Candid Thoughts from An Introvert  

When I'm feeling my best self, my quiet, mostly solitary existence fills me with joy. I'm happy in my own company, I'm content, and I feel like life makes sense in its most minimalistic form. 

However, when I'm not feeling so good, I can often feel lonely, desperate, and plagued by my inner critic. 

So, being introverted has its pros and cons like everything else. 

What I want to clear up here though are four major friction points that seem to cause confusion and/or misunderstanding.

You see, us introverts can be mistaken as shy, nerdy, and awkward at best or disinterested, rude, and cold at worst. But usually, it's the opposite, at least in my case anyway.

I know from my own 31 years of trying to make sense of the world, I'm often shy and awkward because I feel overwhelmed or out of my depth and I come across as disinterested or cold simply because I don't know how to respond. 

As a result, I find it easier to withdraw because it's less painful, less intense, and safer, so I do. 

I am learning to lean into the discomfort more as I get older but it's slow progress. 

Here are four other misperceptions to boot: 

1. Just because I'm choosing silence right now, it doesn't mean that I'm not thinking about you/it 

When it comes to resolving conflict, my partner and I couldn't be more different. She needs to talk about every little detail and get to the bottom of why, how, and what it all means. So, my silence is excruciating for her. 

I, on the other hand, need time to reflect, learn, and then alchemise my pain into wisdom. My growth mostly happens in private and I feel agitated, judged, and baited when I have to talk before I'm ready. This can make my beautiful lover freaking annoying. 

(A relationship therapist would have a field day, I'm sure!)

On the scale of extrovert and introvert, she holds the more extrovert characteristics while I hold the more introvert. And this probably goes a long way to explaining our preferred methods of conflict resolution. 

Needless to say, we're working on it. We're finding a compromise within one another's needs, and we're learning how to move in accordance with one another's boundaries. 

It ain't always easy and it's certainly not always pretty, that's for sure. But I'm discovering parts of myself that my introversion couldn't experience without being challenged, so I'm enjoying that if nothing else. 

My withdrawal or silence doesn't mean I don't care though, it's the opposite. However, I'm still trying to figure out how to express that healthily, even after 31 years. 

2. Just because I don't come to gatherings, it doesn't mean that I don't want to be there 

I often don't come (or can't be there) because they exhaust me. I recharge alone and get depleted in groups.

Again, my partner and I couldn't be more different here. She gets energy from groups whereas I feel zapped. So, come midnight she's only just beginning while I'm ready for bed. 

I want to be at gatherings, don't get me wrong. I want to feel connected, to share, be witnessed and witness others, but sometimes I just can't. 

In the past, I used to beat myself about this and as a result, I forced myself to go anyway. However, this often only made things more difficult (and as many old friends would testify - it made me a helluva lot more awkward too!)

Nowadays, I try an honour my deep yearning for connection by connecting on more intimate grounds - with one person at a time, for example, or in groups of 4 or 5 max. 

What I'm trying to say is that please don't take my absence as a sign that I'm not interested. We might just need to switch it up a little. I want to be there as much as anyone else but sometimes it's not always possible. 

3. Just because I'm quiet, it doesn't mean that I don't want to shout and scream 

During childhood, my method of survival was to be the nice kid who never made a peep. This worked tremendously well in the short term but rather locked me up in a ball and chain as I got older. 

It's hard to admit this but I'm still trying to unlock myself today.

This means that even now I struggle to express my truth. I get all hot and sweaty and uncomfortably fidgety whenever frustration, anger, or rage arises because I haven't learned how to express it healthily. So, its fury can often scare me. 

This often means that I don't express it at all which as you can imagine, isn't a healthy approach either. 

Again, it's a process because that scared shitless little kid still lives inside me. And he still just wants to be liked so he worries about what will happen if he does something ugly, rude, or painful. 

If he could, I'm sure he'd scream and shout to let it all out. 

But as I said, I'm trying to be as compassionate to myself as I can be. Maybe one day I'll grab a pillow and shout into that… 

4. Just because I enjoy my own company, it doesn't mean that I don't feel lonely 

I love my own company and I feel very lucky to say that because I know many people don't. 

I can see myself being a monk or a nun in a previous life, gladly renouncing the material world in search of enlightenment. 

In this life, however, I'm neither one of those so I can sometimes feel lonely when my company isn't all that enjoyable and I'm afraid to be around people. So, loneliness is something I've learned to get to know. 

Although meditation, breathwork, and plant medicines have taught me that I'm never really alone and that my soul is connected to something much bigger, in moments of doubt I feel lost without a community around me. 

I know that last point isn't true as I have many wonderful people in my life, including my ever-loving mother (thanks Mum!), but being introverted can sometimes spin a web of thoughts that seem believable at the time. So, I can still get caught up and spun around from time to time. 

Having said all that (and as any introvert will testify), aloneness and loneliness are very different things. Most of the time I enjoy my alone time. And recently I've been learning how to ask for support when I feel lonely. It's scary, but so is loneliness. So, I'm willing to give it a try.

Closing thoughts 

It's been reported that most introverts are extroverted inside and most extroverts are introverted. We just have different ways of expressing ourselves, cultivating energy and connecting to ourselves and others. 

All I know is that being introverted highlights the paradoxical nature of life. 

For example, I want connection but I want to be alone. 

I want to be invited to the party but I don't want to go anywhere. 

I get lonely at home but I don't want anyone to be in my space unless I really like them. 

And even if I really like them I don't want them to stay too long. 

Upon reflection, I'm not surprised people don't understand us. 

But let's end on a good note, shall we? 

"We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love" - Dr. Seuss 

Thanks for being weird with me.