding-Dong-Ditch’… Someone knocking on your door at night and leaving before you have the chance to answer. We don’t call those people back either. We lock the doors and peer menacingly at the street for unmarked Black SUVs. 

The Anxiety Spectrum of Voicemails 

Strangely, our emotional response to voicemail has flipped entirely. 

• If they don’t leave a message: relief. 

• If they do leave a message: anxiety. 

• If the message says, “Call me back when you get this,” dread. 

Stop it! Stop doing that… That sentence contains no useful information and offers no context. It is the relationship equivalent of saying, “We need to talk.” Then, walking away while you are still at work, with a vacant stare on your face. No, we don’t. You need to explain yourself before I make mocking facial gestures at your back. 

When Actual Humans Become Suspicious 

Here’s the real twist: the system has broken us so thoroughly that real people now feel untrustworthy. If a friend calls without texting first, we assume something is wrong. If a family member calls unexpectedly, we prepare for news. If anyone says, “I tried calling you,” our immediate response is defensive. 

“Yeah, I saw that. Why didn’t you text?” 

Calling someone without warning in 2026 is the social equivalent of showing up at their house unannounced and knocking loudly. Were you raised by wolves? We don’t conduct ourselves that way in civilized society. Or maybe it’s just me… There is a good chance that I am socially inept, and most of this is just paranoia talking. 

The Text-First Protocol 

We have established a hierarchy now. A sacred ladder of acceptable communication. 

It goes something like this: 

1. Text message 

2. Email 

3. Direct message 

4. Smoke signals 

5. Carrier pigeon 

6. Phone call 

And even then, phone calls require advance notice. “Hey, can I call you?” This is not politeness. This complies with a rule I just made up about 10 minutes ago. Because if you call me without asking, I’m not answering, and I’m also judging how much your knuckles drag on the ground. Who’s with me?? 

Answering Unknown Calls Is a Red Flag 

Let’s be honest about something we all think but never say: Anyone who answers unknown numbers freely is a little unhinged! 

Oh, these people exist, I have seen it! They answer the phone cheerfully. They engage and ask questions, like reality didn’t just bunny hop into another timeline. 

They are either: 

• Over 45 

• Retired 

• Or blessed with an optimism the rest of us lost in 2012, when the Aztecs said the earth was going to explode. Ok, I made that last part up, but it was close! 

They are modern folk heroes if I’m being honest, but they are also terrifyingly trusting. 

The Extended Warranty Debacle 

Let’s talk about the real villain. The extended car warranty. I don’t own the car they’re talking about. I never have. I never will. Yet they persist. They will outlive us all… Like cockroaches and Twinkies. Historians will one day uncover hidden recordings and conclude that the extended warranty was not a service; it was a religious cult. 

The Phone Was Supposed to Help Us 

That’s the real irony. The phone was invented to make communication easier. 

Instead, it became: 

• A delivery system for fraud 

• A source of low-grade anxiety 

• A vibrating rectangle that demands attention but offers nothing in return 

It rings, and we don’t feel excitement anymore. No one runs to the phone and screams, “I’ll get it!”… Now we just ignore it, mute it, or toss it. 

The Soft Truth at the End of the Line 

Here’s the thing. We didn’t become antisocial. We didn’t become cold. We adapted. The world changed, and we changed with it. So if you call me and I don’t answer, know this: it’s not personal! It’s just modern life. Text first. Call if you must. Leave a message, and I’ll listen. If I text you back, congratulations… You passed that test I mentioned. If I call you, consider yourself extremely fortunate, because I am super duper busy here at The Pompous Post, doing… whatever it is I do. 

Until then, be kind to one another, practice responsible communication distancing, and have a glorious day.