"ALONE"

Before We Get Started, Here Are Some Facts Concerning Loneliness And Depression

Although loneliness by itself is not a mental health issue, the two are closely related. Your likelihood of experiencing loneliness may rise if you have a mental health issue. Everybody experiences loneliness occasionally. But, since loneliness is a subjective emotion, no two people will experience the same loneliness. The feeling we experience when our demand for fulfilling social contact and connections is unmet is a frequent description of loneliness. However, being lonely is not always the same as being alone.

Others might find it isolating to live alone and have little touch with others, yet you may choose to do this and live contentedly in solitude. Even if you have a lot of social contact, are in a relationship, or are a member of a family, you could still feel lonely, especially if those around you don't make you feel valued or cared for. Your mental health may significantly suffer if you're lonely, especially if those feelings have persisted for a while. According to some studies, loneliness raises the chance of developing certain mental health issues like depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, sleep issues, and increased stress.

While loneliness is a passing emotional situation, depression is a complex mental health problem. Depression might occur as a result of loneliness and discontent feelings. Working to make interpersonal connections better can lessen feelings of isolation and provide some depression prevention.

“A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets its wings. Remember that next time you feel alone.” —Mandy Hale

Now, Onto My Story And My Struggle With Being Alone And Possibly Suffering From Depression

My wife, who suffers from a number of mental illnesses, decided to stop taking her prescribed medications due to the constant changes in doctors and prescriptions, which affected the way she felt, understandably. Being on the outside looking in, I completely backed her on her decision thinking I was being supportive but in reality, I should’ve been on the side of her doctors and therapists and advised her to continue taking her meds, at the least, in smaller doses. From that point, things quickly deteriorated but I didn't realize how bad things were. I had grown so accustomed to our happiness. I was always making my wife laugh and smile. Because she was younger than me, I showed her many things that I knew she would appreciate and enjoy, even if it was just a trip to the mountains in the fall to see the beautiful fall colors. We were always doing something together. But life hadn't been so easy for us. Me struggling with my job and trying to keep the bills paid. Her, juggling a house with three children, keeping it clean and making sure dinner was ready, and so on. But we succeeded and life appeared for the most part to be good as far as “us”. We took on every challenge that came our way. Even though we weren't always successful, we dealt with it as a team. I was her "rock", and she was my "flower". My best friend, lover, mother of my daughter and the two boys she had before me, and my partner in everything. We did everything together. Life was difficult, but it was good, and it humbled me. We had so many adventures together, and nothing made me happier than seeing her smile and light up when she discovered something new or just because. My beautiful wife. For the first time in my life, I was truly "in love”.

But there was a dark side to it as well. She was already dealing with and struggling with mental illness when we met, and it wasn’t something she could hide from me. So, she was open about it, but only to a point, as she was never really comfortable with the whole "communication" thing when it came to relationships and how talking about things could potentially bring us closer and make us stronger. Her communication skills were lacking in that aspect. She had that proverbial “wall up”. But when it came to me communicating and talking with my wife, I've always been an open book because I didn't want any secrets between us. I made sure I didn't keep anything from her since I didn't want there to be any nasty surprises later on, like stumbling into an ex at the grocery store who had an odd story. So I made sure she knew everything about me, but I've always felt that I didn't know everything about my wife. That seemed to be the only problem I was having with her. I would often try to get her to talk to me when she was upset or would start crying out of the blue, but it never worked because she would simply shut down and keep it to herself. It concerned me that she would prefer to text me from another room rather than talk to me in person about it. I felt that interactions of this nature required face-to-face, eye-to-eye communication. But maybe that was me being unreasonable and insisting on getting my way. I was really blind to how serious my wife's condition was. But I was even blinder about the role I played in it as well.

If I could do it all over again, I'd take it any way I could get it. She was reaching out to me in the only way she knew how because she wasn't used to communicating on this level. I had forgotten how new this kind of life was to my wife, so I was ignorant and oblivious to the fact. Dealing with mental illness on a personal level was new to me, and my need to be a tough guy and a "rock" blinded me to my wife's delicateness, my flower. I didn't notice she was losing her petals. If only I could go back in time and do it all over again. "If only I knew then what I know now," as the saying goes. However, in most cases, there are no second chances. My wife had lost control of her mental illness. Her not being on her meds didn't help, and neither did my ignorance.

What I didn't realize was that part of the problem was my own battle with mental illness, which I simply refused to believe existed in me at the time. "Who Me?" I'm far too strong to be affected by anything like that. But I wasn't. I lost my mom, my aunt, who was like a mother to me, two of my cousins, one of my best friends, my job, and my beloved dog and protector, all just suddenly, back to back to back beginning in March of 2020. I was struggling with everything, her oldest son's mental conditions, our landlord, our finances, the pandemic, being diagnosed with type II diabetes which affected my eyesight, and just the stress of it all which suddenly caused me to develop symptoms of ED, just everything. We had each other but the world was in utter chaos all around us. But because I had to be the "rock" and not exhibit any signs of weakness or anguish, I kept the weight on my shoulders bottled up. But was I putting my family first? If I cried, would they make fun of me? I should have cried with my wife, but I was too stubborn to do so. Now she has left. Was it her, was it me or was it the combination of both of our mental battles that caused her to lose control of it all and leave?

