The "for happiness" trap of parents who have children too young

"Becoming a mother in your twenties" - a title that is curious enough to make several hundred thousand people stop surfing the video, watch and interact. Next are scenes recording a day of a young family of 3, but if only looking at their appearance, they cannot be more than 25 - an age that is still very "green" to receive the "sweet fruit" of marriage. a handsome boy. In the comments section, netizens massively "prayed" for happiness like the young family. The same thing happens under posts shared by young "hot moms", "hot couples" across Instagram, Facebook, TikTok and Threads. It's easy to see that getting married early is an idea that has a certain appeal to young people.

The huge amount of information on social networks, combined with the general reading culture of users, makes the above posts often only illuminate the most perfect aspects of the problem. Looking at other people's comfort evokes a desire for experience. Seeing other people have loving families makes us think that we too can soon build our own home. Such simplified content (due to time limits or the purpose of attracting viewers) makes viewers believe that raising children is always filled with happy moments.

Not only that, Asian culture is where families always "program" their children with a "life plan": Must pass University, must graduate from University, must have a high salary. , must get married and have grandchildren for their parents to hold. Instead of seeing these as natural things, they impose their children's success or failure on whether they achieve those "achievements" or not. Many people are so extreme that they set a certain age range. "If you're 30 and unmarried, it's the end of your life!", "When will I have a grandchild for you to hold?" - I guess you have many times seen sisters in your family or acquaintances having to listen to this "clever reminder". Gradually, children growing up in that culture also become aware of the "getting married" age that they must follow. Many people run after that milestone without waiting for themselves to fully understand and fully understand the responsibilities of a father and mother.

Just like that, social networks pour into the minds of young people that having their own family is relatively easy, grandparents and parents urge them to hope their children will soon settle down. Forming in them a desire to feel, be held and surrounded by the highest form of love between couples - having a child together.

You think that, as long as there is love for their child and each other, a couple will overcome all difficulties to raise the child, giving him or her the best growing conditions. But the reality is quite the opposite: The biggest test of love is children, and couples who are not well prepared physically, mentally, and even in understanding themselves to create a family. An impulsive family will easily succumb to that test.

Let me add a few more realistic touches to the pink "young family" picture: Newborn babies sleep 16-18 hours a day, but divided into short naps that only last about 4 hours. The baby may wake up right when you and your husband are sleeping to ask for food. Small children cannot speak, they can only respond to all needs through loud crying. 4 times a day asking for sleep, 8-12 times asking for milk, countless expenses that are hard to list... rare moments of joy can help you two through difficult moments, when the responsibility of taking care of the child must be placed on you. top?

Postpartum depression is a common condition for postpartum women, even for women who receive attention and care from their husbands. This disease is especially likely to happen to those who are not prepared to face the bumps on the road to motherhood. Besides the effects on your appearance and the hardships of morning sickness and labor, your free lifestyle will be turned upside down because now you seem to have to carry a small human being 24/7. The period of needing a mother to closely monitor a newborn can last up to 2 years, causing many girls to shorten their time for themselves and have to temporarily put aside the story of building a career to become a mother. The worries surrounding the present are about meeting the child's needs, and the worries about the future are about what to do next when the child is strong enough.

Before reaching the beautiful moments, which you can store in photos shared on social networks, there are thousands of other confusions and obsessions that a woman is not ready to face. Face: Changing priorities in life, balancing motherhood with the wishes of a young girl, facing stress, pressure and heavy responsibility when raising a child... Being a mother is a heavy responsibility both physically and mentally. Although today there are many supports to ease the burden, basically, motherhood is still a full-time job that requires dedication. lifelong effort.

The pressures don't just weigh on women. Being financially stable to be able to help the wife, who must spend all her time with the children, and knowing how to do housework to be able to help the wife are the most basic requirements before a man takes over. fatherhood responsibilities. And most importantly, having mature behavior, knowing how to control and sympathize with the changes in your partner, is the most important prerequisite to being able to raise a small life with her. .

However, that is only the first difficult period of a child's life. Until the child is strong enough to no longer need parental guidance 24/7, fathers and mothers must accept a very different type of responsibility, lasting for 18 years: The responsibility of raising a child. human.

Don't think it's as simple as sending your children to the best, most expensive school. No, as a parent, how can you abdicate and completely entrust the responsibility of teaching to an outsider? You will be the person your child trusts to confide in first. It could be a complaint because your child is fighting with friends, or it could be disappointment when he gets a bad score. At times like these, the way you respond and advise your children plays a role in guiding them. Whether that child reaches the finish line as a kind and happy adult depends largely on small moments like that.

Sometimes, your child will learn from you in a much more "quiet" way: By observing. Just by looking at how parents behave with each other, a child can learn many lessons, both positive and negative.

