There is so much that has happened since I left for college that I feel it’s time for you to know about, know who I am. I’ve had so many beautiful and painful experiences in the last few years that have helped shape me into becoming the person who I am today, that I have grown into. The person who I have learned to love and embrace. Who has been through more than you know. Knocked down but always finding a way to thrive. Always finding a way to navigate through any darkness I am faced with. Internally fighting so much between my past and present. Between what is really a part of who I want to be and what I thought was because of my exposure. I have spent a tremendous amount of time getting to know myself all the parts that make me who I am, good and bad and have learned how to learn those parts. The parts that were confused. The parts that have needed direction. The parts that were in pain. The parts that had questions that were never answered. The parts that were silenced that just wanted to be heard. The parts of me that for so long I never acknowledge or even knew were inside of me that have slowly emerged that I’ve come to know.
Here’s the thing. It isn’t a question of if we are friends or not. It’s whether you are ready to take responsibility and acknowledge what happened. I am and I have accepted what happened and healed. But, the thing is that if you want to be in my life you can’t pretend like nothing happened acting like we are all good. Like you didn’t hurt me and like it was all my fault because it wasn't and I think you know that deep down. It doesn’t work like that. I refuse to let it. I would love to be friends. But, I’m not willing to be friends or let you back into my life in any real sense until this happens. My life is here and my friends are here. I don’t need you. I can’t respect or have someone in my life who has wronged me and hurt me who can’t be mature and self aware enough to see their own faults and not to just disappear when things get hard or uncomfortable or they disagree. I've grown past the time in my life when I would accept that. I want more for myself and I owe it to myself to accept only what I deserve. For me, friendship is far more than that and my loyalty has always been there even when yours faltered.
You will always have one foot in and out no matter how much you want to have both in as long as you’re not able to be completely honest with them or at least with your mom. Because you so desperately want things to be all good again but a part of you feels like you’re hiding this huge part of what happened to you and why you did the things you did but you don’t want to hurt them by telling them. While at the same time it’s eating you alive especially the more time you spend with them and think about them.
"you don't mature with time, you mature through lessons. you mature when you make mistakes and learn where you went wrong. you mature the moment you can admit that you were wrong and accept that people will always have differing opinions on you and that's okay. you mature when you look within yourself before you look at others, it is the moment you decide to hold your tongue instead of engage in unnecessary dispute. you mature when you choose kindness over arrogance, and choose to forgive over holding grudges. you don't mature through the time that passes, you mature through the lessons you seek and understand."
You were the first person who’s come into my life in a very long time that I thought would actually stay.
There's no falling, only fallen. When you know, you're already there. The realization, the clarity, the awareness; it all comes after when it's too late.