In January 2018, I made the decision to come out as gay on Instagram at 17 years old. As much as I wanted to do it before this point, I could never press the button because I knew there was going to be a whirlwind of change. I wasn’t ready for BLACK GAY MALE to be a part of my identity.
I'll be the first to admit that I wasn't looking for someone who identified as Gray-Sexual (Gray-A or Gray-Ace is a term used on the A-sexual Spectrum as someone who doesn't always feel sexual attraction), but I wouldn't change it for the world. It was something I had to research and ask questions about. The biggest question I had to ask myself was if this would be something I could handle. As generations pass on they seem to expand their understanding, and we create new terms to help identify us and make it simpler for the older generation. We are growing as a society to be more open-minded by each passing generation. So, why do I want to talk about this? To help people in their research and hopefully release some of the stress and concerns you might be holding onto about dating someone who is A-Sexual Spectrum.
It's not easy to know if your bi-sexual, lesbian, gay or straight or whatever route you prefer. It's even harder when your just a kid trying to figure it all out! It all starts when you start checking out the same sex as you and then you start questioning why you are doing that, your straight not a lesbian, you need to stop checking girls out or vice versa.
When I was 9, I experienced my first kiss with a girl from my class. She was my best friend, and we practiced kissing each other when I spent the night at her apartment. At the same time, I learned in church that a human’s default sexual setting was straight. Anything else was gay, which also meant evil. I didn’t understand that at the time, but I absorbed it.
I am currently planning my move across the country to a more progressive area, and I have reflected on my time in the south and the aspects of myself I hide for my own safety. Even in 2020 I still avoid holding my girlfriend's hand in some public places. I notice the looks of disapproval, and I feel obligated to chip away at my character to make others comfortable.
Why would this be on my mind so heavy? Why is this what I want? I don't want to do anything to hurt him. He has always been the love of my life and my best friend. Now it seems things are starting to change. I can't shake the feeling of wanting more.
It’s evening now. There’s a black pole fence circling the pool and stringed lights wrapped around each rung. Some, that crystal yellow and others forming a multicolored mirage.