I miss my wife so much it hurts. I miss my children and all of the laughter, playing, and fun things we used to do as a family. My life has never been so quiet. Is it just that I'm lonely, is this how depression feels, was it my fault, what did I do wrong? Our bond was always so strong. Where did we make a mistake? Is she missing me? I know my children do. Is she with another man? Is she happy? Is she depressed? Are they safe? Was she just taking advantage of me? Was she ever truly in love with me? There are so many questions for which I have no answers.

I make an effort to manage by keeping busy, but does it really help at the end of the day? When I go to sleep and dream, these tools and coping techniques are absent, but when I wake up, they are all around me so I continue to do things to keep myself busy but I don’t want to “not remember”. In my dreams, my wife and I converse, she smiles at me, and I can even touch her and smell the conditioner in her hair. In my dreams, we resolve the issues. But when I wake up, she's gone, and all that's left are the items I surround myself with to help me cope—things like my diffuser, my guitar, my relaxing sound machine, my weighted blanket, and a ton of other things I've implemented. Don't get me wrong all of these things have been incredibly helpful in terms of assisting me in maintaining a happy outlook throughout the days but I can’t, I won’t forget. When I lay down, close my eyes, and drift off to sleep, these things become obsolete. It's now just me and my mind. Sometimes I would rather stay asleep and continue to dream about my wife and my family rather than wake up to these devices. But, life must go on, so I get up and begin my regular self-care routine so I can carry out my day.

When it comes to outside family members they don't understand. I often hear things like "get over it", "why did you trust her", "she was mentally unstable so you should've seen this coming", and the list goes on, and to be honest, it's all hurtful but I try to understand their ignorance as well. People in this world forgot how to love. How to truly love. How to be in love. How to care unconditionally for one another. Was I not supposed to "trust" my wife? I trusted my wife with my life and I would’ve easily risked my life for hers, no question. How was I supposed to see this coming? My job was to support my wife not get rid of her because of her battles with mental illness. Through sickness and health, for good or bad. And even though I wasn't good at it, I did my best. That's what you do when you love someone. I supported the medical assistance she was receiving. I tried to ensure she stayed on track and was always happy. I can't just get over her. I can't just write her off. My wife needs help, and it’s my responsibility to do something. She is my wife. We are bound by God and I hold true to my vows. So, regardless of how anyone feels about it, I still have a job to do. But I won't lie, it hurts awfully bad. Even from your closest friends and family, there is simply not enough awareness and support. We as a people, "the villages”, families, loved ones, and friends have forgotten what it is to support each other. To be kind as well as caring. To be human. With all the suffering caused by the pandemic, you would think that we would come together, yet all it did was drive us further apart. As a species and as a race, the human race, we still haven't gotten the lesson.

So I sit here, alone.

But, I know I'm truly not alone. I can always rely on God. Every day when I pray, I ask God to forgive me, lead me in the right direction, and protect my family. It’s said that through God anything is possible. So, again I pray. He has granted me another day to carry out my mission and assist others, and I am grateful for that. This is what has really sustained me during these trying times. It isn't my new hobbies, my music, or any of the other things I do to keep my mind occupied. What keeps me going and keeps me looking forward with a confident positive attitude is what I can do right now to help others. I'm doing well if I can even make one person's life better. There are many of us who are suffering and believe that we are doing so, alone. You are not alone. I'm not alone. We're not on our own. Together, we can overcome this, even if there isn't an instant fix. If you take each day as it comes and work to improve your mental health, it won't hurt as much and will eventually get better. Simply have faith in your own power.

We cannot rely on others to heal us. To assist in our own recovery, we must do the essential actions. Though there are some persons without a support system, God is always there. Whether or not you believe in God. We are all connected to a greater power or energy than ourselves which is the reason why we are here. We are all human.

I know I won't be physically alone forever if I don't want to be. My loneliness stems not only from the physical aspect of being with someone but also from the bonds that were formed. The memories that were born. Trust and love. All of these things that grew stronger with time. I'm getting old, and I don't think I'll be able to do it again. Nonetheless, I remain hopeful and optimistic. But if you're one that still has a chance, make sure you pay attention to the signs and care for your loved ones unconditionally. Keep a cheerful attitude and resist letting the melancholy dominate if you've lost a loved one or your relationship ended and you are now alone. Try to come up with a way to make yourself feel better.

I am not an expert in the field. I am not a medical doctor or a therapist. I don't have any certifications, credentials, or anything of the sort. I'm just a man on a mission to help my wife and family and hopefully get them back home safely. As I've learned more about mental illness, I've discovered a lot about myself, which has been extremely beneficial. I know that if this path that I am on can help my stubborn butt, it can help so many others. As always, take care and be well.

Founder Of Mindful!

Les M.