The Cycle of Identity (We Must Embrace)

I still can recall clearly all the corrections that I have been receiving from my parents and the society. First, it’s about to stop crying. It happened when I was 4. I fell in the bathroom and it was hurt (and not really hurt), I instinctively and automatically cried running to my mom because it was I have been trained during my lifetime as a baby. The responses that I received was different in which she said “Stop being a crybaby. You’ve grown up”. I was shocked and by that time I instantly leveled up into a kid phase of life. Parents are superior, the ultimate teacher, and one-who-knows-it-all commander that direct and guide us how to behave well. That tragedy is vivid and accompanies me everyday wherever I injured by something both mentally and physically. I was taught to be strong and despise myself whenever I cry. It’s one of my first lesson of being human.

Second, school is a mini simulation about the world order. It was about learning grouping up — gang, racism (or diversity), and elitism, bullying, gossiping, sexism, learning about money (via canteen), religion, and further extension of reward and punishment system. As a social being, we try, learn and act as a good friends otherwise we’ll be picked on that affecting our future self-esteem and confidence. We learn about interrelationship skill, especially for the ladies — girl politics is somewhat as complicate as Israel-Palestine relation — that teach me about diplomacy and the game people play. Then as a professional identifier, we start to label our friends by identities, such as a geek, punk, cool, uncool, artsy, it-girl, it-boy, rich, poor, and so on. We learn about idolatry, materialism, and stratification depicted by one’s fame, purchasing power, status, and material they own. Another, we embrace an identity about being a good grade earner and often losing the value of curiosity itself that train us to be a salaryman later on: to never question and just receive a reward.

Third is aiming to be successful person. Capitalism system has been really successful to advance technology and the betterment of human living quality and the identity people pursue revolves around fame, power and money. We want to be recognized as someone ‘successful’, the success identity got many privileges. Then we struggle to be one.. and sometimes lose ourselves, constantly debating about ‘do what you love’ versus ‘love what you do’. The inscribed identity always strives towards money: either earning some or we won’t survive.

Fourth is following our parent’s steps: being a good lover and a parent. They say marriage is only a paper but in fact: it is both legal and social bindings. The knot is beyond with our partner but with to the society demand as well. In a highly patriarchal society, chores is not divided based on preferences but based on gender and society standard. Being a wife means losing all identities and dreams and adopt an identity as a wife, meaning devote ourselves to the family — even to adopt new clothes as well and covered up. Being a husband means sustain the family and do the financing. Love, sadly, is never be free. It is followed by countless norms, rules, and consequences.

Last is about the identity of being a parent and the question of WHY having a baby. When a particular person is not yet existed, how can a person love his or her offspring? A baby is born not because of parent-kid unconditional love: it’s a conditional love. A children existed because of these main following reasons: 1) so that I won’t be alone; 2) God’s command to bear kids; 3) so I can feel how it feels to be a parent; 4) to proof I am fertile; 5) not to be left behind since all my friends have kids already; or simply 6) because we should if we could. It’s not a mindful and aware birth, it’s a selfish birth. When a baby is born, a mother is born, too. Then, we latch onto an idea of an abstract conception of being a good parents and unconditional love. As a ’good’ parent, we try control kids, give expectation and demands, and inherit the society pressures and corrections we have learned before. It’s mandatory to assist them to be ‘successful’ in such manner that we turning to be successful parents. Finally, we proudly call ourselves cultured, civilized, and having a good ettiquette. The circle is complete.

We self-label ourselves with an identity. The identities we embrace above is not because a total comprehension or thorough understanding about the world. It’s about compliance. This role and identity is reinforced by cultural rewards and punishments, varying from trying to please someone, be respected, avoid making someone disappointed, prevent oneself to go to hell, afraid to be starving homeless, and at the end of the day, being the misfit and outcasted individual.

One of homo sapiens adaptive and competitive advantages compared to the extinct fellows (Neanderthals, Luzonensis, Denisovans and etc) is because of language manipulation. We are so advanced in it to comply with the pre-established Life Standard and Operation Procedures we proudly called ‘culture’. It is incredibly organized and systemic. It is the heart, the strong fundamental pillars supporting the survival and continuation of Homo sapiens to thrive and prosper. And everyone is an active agent to reinforce, inherit, and pass down the cultural structures and values. A cultural fabric that people co-create and hold hands-in-hands to keep the bond steadily progressing stitches by stitches — evolving and sometimes revolting— into what we refer as the history of our lifetime. In which, I must admit, beautiful.

Now, i am on a crossroad... oscillating between the compliant and the rebel. They say only dead fish go with the flow. Am i a dead fish or the swimming one?