I Audited My Own Thoughts and Found Most of Them Unnecessary...

In the interest of self-improvement, clarity, and whatever passes for accountability these days, we at The Pompous Post decided to conduct a full internal audit. Not of finances, nor productivity… nor of anything useful, but that’s beside the point. We decided to audit our thoughts! Well, one of us did; the other just read it and laughed. 

After careful review, repeated observation, and several moments of staring into space while pretending to listen, we can confirm the following: 

Most of them were completely unnecessary… (go figure) 

THE AUDIT PROCESS 

The methodology was simple. I actually paid attention this time, and that was the first mistake. What I found was not a streamlined operation of logic and reason, but rather a loose collection of half-formed ideas, imaginary arguments, and mental reruns of things that ended years ago. Basically a hot mess… That’s ok, because in the end, it’s my thoughts… and my mess… so there! 

FINDING #1: PRACTICING COMEBACKS ALONE 

This was the largest department by far. Entire wings of the brain are devoted to imaginary conversations where I absolutely crush it! 

These scenarios usually occur: 

• In the shower/On the toilet 

• While driving 

• While lying in bed staring at the ceiling 

• Three days after the actual conversation 

In these rehearsals: 

• My timing is perfect. 

• The delivery is calm but devastating. 

• The other person is stunned into respectful silence, making the devastation even more memorable. 

In reality, what happened was: 

I smiled politely and walked away. Nodded with a blank stare, and as usual, I thought of the comeback on the way home in front of no one. Then… like clockwork, we replay the moment. “OH MAN… I should have said that. That would have been so cool!” 

I didn’t. I won’t. I never do. And that’s okay. Because my brain was busy preparing material for an audience that no longer exists. For those of us who experience these delayed moments of gratification, it’s like pulling out an old Lite-Brite with one crucial peg missing. The picture is technically still there… I can almost see it, but the impact is gone, the moment has passed, and now I’m just sitting in the dark, wondering why I’m still holding the plug. 

FINDING #2: RELIVING CONVERSATIONS FROM YEARS AGO 

There is no statute of limitations on embarrassment. 

My brain will randomly resurface moments such as: 

• That weird thing I said in 2011. 

• That laugh that came out wrong, i.e., a pig digging up truffles. 

• That time, I waved back at someone who wasn’t waving at me. 

These memories arrive without warning. And more importantly, they are memorable. Ironically, I can’t remember what I had for breakfast the day before, but I certainly recall these events with crystal clarity. 

I could be: 

• Making coffee 

• Folding laundry 

• Enjoying a peaceful moment 

And suddenly… WHAM!! 

My brain goes: 
 
“Hey, remember when you said that dumb thing? Hehehe, wasn’t that funny?” 

No new information is gained. No lesson is learned. The thought simply shows up, does damage, and leaves. Like a horrible song stuck in my head. Are we having fun yet? 

FINDING #3: IMAGINARY ARGUMENTS I AM DEFINITELY GOING TO WIN 

These are structured, formal debates held entirely in my head. I open strong. I anticipate their points and dismantle them effortlessly. 

Sometimes I even: 

• Use facts I didn’t have at the time. 

• Say things I’d never say out loud. 

• Pause dramatically for effect. (Think Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men) 

In real life, that argument already ended with: 

“Yeah… whatever!” 

But in my mind? I totally dominated… Welcome to reality 101. 

FINDING #4: THINKING I FORGOT SOMETHING (I DIDN’T OR DID I?) 

This thought appears like a ghost. “Crap, I’m forgetting something.” 

I am not... Or am I? My own mind has betrayed me. It’s laughing, but I’m not… I have things to do, places to be, and this isn’t a game. Or is it? 

By now I: 

• Check my phone and my pockets. 

• Mentally review my day and check all my pockets again. 

• Feel uneasy about the situation and the fact that I might be coming down with Dementia. Oh, and I check my pockets again. 

Eventually, the feeling fades, leaving behind only mild distrust in myself and all my decision-making for the rest of the week. Congratulations, I just wasted fifteen minutes on nothing. 

FINDING #5: OVERANALYZING TONE 

My brain spends an unreasonable amount of time reviewing how something was said. 

Examples include: 

• “They said ‘okay’… but was it okay, okay? Or just okay?” 

• “That pause felt weird… Like, really weird.” 

• “They didn’t use an exclamation point. Who does that?” 

Entire emotional narratives are built on punctuation. 

Meanwhile, the other person: 

• Sent the message 

• Put their phone down 

• Moved on with their life 

FINDING #6: PREPARING FOR SITUATIONS THAT NEVER HAPPEN 

My brain loves preparation, like a Boy Scout on Ritalin… 

It prepares for: 

• Awkward encounters 

• Confrontations 

• Being asked questions no one will ask… ever. 

I rehearse responses like: 
 
“If they say this, I’ll say that.” 

They do not say this. They never do. Still, your brain remains on standby, fully staffed, just in case. If it were the government, there would be billions of dollars unaccounted for and a committee ready to investigate. See the pattern here? 

FINDING #7: NARRATING MY OWN LIFE 

Sometimes my thoughts take on a documentary tone. 

I catch myself thinking: 

• “This is where things changed…” 

• “Little did I know…” 

• “I should have known then...” 

I am not in a movie. I am standing in the kitchen deciding if I’m hungry or just bored. Again, I waste another 15 minutes. Man, I am great at doing this! 

THE FINAL VERDICT 

After completing the audit, we can confidently say: 

• My brain is creative. 

• My brain is dramatic. 

• My brain is deeply committed to replaying moments that no longer matter. 

And yet, it’s doing its best. Most thoughts are not instructions. They are background noise. They are practice runs with no performance. And that’s fine now… I am at the age where it doesn’t matter what I do or think. Because sometimes the smartest thing I can do is let a thought pass by and not invite it to sit down and have a cup of tea. 

CLOSING STATEMENT FROM THE EDITORS 

If you recognized yourself in this audit, we welcome you. 

If you’ve ever practiced a comeback alone, replayed a moment too long, or thought “I should have said that” on the drive home, we see you. 

And if your mom ever told you: 

“Close only counts in hand grenades and horseshoes.” 

She was right. Your brain may be noisy. But not every thought needs airtime. Remember to stay Pompous! 

🫡😆 
 
— The Editors, The Pompous Post™