Divorcing Misery

I used to become disappointed when I'd think of all the missed opportunities my husband had to be thoughtful, to show me he cared. I'd quietly fold the laundry while he sat on the couch never offering to help. I'd silently clean up everyone's messes. I would wash their dishes, drive them from point A to point B, make sure they're all fed, and that they all have clean clothes to wear. I did all of this without batting an eye, because that's just what you do as a mother and wife.

Every once in a while I would get overwhelmed and would beg my husband to take even one task off my shoulders. It was like pulling teeth and always ended up being a waste of breath. There was never an obvious aversion to helping me, it's just that my requests were always halfway done or simply forgotten all together.

I constantly wondered if all men were like this. I lamented the fact that my life was this way, and that I had to deal with his incompetence every day. I was constantly annoyed with the man that was supposed to be my equal partner. It was instead much like taking care of another child. I would get so frustrated on numerous occasions that I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust.

The guilt. The guilt. I felt it hard when I only wanted what was best for me and my mental health. Somehow it felt wrong to walk away from someone who constantly siphoned all of my energy and happiness. I felt responsible for giving all of myself to someone who could barely give me anything at all. Why?

My reasoning was simple to me. My ex didn't act out of spite, or anything negative. He loved me very much. He was just not equipped to be the partner I needed him to be. How could I be so selfish as to take myself away from someone who needed me so badly? He wouldn't survive without me or his mom doing everything for him.

Him not being the perfect partner wasn't my fault. In some ways it wasn't his fault, either, because he really might not be capable of the kind of change I was asking of him. Although I agreed to marry him, I do not eternally owe him any part of me. People change, evolve, and grow, sometimes growing apart. And that's ok.

This took me a while to grasp. Apparently I believed that every person who wanted me in whatever capacity deserved a part of me. So I would continuously give and give until I had nothing left for myself. I didn't know what boundaries were, or that it was healthy to have them.

I held on for so long to this marriage that I knew wasn't working, because I had a misconception that marriage would make me belong to an elite club for adults. Like having the title of "wife" would somehow give me the mark of an actual adult woman in society. I believed that by just getting married all of my past "wrongs," like having children and living with a man out of wedlock, would be erased and forgotten. I thought that if I married someone my family would finally be proud of me for checking off that box, and that it would earn me an "adult badge" in my family circle.

Like many others, I was taught to believe that what my family and society wanted for me is all that matters. It had never occurred to me that I can make my own life choices based on what made ME happy deep down. I had never even stopped to think about what would truly make me happy. I even ignored every tiny voice that told me to pump the brakes on getting married, because I had already made up my mind and convinced myself that it needed to happen, and that this was just another necessary step on the road to adulthood.

Back then, my happiness only came from others. I didn't know how to be happy on my own. I didn't know how to love or accept myself, so I looked for love and acceptance from anyone and everyone else. I was going and going every single day while doing the same things and suffering in the same ways. I felt like I was in a loop of monotonous torture of my own design.

I finally realized that I was the only person who could get me out.

So despite people not understanding, despite them trying to convince me it was just a phase, and despite the guilt I felt at first, and despite the fear and terror I had about how I'd make it on my own, I took the plunge toward my own happiness and just left.

I don't attempt to explain myself to anyone judging me now, because they're not me. They haven't lived my life. They don't know what my path is supposed to be. I am the only one that knows these things. That is called self validation, and it is the best feeling ever.

Had I not gone down this empowering path of choosing my MY happiness, I wouldn't be on the road to my unique abundance that is meant especially for ME. I would still be living someone else's life as an impostor, and a miserable one, at that.

So don't be afraid to make your own choices. No one else, not even your family/parents/etc. know what's best for you. They only know what they have experienced. Trust that voice inside, that feeling. Spend some time in quiet contemplation and figure out what you actually want. It's a scary and rewarding experience that you won't regret.