satire
Relationship satire can be cathartic; when love hurts too much, just laugh.
Silent Letters
Silent letters make me want to rip my hair out and plunge my eyes into a bucket of acid. It’s really only the unnecessary ones that are detrimental to my health. It's stupid, but my biggest pet peeve are those ludicrous silent letters. Best example: pterodactyl. Why is that p there? Who decided that it needed a p? As far as I know, it does nothing. If letters were people, that p would be your friends' friends' cousins' daughters' pet fish. Useless to you and everyone involved. I sob at night trying to discover the profound meaning of silent letters. To which I can never find the answer. After a trek through the depths of my psyche, all that remains is emotional turmoil. It’s like trying to wrap your head around the idea of infinite space. It keeps you up at night.
I'm your taxi
I start my day with a small work out, about 30 minutes. Have coffee, shower, then get dress.... Usually, but to day is a little more special. Today I have the pleasure of being a host for a close friend of mine, it's his birthday and of course I volunteered to be his driver. It made sense, since we would have been hanging out together anyway. Actually, I was just returning a favor. He was the driver for my birthday simple as that, you might be thinking "now why would you want a driver just for your birthday?" And the answer is easy, so you can party as much as you want and not have to worry about how you getting home or how you ended up in someone else's house, and yes that has happened. I had loads to do this day, I still had to be to work and some make it to the bank. I'm looking to start my own business and my friend Jason came up with the ideal an great ideal for us to be Uber drivers.
Ephirium CrimleyPublished 4 years ago in HumansThe Cycle of Identity (We Must Embrace)
I still can recall clearly all the corrections that I have been receiving from my parents and the society. First, it’s about to stop crying. It happened when I was 4. I fell in the bathroom and it was hurt (and not really hurt), I instinctively and automatically cried running to my mom because it was I have been trained during my lifetime as a baby. The responses that I received was different in which she said “Stop being a crybaby. You’ve grown up”. I was shocked and by that time I instantly leveled up into a kid phase of life. Parents are superior, the ultimate teacher, and one-who-knows-it-all commander that direct and guide us how to behave well. That tragedy is vivid and accompanies me everyday wherever I injured by something both mentally and physically. I was taught to be strong and despise myself whenever I cry. It’s one of my first lesson of being human.
Yulia RatnasariPublished 4 years ago in HumansHigh School Diaries: Chapter 3
Chapter 3: Matt As I walked through the gym doors, I saw the cute new girl from earlier today. The color of her hair reminded me of a peach, almost like a pinkish color, but it was more like just a light red. Haha, I’m not very good at english or anything, so I’m not very good at describing people in a good way. Her eyes were also really, really pretty. I couldn’t really tell if they were blue or green but it doesn’t matter. To be honest, I kind of wanted to talk to her more, but knowing that it's gym class, we’re probably going to do an activity and I’m willing to be that Anna (Was that her name? I don’t really remember.) wasn’t good at sports at all.
Abygael SilversPublished 4 years ago in HumansWas Mother Teresa Toxic?
If I put on a blue collared shirt with a badge on my chest and pistol on my waist, does that make me a cop? If I put on a Latrell Sprewell jersey and dribble a basketball, does that make me an NBA player? No, it makes me someone who likes to play dress-up. Does Mother Teresa putting on a white robe and a baggy hood make her a saint? Let's find out.
Michael MartinekPublished 4 years ago in HumansAn Open Relationship With My Bodega Man
Am I dating my bodega man? He definitely knows more about me than anyone I've recently dated in the last couple of years. Not to say I'm not already an open book anyway, but we've seemed to break through the bodega exchange barrier.
Heather WhitesidePublished 4 years ago in HumansThe Pandemic Following on the Heels of COVID That Threatens Healthcare Workers and the Black Race: The Karen.
As COVID numbers spike, scientists have identified another potentially fatal risk to America’s healthcare workers and to Black Americans known as the Karen. The Karen belongs to its own unique viral family that surfaced around seventy years ago. Since that time, it has silently multiplied at exponential rates. The Karen is erratic, unpredictable, and favors no particular environment, making it impossible to know where it lies. DNA analysis demonstrates in infected hosts an over-expression of the proteins responsible for hate, ignorance, and moral turpitude. Though scientists are hopeful for the development of a vaccination to eradicate it, they surmise this will not occur any time soon.
Dr. Megan BabbPublished 4 years ago in HumansUPS is NOT a Delivery Service
While sitting in class, the fluorescent lights overhead beat down on me making me more uncomfortable than I already am, considering I have to use the restroom very badly. Only minutes are left until class is over, but the ticking of the clock incessantly pounds into my head and drives me berserk while reminding me that he, the clock, is in control of time. Sometimes, I can see his menacing hands shaking their fist at me, mocking me, telling me that at any moment they can turn back time just to further irritate me. “Now next week class, we will begin the chapter on Civil War and discuss Bleeding Kansas...” the teacher explains preten- tiously, while my mind is obviously concentrated more on the civil war presently fighting inside of my bladder.
Mark Allen HudsonPublished 4 years ago in HumansThe Mattress
I had just graduated high school. I had just gotten breast implants just before graduation. I was starting college in the fall. I was 18 and damn well old enough. I was in love, you know 18-year old love - but for someone a decade older than me! I thought I was in love. I thought "love" was when you defied your parents. Found THE worst guy my mom could think of (yes, I regret this decision; hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20!). His name was Henri. Yes with an "I" and not a "Y". Long story short I was a naïve 18 year old. But who is truly "mature" by 18 and has it "all together" in life?
Summer GrahamPublished 4 years ago in HumansWhat's Up With that Finger Anyway?
I have never heard any discussions or theories so since it has been on my mind I am going to just put it out there. Do not ask me why I have questions such as this. It does not really even need an answer. It is just a minuscule view into the randomness that is nearly always in my brain; however, the wee hours of the morning randomness seems to run especially ramped. (say that three times fast =D )
Sassy Lady Ava GPublished 4 years ago in HumansUnpopular opinion: All men are bastards
Picture the scene: I’m the new kid at work. Whilst I’m yet to hear my name mentioned alongside the word “arsehole” or get an Inbetweeners style “hello my name’s Josh and I’m doing a shit” picture on my back, I know I’m the latest cannon fodder. The only way to survive is with exasperated laughter at my manager’s crap jokes and to keep up this façade at least until I pass my probation. Two weeks in and my now good friend Tara is talking about a guy that she went on a date with that turned out to be a bit of a weirdo. However, despite her squirms of how he kept her there for 3 whole drinks, I’m a bit taken aback when she says, “oh but he’s lovely”. Apparently, I thought that this was my time to make my mark on the team as I quickly interjected with “I’m sorry, but no man is a good man”, to be met with the silence of the entire floor and a burning sensation of eyes in the back of my head worse than a violent bout of chlamydia.
Introverts have personalities?
Being an introvert with a personality is hard, and I know this because I am one. Before I start to talk about the topic, I just want to express how much I laughed reading the very first part, because it’s so serious and sounds so deep. But trust and believe from this point forward it’s all just nonsense.
Tenia ParkerPublished 4 years ago in Humans