Lessons of Friendship

These last few years, I have learned a lot about myself and friendships.

In many ways, I have learned that I am a great friend... until I ask for reciprocation. And I have learned that this is probably due to my AuDHD.

I am deep - and have been told that I can be rather abrupt when shoving someone into the deep end of the pool (so to speak).

I have auditory communication problems - and have been told that inviting people into a less chaotic environment is oftentimes showing a level of depth to the relationship or trust that I most likely didn't intend. Yet, if I just smile and nod... I miss important things about someone who I want to get to know and have no idea what follow up questions that I can ask.

I also struggle with alexithymia so it can be very hard figuring out how I feel at times... especially in the moment.

I go non-verbal at times ... which can lead to other people feeling like I suddenly don't like them.

I am a great friend because I can meet most people where they are - as long as we are talking about a decent individual who can talk beyond the dreaded small talk... lol

But, I get lonely when I don't have someone who I can share my depth - and not be accused of trying to drown them!

I have Amanda... and 2 other friends. All of which have neurospiciness of their own and live hours away from me now. We are still friends, but it is different when you have the distance.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get there with anyone new since relocating... and despite being so very lonely today... I also have no intention of rushing to fill the hole to soothe the feeling.

Being lonely is OK.

Being sad is OK.

Rushing connection is not OK.

My heart is big... and has been through a lot... my best friend right now needs to be my God and myself.

I often give others the best advice (or so I have been told)... so my lesson to share today is my trick to be my own friend versus my own worst critic.

A note for my readers: the bold is my instant feeling/response and the italic is what I would say if the bold was my friend instead of myself.

Hey... I got my heart broken because I couldn't crush part of myself to be more palatable and instead of trying to overcompensate and pretend that all was rainbow and sunshine or tell them to just deal with it/me ... I let a dear one go and I miss what we had planned.

Well... I could say that I'm sorry, but I'm not. You deserve to have people in your inner circle who don't need you to change who you are to keep them comfortable. I am also very proud of you for caring enough about them to let go to avoid further pain to them as well. They will miss you - and you will miss them - but you both deserve happiness!

I am scared that I won't find anyone locally who will be a friend to someone like me though ... perhaps my kid's dad was right and I am too much?

Now you stop that right now! 'Too much' is relative to other people's capabilities - not about you! Your kid's dad was just sharing that he didn't have the capability to handle such a magical creature as you are my friend! You will find your people again... and we both know that loneliness is not the worst emotion. We will always have plenty of interests to keep us busy!

What if I made the worst decision of my life by being true to myself?

Have you forgotten the last 10 years of your life? What about the 10 before that? You have changed, my dear, because you are choosing yourself instead of choosing everyone else. It is a good change, no... it is a GREAT change!

But if I choose myself, then... aren't I being selfish?

You are not selfish for ensuring that your needs are met before pouring into other people. Remember: you cannot give from an empty cup and ... even Jesus withdrew from other's needs to sustain Himself! Are you saying that you think that Christ is selfish? (Mark 1:35; Luke 5:16; Matthew 14:13; and Luke 4:42)

No! Christ was self-less. I just am sad right now.

I know. And that is okay. You were best friends for over a year. Good-byes are hard - and sad. Change is hard - and oftentimes sad too. You will be okay though... and so will your friend.

I let them go because I love them and couldn't keep hurting them by being myself... it is such a contradiction!

I know that it is a contradiction... and that it hurts your head... but if it is meant to be, it will be. If it is not meant to be, then releasing them to find their perfect match is the most loving thing that you could do - even if it breaks their heart. You each/both have your own things that need your individual focus right now. They know the problem. They acknowledged they understood. Now it is up to them. They know where to find you.

Should I wait for them?

You shouldn't rush another connection. Take your time to grieve. You will know when you are ready to meet new people. Don't wait on a possibility - live in the present and allow yourself the grace you would give anyone else. Oh ... and don't wait for permission to live either. You already tried that and watched how your world crumbled. You are the manager of your own life!

It doesn't always work perfectly... but it is my own little hack into teaching myself to have empathy for myself after years of criticizing myself for things that were not in my control and giving away all of my compassion to those around me.

I talked to my therapist about the change that occurred recently and she asked, what urges were coming up saying goodbye after just over a year... and honestly, I was more upset with myself for not changing myself to be a better fit to an amazing friend. Hence, this exercise of being my own best friend instead of being my own worst enemy.

I am sad that a goodbye was necessary ... and I am happy that I can now say that I can maintain healthy boundaries AND deep love simultaneously.

Before now, I didn't actually think that I could do both.

Turns out? It is entirely possible when neither party is controlling - and/or has left extra mouths for me to figure out how to care for and so very many questions... *wink*