That's what I realized from my own observations when my family quarreled. Even though my niece - a two-year-old child - does not understand every word that her parents are aiming at each other, I know she can feel the vibration of the scolding sounds from deep within her young heart. And looking at that baby trying to run between his parents, he could only cry and utter the words "dad" and "mommy" in vain because he didn't know how to say more words yet, trying to calm them down and listen. Hearing this is a painful memory for both me and my grandchild. Not only did my brother and I fight in front of our newborn child, they also fought in front of our 10-year-old son. The 2-year-old brother can forget after a few days, but that 10-year-old boy, when he is aware enough to understand the situation, perhaps his parents' arguments have become part of his awareness.

Young people, when they have not yet fine-tuned their ego and aggressiveness, are very prone to conflicts, even "hands-on" in front of their children. And even though the child was just a witness, the things he felt from that incident made him also a victim. Either you mistakenly think that acting angry is normal, or you will create misunderstandings and hatred towards one of the parents. The distortion in children's perception is the consequence when fathers and mothers are still immature in controlling their own egos and do not know how to be humble and tolerant of each other in the relationship.

The story of star Charlize Theron - Hollywood's infamous "lady" and her unhappy childhood also further proves that point. She was born when her father was 28 years old, and her mother was only 23. Charlize witnessed her father having a fit one night and planning to kill the whole family with a gun, forcing the mother to fight back with extreme measures. . That event was deeply imprinted in Charlize's mind, encouraging the actress to become a peace messenger for the United Nations, but at the same time made her wary and distrustful of those around her. "The unpredictability of living with an addicted father is something that is imprinted on your body and soul for the rest of your life," Charlize said.

The failure of fatherhood and motherhood does not always have the same development as Charlize's story. Most of the time, these are not too serious signs but will shape the child's quality and lifestyle for the rest of his or her life. Not paying enough attention makes the child grow up wanting attention, leading to deviant and impulsive behavior. Too much and harsh care makes the child become timid, afraid of mistakes, and afraid of risks. Talking with spanking makes that child impatient and think that violence can solve everything, but never talking will also prevent him from finding a suitable solution to the problem.

Preparing to have a baby while you haven't completely "filled" your defects can seriously affect the baby's future. Even though we know that "heaven gives birth to elephants and grass", that child will grow up anyway, because growth is a natural process, but will he be fully cognitive, and will he grow up to be an adult? is the story that reflects the behavior and upbringing of the father and mother. Faced with these nurturing responsibilities, are you confident that you will be the one to guide your child to where they need to go?

Therefore, the first responsible thing a couple can do before deciding to have children is to evaluate the physical and mental maturity and stability of themselves and their partner. At any age, whether in your twenties or forties, there are always questions you must ask to test your ability to be a parent:

Is your desire to have children accompanied by financial and psychological preparation and determining this is the "ripe" time, or is it simply influenced by those around you?

How is your ability to be independent and plan for the future for you and your children?

Do you have enough life experience, are able to manage your personal time, balance work and care for your children?

Are you emotionally mature enough to always be aware of your own problems and face them in a healthy way - to become the best parent for your child mentally and psychologically?

Are you sure that your partner is also an ideal parent, willing to be open to face and solve problems in a civilized way so as not to affect your children?

The questions I have just raised are just the tip of a huge iceberg called parental responsibility. If the decision to have a baby is made only from beautiful illusions about a family without considering enough responsibility, then that is irresponsibility. Deciding to have children simply because you want to have a bond between the couple is selfish. Believing that love will guide you through all pressures without clearly defining the responsibilities that need to be met is a harmful mistake that will push you and your children into an incomplete life.

I agree that you will always have help from more experienced people around you to build a small family. Those people themselves also show their willingness to take care of your children for you. However, I hope you understand that no matter how much you help, they are just "helpers", they are not by your child's side every hour or every day. And in reality, there always exists a gap between grandchildren and grandparents and aunts. The bond cannot be as sacred as the relationship between children and parents. On their children's journey of growing up, and even when their children have grown up, they always need internal strength from young fathers and mothers to be able to accompany their children through all the ups and downs of life.

Finally, I just want to remind: For those who believe that having children is happiness, they need to distinguish two concepts. One is "experienced happiness" and the other is "remembered happiness". Happiness is experienced in the very present moment, when you perform the daily tasks of a father or mother such as changing diapers, feeding your baby, and rocking your baby to sleep. Retrospective happiness belongs to the future, when you can filter and retain the most beautiful memories of your child's growing up process. The beautiful stories about young families that you hear bring back happiness. What truly guides you through the difficulties of upbringing is experiential happiness. Only when you have confidence and stability in carrying out your responsibilities as a parent can you fully experience happiness.

Hopefully the above will act as a red light at the crossroads, helping you reflect and consider before moving forward with the decision to have a new life for yourself. Use this silence to reflect on yourself, think critically about whether you are mature enough to worry and worry about yourself, before deciding to provide more for a little person. small.