A Five Point Star

Hello.

If you have landed here amongst the chaos, then you must be in a interesting place in your life where I hopefully can help in some way. If not, at least let me bring you snippets of my life and we can feel chaotic together. Misery loves company. Or whatever the idiots around me say.

I have always felt a need to help bridge a gap between those who are in the throughs of suffering and provide those who need an understanding of that pain- be a reminder that, more times than not, it is temporary. Who am I to tell someone that their suffering is temporary? Who am I to pretend to know what someone else is going through? Who am I? Trust me- I have asked myself this question more times than I care to admit. Who cares what I have to say about any topic. Especially when it comes to pain and suffering. I have spent so many seconds, minutes, days, weeks, years thinking that my pain and suffering was permanent. And that my suffering was meant to only be felt by me. So, I was meant to suffer alone, permanently. I'm talking, holding my breath to see how long I can go without breathing and still there I am- holding my breath. Long lasting. Without an end. Yet, my story continues on each and every day. With each day, there I find myself living a little more. Blue in the face and out of breath most days. But nonetheless, living. Or surviving. Because let me be very honest, thriving- not even close. It's a whole moment by moment situation happening.

You see, my story did not start with a picture perfect love. My story did not have a complex plot twist. Not yet, anyways. Most importantly, my story has not ended. At least I do not think that it has. So if we are living in a simulation- Daddy Creator, will you give me a hint when my time is up before it is? I want to go out with a BANG. And if you have not dove into the 'life is a simulation' theory, look into it. It is startling and humorous all at the same time. And if you have made it this far in my rambling monologue, let me say this. My story has not ended, and neither has yours. Whatever brought you here today, mainly what I want to say is that you are not alone.

I do not know if I am ready, or at the point in my therapy sessions where I feel comfortable sharing every detail of my story. The good, bad, and ugly can be a bit much. Well clearly it is a lot to handle- I am in therapy to sort through that tangled web. I love my therapist, really I do. She is the only person on the planet that I solely trust to take on my inner most demons and help sort out that shit. To be honest, I do not know what says more about me- I feel like she is my best companion, even though I pay her to spend time with me. Or I feel strangely comfortable with telling a complete stranger the deepest darkest inner workings of my truly messed up brain. Either way *this is me inserting that I am PRO therapy sessions, if you have the therapist that is right for your needs* we are all walking shitshows and I spent a lot of time feeling like my pain did not matter to others. So the pain that I felt, I had to suffer through alone. I do not want that for you. YOUR PAIN MATTERS. YOU MATTER.

And I will leave you with this. I have this incredibly talented, bright, hysterical friend. She is the friend that is so witty and knowledgable about so many things. Her smile literally brights up every single room and people literally gravitate towards her because she's nice. Okay - I have said enough nice things about her. This wench somehow talked me into attending this yoga session on a wednesday night in the middle of summer. When I tell you the last time that I have done any type of stretching was in college 15 some years ago. So she asked and I couldn't turn her down because like I pointed out a few line up, she is precious. And you don't dare tell her no. She's an angel on earth. So what if I had to sweat a little. Seriously, when I say best decision. It was truly the best decision that I had made for a wednesday evening. And I'll tell you why. It wasn't the sweat because let's face it- I sweat. I hate sweating. It wasn't the fact that I didn't feel out of place. I sure did, very much so. It was when the instructor had us all facing the wall, arms reaching out from us on both sides, legs spread out. The five point start pose, the instructor called it. She then said over her microphone, "You are a five point star and you deserve to take up space." And there you have it folks.

YOU DESERVE TO TAKE UP SPACE.

I have never in my life had someone tell me that I was worthy of taking up space. And here Ms. Yoga instructor gave me permission to take up as much space as I needed. I laid on that shed floor, in the middle of that yoga class, the lights off, listening to the wind down meditation music in the pitch dark, crying my eyes out.

So, here I am to tell you and I want you to hear me loud and clear.

YOU ARE ENOUGH.

YOUR PAIN MATTERS.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

YOU ARE A FIVE POINT STAR.

YOU DESERVE TO TAKE UP SPACE.