How To Stop Your Divorce & Fix Your Marriage

We have all heard the depressing statistics regarding divorce and marriage, which show that half of all marriages fail and that the spouses who separate leave behind destroyed homes, broken emotions, and ruined hopes. Thus, the question of how to stop your divorce is a hot one, and in today's environment of tumultuous marriages, it may be really needed. The vast amount of advice available from experts, magazines, and even websites like this one, however, can occasionally seem superficial, contradictory, or confusing because every situation is a little bit different, and sometimes this advice does not seem to be relevant to your marriage and how to fix it.

Relevance is a tough concept, though, because even generic advice can be helpful if you can find a way to apply it correctly and make it relevant to your own issues. Although I've already written a few articles about more specific situations, I hope to write more in the future. In the meantime, this article will focus more on general principles that, with any luck, can be used by everyone to prevent their marriage from becoming just another statistic to which we grow numb over time.

Although the first piece of advice on how to avoid divorce may appear condescending, I feel compelled to heed it. The first step you must take is to assess your marriage to determine if it IS WORTH saving. Of course, everyone looking to avoid divorce believes that their marriage is worth saving, but some people only take this step out of a sense of duty to avoid losing their partner or being left alone when their marriage is actually in a state where it would be better to let go. While I genuinely believe that this is not the case in 99% of marital issues, for the small minority who may be in abusive marriages or who may be wed for precisely the wrong reasons, this is an important issue to consider.

How do you evaluate such things though? A quick checklist of things to consider:

Is your relationship abusive?

Are you being honest with yourself over the reasons you want to stay together

Will this make you both happy in the long run?

Are you doing this out of fear rather than love?

These are just a few things to consider before you decide to take action to save your marriage and get it back on the right track, which is something that is certainly possible. By no means is this a comprehensive list. There are some fundamental strategies you can employ to save your marriage if you truly believe it is worth saving, regardless of how far along you are in the divorce process.

Take the lead & Reach out

This does not imply that you should be aggressive and domineering; in fact, it almost implies the opposite, but it still puts you in a position to assume the initiative in trying to find a solution to salvage your marriage. By taking the initiative, you have to be the one to guide the relationship through the ups and downs of conflicts and issues that will develop as you try to identify and address the issues that are causing your marriage to crumble.

To accomplish this, you must constantly be the stronger individual and resist the need to give in to your hurt and anger. While this may be tough, it is necessary to keep your efforts to stop your divorce moving in a constructive manner. Additional pointers for achieving this include:

Do not be afraid to lose!

In a heated disagreement, so many individuals let their ego stand in the way of common reason because they are so confident that they are correct. Your capacity to let go of this ego and your willingness to quit keeping score will have a significant impact on how to stop your divorce. Being right becomes more important than saving your marriage, and the back-and-forth tit for tat that develops into a macabre game in a failed relationship accelerates its demise.

Many people who have successfully avoided divorce have come to the realization that by letting go of the need to win, you may defuse conflicts and prevent the wall of bitterness and fury from smothering any other dialogue. Even if you are without a shadow of a doubt correct and your spouse disputes it, let it go and state that you respect their opinion and have decided not to pursue the issue further. If you disagree, the walls will come down and the issue will remain unresolved.

Remember that being able to speak honestly from the heart can save your marriage, and the only way to accomplish this is to take the initiative and accept responsibility for your marriage by being willing to endure the occasional jab without retribution.

Actions speak louder than words

Old saying, but it holds true: without supporting evidence, just words can be wind. It basically means that no matter how effective you are at communicating, if you don't back up what you say, no trust will be reestablished or developed.

If you take action on something, it has a few impacts beyond what is immediately apparent. For example, if you conquer a problem that is ripping your marriage apart, the following consequences may follow:

Goodwill - Every journey of the soul needs a starting point, and a modest bright light of goodwill can start it. Therefore, even in a marriage in crisis, something as basic as creating a small bit of goodwill is significant.

Trust - This increases trust when it may have previously been lacking, as has been discussed. If you follow up, it may not completely alter your spouse's perspective, but it will begin to rebuild that bridge.

Reciprocal action - Humans are wired to feel an obligation of gratitude towards those who help them. Most individuals will feel compelled to reciprocate if you offer them something with the notion that it will just be a present with no conditions. This is a fact that smart businesses are aware of and it applies to all forms of interpersonal communication.

The final consequence is that if you put in the time and effort to act, change your behavior, or do something that has to be done, even if your spouse thinks it is justified, it triggers a demand for reciprocation. The need to return the favor may not even exist, but it has begun.

Instead of taking or stagnating, this can begin a cycle of giving for the improvement of your marriage. Be advised that while it might not be simple or instant, doing this will improve things.

Self-respect

Finally, keep in mind that you must always act with integrity throughout all of this. Many people who have read the points about "giving in" in an argument and "taking action" on your spouse's whim have told me (sometimes quite rudely) that this makes them a doormat and they refuse to do it because they feel they will just be taken advantage of and will garner no respect from their spouse, which will not solve their marital problems.

In many instances, this is true, and it's a great issue that deserves attention. How to halt your divorce is about establishing a two-way street of cooperation, goodwill, and action on the issues that plague the marriage, which necessitates both parties' involvement. This implies that as you try to create this bridge, you might be the only one doing so, which is difficult to deal with and may feel like you are begging, neither of which is helpful nor healthy.

Here, you must always uphold your personal regard for yourself. Have you actually preserved a relationship or are you merely saving an institution if you save your marriage but lose yourself? Three crucial factors that go hand in hand with the aforementioned principles must be taken into account in order to maintain self-respect.

Don't beg. Asking for forgiveness, a second chance, or anything else like that only serves to undermine your own self-worth. Couples are drawn to their partners' strengths, and begging does not display strength. Without continuing down this road and giving in to dread and anxiety, you can express your willingness to mend your marriage. Say the same things calmly and without seeming desperate.

Do not lie - Even if I am assuming that you are willing to lose track of things, lying is not necessary to settle a dispute because doing so will just produce problems down the road. Do not play that game; you do not need to lose or win!

Don't crow - By this, I mean don't count on getting rewarded for your hard work, and don't brag about what a terrific husband or wife you've been lately. Inform them of your attempts to repair your marriage, but avoid shouting it from the rooftops and demanding payment.