I didn't have friends most of my life - being ‘unsocial’ and finding belonging

I’m putting some leftovers out for the Hungry Birds and making some snow cream it is a delicious treat I can only make this time of year winter has found me staying at home more than usual cozied up in blankets after a long day working and living within four walls

I grew up watching movies and reading books that portrayed Misfit Heroes who stumbled upon a quest having to face their greatest fears in order to succeed in their life more often than not their success involved finding friends along the way that supported them on their Journey the hero was no longer a lone Wanderer instead he was part of a group it was

what he had needed all along over the course of their story these characters often find friends

who teach them the meaning of life these are wonderful and sacred stories about love and connection many of which I cherish today but I admit even as a child I was attracted to the side characters that were more sage-like and quiet monks and sacred Wise Women people that were on unconventional paths and yet contributed to the story in crucial ways has never been as easy for me as these protagonists particularly in the region of finding a group of friends I was an extremely socially awkward child I was practically mute half the time the more time I spent in a school and around people I found I needed time away in the forest beside my home daydreaming alone and finding energy to face The Busy World again or perhaps I only needed one or two very close friends to spend a quiet day with this confused me and I started to wonder if I was just anti-social or broken in some way I left people I've always loved people their stories ideas their flaws as well as their dreams and yet close and intimate friendships were something I felt was often Out Of Reach I thought my problem was that I spent too much time alone and so once I got into my late teens I reinvented myself pushing away the side of me that just wanted a cozy night in in exchange for clubbing and nights out

I was not able to sustain a big social life without starting to deeply miss my books and aloneness

I found it difficult to find people that were comfortable enough to share their vulnerability

leading to those heart-to-heart conversations I craved so deeply

I often felt I made people uncomfortable by sharing my feelings and yet I knew there must

be a lot of people out there like me the answer unsurprisingly was simply to be patient and

remember that finding your Kindred Spirits may take a lifetime I eventually discovered Souls

I hold very dear and contribute greatly to my sons of belonging and I in return

but in the process of not having friends for most of my childhood and a good portion of my

adult life I started to realize a very interesting thing and that was that I didn't mind as much as I

thought I would I still needed connection and got involved in book clubs and other

activities but when it came to close Kindred Spirits it took years and years to find them

I had started my hero's journey apart from family alone and I had embraced it channeling energy into

my art and dreams for the future and it was only until I began comparing myself to societal norms

and my peers that I started to fret that something was wrong perhaps much of our dissatisfaction

can be ameliorated by simply remembering our path as our own and that we will find our way

the thermometer on my car said it was negative one early this morning and I don't know how accurate

that was but it does feel extremely cold I have to admit I have no plans to leave the

house today I had a wonderful birthday week and I appreciate all the well wishes I got we went out

to dinner and I got a couple little gifts and it was really lovely as many of you know I spent my

entire life moving from place to place growing up in a military family and this is the first time

living here in this little town and this tiny Rural Valley that I have felt that I can really

set down my roots and build a community and start to meet people and connect with people on a more

permanent basis meeting new people and cultivating friendships has never been something very easy for

me it has gotten drastically easier as I've gotten older but especially in my very young adult years

as I'm still a young adult I really struggled with connection and finding Maya tribe in a way and I

have to admit as someone who is quite introverted friendships are very important to me but also time

alone and a lot of time kind of alone at home is something I value as well or at least alone

with family or in an environment that's you know really comfortable for me for so long I really

internalized those values you know of what made someone well adjusted or healthy and that being

someone who has a large group of friends and is always doing social things and I think that's

so wonderful and I love that there's so many you know extremely social lovely people in this world

who value that because the world would be very dull if we were all the same but I think it is

worth reminding our little people and reminding ourselves that having only a handful of quality

friends or if those friends are simply family or if those friends are just a couple select people

that we might not even have in our general area I know for some people friendships with animals are

just as meaningful and I think it's so wonderful to you know celebrate that so that there are all

sorts of friendships and bonds and relationships that we might be comfortable with depending on

our personality I am so happy now to be in a place where I do have several people I call

friends including people at work in my personal life as well as having created some really close

relationships within my own family I also deeply appreciate just spending time with my puppy and

my cat and spending time in nature feels very fulfilling as well I know especially as someone

who really enjoys children's movies and cartoons still as an adult I know that friendship is often

put on an extremely high platform as if it is the goal that everyone needs to meet in order to find

belonging and fulfillment and acceptance and I think in a way that for sure is true you know our

connections with other humans are very important to our sense of well-being when I first moved to

this Valley I didn't know anyone and it took me a long time to make friends but in the meantime

I worked at a preschool I connected with children I connected with those families and even though I

wasn't really spending time with anyone outside of work it was extremely fulfilling and I felt

like I deeply belonged to my own Community I also consider my husband one of my best friends and it

is just so wonderful to just spend time with him so yes all through my early school years through

high school and even through a good portion of University I did not feel at all like I had

friends and I had people that I was close with so I really have embraced that idea of quality

over quantity and I've also though Embrace that idea that if there are times in your life where

you feel disconnected you feel like you haven't yet met your people to see that as a beautiful

time that can have a lot of meaning and a lot of benefit and you might even realize that you enjoy

spending time with yourself and that doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you that doesn't mean

that you are lacking in some way for me some books that have really deeply helped me in my journey

especially when I was younger understanding myself was quiet and the highly sensitive person

I found both of those to be extremely helpful and I still recommend them to this day to older

children who are trying to understand themselves and why they need so much quality time alone or if

they struggle with anxiety or emotional regulation you know it's very normal there's a lot of people

that feel the way you feel you are never alone also I wanted to say a big thank you for all the

lost in a good way thinking about that quote not all who wander are lost right