Random Thoughts

As I took a few minutes to breath after an emotional day, I stared up at the clouds blowing across the horizon.

Earlier I had been so blissfully happy. I had joked with Mom and laughed so hard that I was almost embarrassed by my childlike joy out in public. Halfway through that trip to the store, I distanced myself from Mom and calmed myself down. Remembering how if I acted like that, no one would take me seriously and that no guy will touch me if I am overly joyous combined with how young I look. Or at least that was what /he/ said again and again...

I chose joy once more and who cares if a guy will touch me or not... A grown woman can be so completely in joy that she is dancing in the aisles and if guy's don't like that? Then... that kinda sounds like a personal problem.

Tonight, I think back through all of the memories... memories that I often wish that I could forget... but if we forget the memories? That is how cycles repeat in life. I'm glad that /he/ forgot though. Wait. What?! Where did that come from???

I'm glad that /he/ forgot because maybe, just maybe I won't have to worry about late night emergency room runs or packing get away bags as by forgetting /his/ habits will be different.

I'm glad that /he/ has better things in his life going... that way I don't have to break up with him for the 28th (or so) time when all I was doing was attempting to communicate nicely.

I'm glad that /he/ will now be doing all of the things for others that I begged him to do for years.

I'm glad that /he/ is happier without me... because I am too.

I'm devastated that /he/ forgot how much I gave /him/ in terms of honor and respect and loyalty... and how many of my texts to others were /his/ idea and /his/ wishes... but it only teaches me that if I am going to be happy with anyone, they will have to remember the little things - and to be happy with myself, I have to remember the little things.

I look forward to freedom. To teaching my kids values such as honesty and courage to stand up for themselves... and how to both remember and forget better than I can...

I look forward to not being afraid of someone telling me that I look too young... afraid that my love won't touch me either out in public or in the privacy of our own space... that they won't hold my hand, won't hug me, won't kiss me - not even on my cheek, and they will get mad at me later for my choices that day.

I look forward to everyone knowing exactly what happened behind shut doors... even if I am in the wrong... I'd rather know that I am wrong so that I can change myself than to participate in a delusion that other's never gave me any constructive feedback before I got into trouble...

I am not blissfully happy, nor am I angry... nor am I sad. I just am.

And that? That is okay. That is peace.

I need peace in my life.

And yes, that means that I will cry, yell, scream, vent, grieve, laugh, have anxiety attacks, and dance... no matter who is watching... because that is what healing looks like and we kinda need more of that authenticity in this world.

I am returning to the person I /used to be/... the person who just about killed her inner child to have a thicker skin as /his/ family wanted me to have.

Turns out? They don't like my thick skin. And honestly, neither do I. So, that will be going away... even though I hate hurting so much! But it totally feels so much better than giving into the darkness of hatred.

I wish that /he/ knew exactly how much I do not hate him... that the only person I have successfully hated (for any substantial amount of time) is ... myself.

But, I will always remember /his/ choices and actions. Those memories are there to drive me to action if history repeats itself again.

Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It means simply that things are done and that we relinquish control - sometimes multiple times per hour! They are past. And we move forward with boundaries to protect ourselves.

And that... that is right where peace starts.

I wish you all peace and good will tonight. :-)