The Art of Gift Giving

Foreword: This is not an article about gifting for children. It goes without saying, that gifting to children is a totally different rodeo, and depending on age group, their personality could be completely undefined or still coming in to focus. And although this post doesn't focus on giving gifts to children, the best advice I can give to you (that also applies to adults, by the way), is to choose gifts that will uncover and shape new talents and interests. If you are unsure of what talents and interests your child has, the best thing you can do is to focus on age-appropriate experiences. Helping your kids uncover an interest for doing things, not having things will be one of the single most valuable things you can do as a parent in your lifetime and your storage room will thank you.

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Post: I could write some "we've all been there, you need to get a gift for a friend and you don't know what to get/procrastinated/they already have everything" intro, but I think we all know those are tired and usually lead to a bunch of affiliate links anyway.

So I'll tell the situation for what it is. We live in a hyper consumer culture. If you want something, you can search for it online, and quality or quantity notwithstanding, you can have it shipped right to your front door from 7,000 miles away. It's both the easiest and hardest it's ever been to buy a gift for someone. Because everything is available, the only limits are your imagination and your budget.

Now I can freely admit, I'm an a**hole. I'm not the type of person that can receive a box of crap that I can't utilize, has little to no correlation to my interests, and be genuinely grateful. And if you're truly being honest with yourself-- you probably aren't either. I can, and have, put on an Emmy award winning performance, ("Oh my g*d! This was so sweet of you to put this together with me in mind!") but internally- I have had any number of the following thoughts:

They don't really even know who I am.

I guess this is all I'm worthy of, a placeholder gift.

You know who this would be a perfect gift for? Them.

This isn't even half of the effort I put into buying them X, not too long ago.

Is this how they perceive me?

I'm not sure why anyone would want this, I'm guessing it was on sale. 🫤

Putting these on paper, I feel selfish ever having had these thoughts. You could be thinking to yourself that I/the receiver should be grateful to even be thought of. But to that I say, if you want to be a 'bare minimum' gifter, have at it. You'll be in the company of thousands of other people and you can stop reading now.

But if you're like me, you would never want your loved ones to question if you really care about them or know them. You want to gift to amplify your feelings.

If you really want to give exceptional gifts, you have to take into account the questions/statements above. It's the only practical thing to do. People do not just want to be "thought of," (if that is the only aim of your relationships, I would recommend therapy) they want to be known, loved, supported and understood.

From a gift giver point of view- if I give someone a gift, it's because I want to show them how much I care about them and that I know, support and understand them. And over the years, I've learned to apply the feelings I've had from receiving mediocre gifts to buying presents for others.

Below is a list of things I like to consider when gifting to adults. I don't know the person you're buying a gift for, so its likely that not all of these principles will apply at one time, but if you can stick to applying at least two of these four principles, chances are high that you will be able to buy a gift that is perfect for that individual.

1. Utility > Decoration & Trend

Reconsider buying gifts that don't have an actual utility. People can and do buy those all by themselves. When you buy a gift that can't do anything besides be displayed, you are risking it sitting in storage. If you buy an interior decoration item, it might not fit their aesthetic, or they'll have to find a place to put it. Unless they specifically ask for it, consider picking something else.

If you buy something like a plushy toy, unless this person is a known lover of plushies aka- it's part of their personality, it's going to be later regifted or shelved to collect dust and ultimately- not appreciated.

While considering utility might not be the sexiest thing of all time, it shows that you considered how they will use it in their day to day life and their needs. Will it be used to liven up their free/leisure time? Is it going to eliminate or make a boring task easier? Does it save time? It shows understanding.

**An important note I want to make when considering utility gifts for women, especially if you are a man, is buying appliances/items used around the home for cleaning, laundry or chores that no one enjoys. Do NOT buy these items as gifts for Christmas or birthdays unless specifically requested. The reason for this is that buying what should be a community item shows ownership for that task, and can potentially convey/reveal what type of value you think this person has.

For example, when you buy a woman a vacuum for her birthday, you are saying: "Here's a vacuum so that you can clean our house, because that's your job. It's something you do that brings value [to me]." Instead, consider buying something of utility that caters to what she does in her free time. Or if she's too busy with kids-- consider gifting her some free time by taking over responsibilities. **

2. Personal Values

Everybody has values that are important to them- and in an increasingly polarized world, many people have weaponized these values. If the manufacturer/company doesn't adhere to some of these values, they don't support the brand by buying their products. For some, it's a dealbreaker, for others, it's not. But it can definitely change how they feel about your gift and is something to consider on an individual basis.

Here are some more common values people consider:

-Conflict Free and/or Ethically Sourced (typically applies to jewelry)

-Eco-friendly

-Sustainability

-Minority Owned Business

-LGBTQ+ friendly

-Made in the U.S.A.

-Have these brands contributed to legislation that doesn't agree with this person's values?

