8 Signs You're In A One-Sided Relationship

1. You feel like you're the one always initiating plans.

There will always be a give-and-take in a relationship that changes throughout time. According to the circumstances of your existence, you might occasionally exert more effort than they do, and vice versa.

But supposing that early on in a dating or committed relationship, you find that you are suddenly the one who is constantly requesting face time. They might not be very good at making plans in general, but it's also possible that they don't care as much about seeing you as you do about them. You must determine whether you are okay with either choice.

2. You feel tired.

That burnt-out feeling isn’t just reserved for career exhaustion—a one-sided relationship can start to wear you down, too. “Sometimes when you are tired, it’s because you are giving and not getting a lot back,” says Paulette Sherman, PhD, psychologist and host of the Love Psychologist podcast. Sure, nurturing a relationship takes work, but you should feel more energized rather than drained physically and emotionally.

3. You feel nervous about using words like relationship, boyfriend/girlfried.

Listen to that sensation if, deep down, you want to be able to introduce this person to your friends and family in a certain way or use the word "relationship" in front of them without worrying that you'll scare them away. Your intuition is telling you that you are more invested and interested in them than they are in you.

4. You start to second-guess your worth.

When you do all you can to make the relationship work and to make your partner feel seen, it can feel like a blow to your self-esteem when that isn’t reciprocated, says Sherman. In actuality, it’s not a reflection of your worth.

5. You accommodate to their suppressed level of intimacy.

This one is a biggie, so pay attention. Early on, sometimes a person will point-blank tell you that they have some sort of trouble with intimacy.

Maybe they're scarred from a past experience with a cheating ex, they're damaged by their parents' divorce, or they're still getting over a recent relationship. Whatever the case, you might digest that info as a form of intimacy, because they're sharing something personal with you. Try not to do that.

What often ends up happening is you start making accommodations around their barrier to intimacy, and you can become comfortable with that. But that's a one-sided relationship, because they are not worried about losing you over their intimacy issues—but you're now worried about losing them over how you respond to those issues. Not cool!

6. They aren't creating a "love map."

I love this term from psychologist John Gottman, one of the leading marriage and divorce researchers. A love map is how a significant other sees their person's inner world—their hopes, dreams, desires, fears, insecurities, experiences, memories...all the things that make them, well, them.

If the person you're seeing isn't trying to get to know the pieces on your mental chess board—something that evolves over time, so the effort should be a continuous process—that's a true sign of a one-sided relationship.

7. They use work as a reason to keep you at arm's length.

I get it: A person who is career-driven and motivated is sexy. But they know this! Which is why if they're often using work to avoid making definitive plans or justify bailing at the last second, they could be using their professional life as a crutch. It's hard to tell, but one clue: When they have free time, are they trying to spend it with you? If not, you're looking at, you guessed it, a one-sided situation.

8. You're always the one keeping the convo going.

Look, not everyone is a great texter or huge talker. That's totally fine! But if there's been a noticeable shift in their responsiveness—or they don't offer up face-to-face plans to communicate instead—you may be on uneven terrain.

Here's what to do if you're in one-sided relationship:

So you mentally checked off some of the above signs? I feel for you. Now let's fix it.

The first step is to neutrally identify the problem. Think, for instance: I'm an idiot for being so into this person who I'm obviously not good enough for, rather than This individual doesn't seem to be as invested in me.

Then, start a direct discussion about your observations rather than making any reproaches. Because they aren't living up to your expectations or because you're attempting to guilt them into getting closer to you, you don't want to push them even further away. So say something like this: "I've noticed I'm generally the one to reach out to you for planning. I simply want to know if that's because I'm more interested in meeting you, or if you just like it when the other person takes the initiative.

This provides you the chance to understand why they are acting the way they are, and when they don't feel threatened, they are more inclined to be open and honest with you.

If they say they just really like how simple and comfortable it is for you to set up and organise dates, you can respond with something like, "That's nice to know! When I invite you somewhere, I'd really appreciate it if you could be more comforting so I know we're still on the same page. But you get to determine if that's good enough for you if their response verifies what you were concerned about—that they're simply not feeling the same way you are.