Listening helps us understand. Understanding leads to compassion. Compassion opens the way for love. Love opens the door for openness. Openness creates the space for better connection.
The part that no one can tell you how you’re supposed to feel, what you’re supposed to do. What the right thing to do is. What you need to do.
All my life you raised me one way. One very specific way. With certain ideals, certain beliefs.
You’re tired of dating people to find out later that they were never in a place emotionally to give you what you needed, to give you back what you give to others, to be there for you like you have been for them. The thing is that the blame isn’t all theirs and that is what you will eventually come to understand. But the real question is even if they were, would the person you are now at the level of healing and with your current relationship with your emotions be ready for that? Because the things that we attract, want, and value in others should show us a lot about ourselves allowing us to look inward asking ourselves why those are things that matter and gravitate towards us. What and why they resonate with us in some aspect.
There is so much that has happened since I left for college that I feel it’s time for you to know about, know who I am. I’ve had so many beautiful and painful experiences in the last few years that have helped shape me into becoming the person who I am today, that I have grown into. The person who I have learned to love and embrace. Who has been through more than you know. Knocked down but always finding a way to thrive. Always finding a way to navigate through any darkness I am faced with. Internally fighting so much between my past and present. Between what is really a part of who I want to be and what I thought was because of my exposure. I have spent a tremendous amount of time getting to know myself all the parts that make me who I am, good and bad and have learned how to learn those parts. The parts that were confused. The parts that have needed direction. The parts that were in pain. The parts that had questions that were never answered. The parts that were silenced that just wanted to be heard. The parts of me that for so long I never acknowledge or even knew were inside of me that have slowly emerged that I’ve come to know.
Here’s the thing. It isn’t a question of if we are friends or not. It’s whether you are ready to take responsibility and acknowledge what happened. I am and I have accepted what happened and healed. But, the thing is that if you want to be in my life you can’t pretend like nothing happened acting like we are all good. Like you didn’t hurt me and like it was all my fault because it wasn't and I think you know that deep down. It doesn’t work like that. I refuse to let it. I would love to be friends. But, I’m not willing to be friends or let you back into my life in any real sense until this happens. My life is here and my friends are here. I don’t need you. I can’t respect or have someone in my life who has wronged me and hurt me who can’t be mature and self aware enough to see their own faults and not to just disappear when things get hard or uncomfortable or they disagree. I've grown past the time in my life when I would accept that. I want more for myself and I owe it to myself to accept only what I deserve. For me, friendship is far more than that and my loyalty has always been there even when yours faltered.