5 Years And Going Stronger

Written by a human, for humans, always.

Today is my fifth wedding anniversary.

My spouse and I have been together for a number of years longer than that...

Going on 12 years.

But of that time, we have only been married for 5 of those years...

And 5 wonderful years at that.

It seems to me that every year things continue to improve...

Which is incredible.

I look around the world and at the lives of many people...

And that does not always seem to be the norm.

I have seen a lot of divorces and broken marriages and relationships in my life.

My mother divorced my father.

My father had been divorced before marrying my mother.

My grandmother divorced my grandfather.

My spouse's parents are divorced.

I've had other family and friends who have divorced...

Some who are still together, but it is not going well...

And very few individuals I know who have had long marriages with one individual.

Even if people do find lasting marriages at some point...

As my mom did with my stepdad, and my grandmother did with my stepgrandfather...

It is interesting to note how few marriages seem to last...

And even among those, how few seem to be going well.

I'm blessed to say the least, and grateful to God for bringing my spouse into my life.

So what has helped our relationship flourish over the years?

First, for us, is keeping the Lord God at the center of our marriage.

This is essential in our relationship.

In our Faith, we see our relationship as sacred.

It is not a commodity that we can take or throw away as we feel like it.

We are brought together and become one.

This means that we are inherently equal, and that what is best for the individual is also best for the relationship, and what is best for the relationship is best for the individual.

What is important here as well...

Is that we see each other as being valued as God's creation...

And as such, we must value each other as God values us.

I think this dynamic is something that is missing in many relationships.

They may talk about these types of values, or similar derivatives of them...

But I feel that it is very rare for people to actually "live" these types of dynamics.

There is the lip service of this to the relationship...

But in many people's hearts, they are seeking only what they want and desire...

And when the other person does not give that...

Then it creates a separation in the relationship...

And that separation usually grows instead of shrinks over time.

Another thing that is important in our relationship...

Is growth.

But not just any growth...

We have to have growth together.

That does not mean that we do all the same things all the time...

Though we do spend time together and go frequently on dates and trips...

But it means that we care about how the other person is growing and are invested in how they grow over time.

We support each other's careers...

We support spending time with our extended families...

We support the hobbies we are interested in...

We support each other's health.

What I have seen occur for many people...

Is that they separate different aspects of their lives...

Treating them as distinct and putting up barriers between those different parts of their lives...

And the result is that those barriers create rifts.

Someone chooses to stay on one side of one barrier too often...

The other person stays on a different side of a different barrier...

When they meet, there is so little to discuss because most of their lives occur on the other sides of those barriers that do not cross...

And over time...

Each individual has created an entire life that the other knows little to nothing about...

And suddenly the individuals are strangers to each other...

Because their growth occurred elsewhere and they did not seek to be a part of each other's growth.

Then, the break in the relationship seems to be the easiest solution...

Assuming there was nothing that occurred on the other side of the walls that destroyed the relationship altogether...

Which I have seen happen many times.

Growth needs to be intentional as individuals...

And growth together also needs to be intentional within a relationship.

For us, the other important thing...

Is to not fight over things that have little consequence.

Disagreements happen.

Different people have different perspectives and different experiences in life.

That can be valuable...

If...

You are willing and open to listening and learning...

Especially in a relationship.

Where so many people become challenged...

Is that instead of seeing disagreements as opportunities...

They see them as battle lines...

And they are ready to fight to the death for their perspective...

Even if it is at the expense of every relationship they have.

That is unhealthy.

There is no problem with having strong beliefs...

Unless you are unwilling to listen to others and their perspectives...

And willing to destroy others when they disagree with you.

Relationships cannot survive in that kind of environment.

People need to be able to speak their minds and share their perspectives without feeling like they are going to have to fight to death over it.

Especially...

When the outcome of that battle has no bearing on the future.

But...

If you fight like that over the little things...

Then through sheer force of habit...

You will inevitably fight like that on everything in your relationship...

And that will destroy it.

However...

If you can have real conversations...

And are able to speak your mind in the little things without feeling like it is going to become a battle...

Then are able to come to some form of agreement...

And learn along the way...

That is what will become habit...

And larger challenges become significantly easier to navigate.

For the final thing that I will go into that is important for us...

Is to have proper expectations of each other and the relationship.

So often, people have these wild expectations for what a relationship is supposed to be...

And they discover they are always miserable...

Because they place impossible expectations and inevitably create situations where the other individual is "never enough"...

And often it is a two-way street where both individuals have these expectations.

Now, I'm not saying you cannot have high and good expectations.

What I am saying is that you need to stop making books and movies your baseline for what relationships are supposed to look like...

Especially in today's world, where so much of the media is toxic and unhealthy.

You also need expectations...

That recognize that both individuals are human beings with legitimate needs of value and worth.

Now, sadly, I know that many people will read that and will immediately begin to try to impose toxic traits as "needs of value and worth"...

But what I am talking about is more pure and virtuous than that.

People need to feel valuable for who they are, not what they do.

They need to be able to freely express themselves, but they also need to do so in a respectful manner.

There needs to be respect.

Emotions need to be able to be expressed and discussed, but done in a mentally healthy manner for both individuals.

People need to be able to have hopes and dreams and feel like they have the ability to move towards them with support.

Those are the types of expectations that I am talking about.

Having healthy expectations like that is a large part of how my spouse and I have had such a great relationship over the years that continues to grow.

That is why I feel so lucky every day.

I've been in bad relationships where I was not able to be myself...

Where my dreams were squashed, and expectations were placed on me that were impossible to reach.

I also can't say that I have always been perfect at these in the past.

I've had my own flaws along the way.

I'm glad that none of those relationships made it to marriage, because I believe that they would not have ended well.

But my marriage today is fulfilling, and I am blessed by how the past 5 years have been...

And I am extremely excited for the next very many years of this journey.

Happy anniversary, my Love.

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