3. Resist a Sale/Closet Rummage

The best way I can explain this is with a story. And no, it's not why I wrote this post. 😆

>I want to preface this with the fact that my Mother-in-law is one of the most generous people that I know, and I have, in fact, received many wonderful gifts from her that I love and that she was so kind to give me at all.<

This past Christmas, I was given a pair of loose fitting, gaucho style yoga pants from a well-known clothing brand by my MIL. Now, I do enjoy yoga, but I have never professed this interest to my mother-in-law, nor did I mention wanting any clothes. The pants were the correct size and only hit my mid-calf, giving a highwater appearance to a 5'7" wearer.

So while everyone else was opening sleek, well fitting clothes that they'd asked for, this is what I opened:

They were, and still are, some of the ugliest things I've ever seen. The fabric reminds me of something that Jawas would be wearing, and I know with a certainty that these are something that my mother-in-law would absolutely never buy for herself or her daughter.

And honestly-- I'm 99% sure that these were a SALE item. Because who looks through all of the clothes on a name brand website, sees this one and says, "That's it. That's the one."?

As the receiver of this gift, this gave me the impression of: "Be grateful, because at least you were thought of."

On occasion, the universe aligns, and an item that would align perfectly with someone you love goes on sale. I'm not talking about those times. Get that bag, we all out here trying to save a buck.

I'm talking about buying an item for the sake of being able to say, "Look, I got you a gift." If the gift is going to say, "at least you were thought of," instead of, "I understand you. I know you. I support you." then you are better off not buying it. Because guess where these yoga pants are sitting? In storage, until I wear them at least once when we go visit my MIL to show that I am at least pretending to appreciate her gift.

4. Experiences are ALWAYS a Good Gift

If your friend is like most people, they don't really need more stuff unless they have a life-altering event coming up. Anything they are looking into getting is either a replacement or upgrade for what they already have and is usually a want.

One thing that Americans in particular never get enough of is leisure/vacation time. I can think of a number of times where I've taken vacation days to complete practical responsibilities or to sit at home and simply decompress and do nothing because I need a break from work. If you are one of the more fortunate in another country, or have a generous time off policy, this still applies.

Memories are worth 10x any one thing that you can or will ever buy for yourself or another human. As we get older, time goes by faster because we do less novelty sh*t and get into a routine and we forget to treat ourselves to doing something new or assume that we've already done the most significant things.

This is one of the few gifts that requires some creativity, but if you take into account the person's values, interests and possibly family situation- it's pretty hard to f*ck up.

Are they outdoorsy and like to vacation out of state often or semi-often? Consider a National Parks Annual Pass. It lasts a whole year, and the entry fee for every national park is covered. If they work a lot or have small kids, consider a State park pass instead.

Do they love art? See if there are any art museums within 100 miles and get them tickets to an exhibit.

Do they love the kooky and weird? Occasionally there are some exhibits/places that cater to the whimsy. Check and see if there are any Meow Wolf locations near you, or maybe check out Atlas Obscura and see what weird sights are in your area and plan a day around exploring sites that might be in the realm of possibility to visit and get tickets!

Are they a big sports fan? Look on Gametime or Ticketmaster to see if there are tickets to a game they might enjoy coming up. Yeah, they might be thirty rows away from the front, but with stadium stacking, it's still worth it.

Do they love music? Get them a ticket to an upcoming festival and plan to go with them. Who cares that its six months away? Everyone needs something to look forward to. It also gives you time to save up money and plan the sickest road trip or costume and make sure they get the time off of work. You'll still be talking about this trip a decade later. Promise.

Do they have kids? Do the legwork for them and get them a pass to a science museum or plan a loose and customizable itinerary of a fun day with their kids for them. Every parent wants significant memories with their kids but struggles with either time or finances to make these events happen. How could you simplify that for them? Hell, offer babysitting if that's appropriate to your relationship and let them get out of the house without their kids.

Do they like wine/beer? There are probably some wine/beer tasting tours around that you could look into.

5. Ask

Now this is not my first resort, because most people never have a readymade answer, or will say that they don't need anything. That's usually a good clue that they aren't looking for more stuff/things in their life and would benefit from an experience or something of utility instead.

But on occasion, asking can be the right move. Since most folx don't have a list they can read off to you, here are a couple of questions that will make asking more productive.

What is an item that would help you with (insert known interest here) that you don't have yet?

Are there any events coming up that you're interested in?

Is there anything you could use that will help you around the house? (if they give you a practical answer like a vacuum, this would be an acceptable time to buy it)

What would you like time to do more of?

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Giving gifts is a wonderful practice, and for many, it's a love language. And while the gift itself is wonderful to give and/or receive, at the heart of it, giving gifts is not about the fact that you enjoy giving people things. It's about the fact that you know the person well enough to get a gift that speaks to something about them. A gift that sends a message that they are seen, understood, supported, loved and known- first and foremost as a human, and secondly, as your significant other, mother, friend etc.

As you follow these guidelines, I am certain that you will be able to discern and pick out gifts that convey the love and respect that show how much you care about your relationship. And as with any exceptional gift, they won't only see it, they'll feel it. Happy gifting! 🎁