You won’t believe what happened to me now. I got such a fright last night, I nearly had a heart attack. When it was all over, I thought to myself, I must share this with others.
Before we get right into the story, I think it's best to let everyone know that I am a wheelchair user courtesy of former friends who thought I should "loosen up" (it involved garbage, a large fall, a butterfly net, and pigeons) and this story takes place while I was still a wheelchair user. In my junior year of high school, I was taking a gym class for the sake of earning credits. Before, my anxiety was my strength and my weakness, but one I could no longer use my legs, well, it's pretty much the same, but I had to be helped back into the wheelchair after falling out during a panic attack. On the plus side, I shared the class with the stunning and strong thespian, Roman Prince, with whom I was in a relationship with.
Veronica Stanley was your textbook head over heels, reach for the moon, romantic. She grew up on the fairytale ideas of a perfect prince that would charm her and they would live happily ever after, and the whole nine yards. Unfortunately for Veronica, she grew up in the time of Tinder, and not the time of mystical lands. Tinder was a whole world of men at her disposal, Veronica downloaded the online dating app on the premise of fun and fun alone, a way to pass the time and put guys in their place who use corny, gag-worthy pick up lines.
Although most people enjoy receiving gifts, I find it very stressful. When people give me gifts, it's always awkward when I open it, and I don't like it. I feel like I have to pretend that I love it to avoid anyone becoming offended. It's very stressful having to fake a reaction so that whoever got me that random gift will think I loved it and so that they will feel pleased with themselves. Also, there's always a crowd of family or friends watching me so that they can see my reaction when I open a gift and when I don't like the gift or am confused about why somebody would get me that, I have to fake a reaction so that nobody thinks I'm being ungrateful or disrespectful. Another thing that makes it stressful is the pressure that I need to be appreciative of the gift, whether it's what I wanted or not. I can't let anybody think that I didn't like it. Similarly, It is stressful when somebody gets me money or gift cards in a card. When I open the card, I have to pretend to read the card and thank the person who gave it to me, and it can become awkward because I already saw the money and I have to act surprised and super grateful even though I already knew what it was since it was in an envelope. It also becomes an uncomfortable situation when everybody wants to know what the card said because if I just glanced over what the card said and took the money, I have to reread the card, and then everybody knows that I just wanted to get the money. That's why I always have to make sure I read the card carefully, just in case anybody tries to ask me what it said. It's also stressful when I can't tell who's name is written on the card or the gift because I know that I need to thank everybody for the gifts so when I open it and can't read who it's from, I have to try and guess who it's from and when I get it wrong and thank the wrong person, it becomes very awkward. It's also stressful after everybody leaves and I'm left with a bunch of random cards. I never know if I should hold onto them longer or just throw them away because I know I'm never going to read them again but I always feel guilty throwing them away so soon. And I'm not trying to say that I don't enjoy receiving gifts from people, I just find it very stressful having to deal with showing appreciation and excitement in front of everybody, especially when I have to fake my excitement about a gift. Another thing that makes gift-receiving stressful is when somebody gets me clothes or jewelry that I know I will never wear. It's stressful because I know that they think I like it and expect me to wear it because after a while they're going to realize that I've never worn it and that makes me feel really bad because I know that they're probably really disappointed that I didn't like what they picked out for me. Overall, receiving gifts makes me stressed because of how I’m expected to react in the moment.
Sometimes the weirdest things can spark a memory. A little while ago, I just started the biannual-once-in-a-blue-moon-leap-day cleaning of my room and I came across a wadded up white bakery sack. Now you might say, "But Howard, (which would be super-strange, because I haven't introduced myself yet) how can a crummy old cupcake wrapper bring back memories?" Well, to make a short story terribly long…
Look, let’s get straight to it. We don’t have enough time anymore. Between keeping up with the voting habits of celebrities and participating in the latest viral internet trends, there’s not a lot of room left for us to get to the bottom of a lot of really serious issues. Unless it’s compacted and served via drive-thru, there really isn’t any way to stay up to date on the inexcusable things people are getting up to in the world. Hence, I humbly present The Official 2020 Guide to All Things Annoying.
*You already know it’s going to be a bad day. You can just feel that black cloud hovering over your head, eager to drown any positive thoughts that may break through your miasma of negativism.
My feet had been numb for over an hour, but according to my flatmate, it was too early to turn the heating on. If anyone would like to write a dissertation on people’s responses to the cold, Edinburgh is the place to be. Frosty Saturday morning. You’re chilling on the bus listening to some tunes and boom! A woman walks in wearing flip flops and a skirt without tights. I wonder what kind of protein milkshakes she might be drinking. Party outfits are also intriguing, but let’s go back to the former-human-now-ice-cube version of myself.
With Star Trek: Picard hot on the horizon, many of us are revisiting Next Generation, reacquainting ourselves with not only the character, but some of the biggest litigatory smack-downs ever captured on screen.
So someone tried to open my rv door while parked on the street. Again. And again. They're really trying to get in. I've heard people trying to open my doors at night before, as well as shouts and random ear piercing screams, but luckily this was during the morning because otherwise it would have been a different story altogether. I wake up and jump off my bed, shout an obscenity or two to get whomevers attention and open the passenger door and see there's a woman trying to open the RV door I rarely use. That spot is a dedicated trash bag pile I create before finding an empty dumpster to toss them in. She turns and says, "Brother!" with outstretched arms. She hugs me. One of those long hugs that feel nice, the kind you don't want to walk away from. At first glance I assumed she was a Jehovah's witness or some sort of religious person. She's wearing a weird dress type outfit, purplish blue in color, with bare feet.