Anxiety Sucks

Everyday I wake up never knowing what the day is going to look like. Is today going to be a good and productive day, or will today be another day fighting my thoughts and irrational fears? Most days I am okay, as I have been better at managing things. Others are so bad just doing one small thing takes the most out of me. Ever since the pandemic I've gotten really bad agoraphobia and only leave the house when I have to, or feel like I can. The amount of self talk that I have to do sometimes is crazy to me, but I keep trying anyway.

That's why when I took my solo trip back in October to Arkansas I was so proud, because it had been so long since I had truly done something like that. The crazy thing with my anxiety is I can do grand things like that but doing things like a simple grocery shopping trip, or something nice for myself like getting my nails done becomes a huge production. When I first experienced a panic attack at the nail salon it just through me into this spiral that I still struggle with to this day.

"Living with Anxiety is like being followed by a voice. It knows all of your insecurities, and uses them against you. It gets to the point when its the loudest voice in the room. The only one you can hear."

The other night I was on Instagram and a girl that I follow that does nails popped up on my feed. I had went to her a few years ago, but because she lived pretty far away from me I only went the one time. I have been wanting to get my nails done for sometime, and other than a gel manicure it had been years since I had a full set of nails. So on a whim I decided to book an appointment with her.

I made the appointment for as early as I could, because one thing I'm learning is even though I hate mornings morning appointments just work better for me. I don't spend all day worrying about the appointment, and somehow talk myself out of going. She does nails out of her home, which is nice because it's calmer. She even had a TV set up with Netflix and put on a good show. While I still experienced anxiety there, she was very understanding.

This was such a win for me. I hope with in time I will keep going and eventually not have the anxiety at all. Half my problem is that I already anticipate it happening so that defiantly isn't helping anything. I can say that I am getting better at managing it, and finding some alternatives so I can still do somethings that I once enjoyed doing. As sad as I have been in 2023 and felt it was one of the darkest years of my life, I am looking back at the little bit of light I had. Without realizing it those little things along with my sister kept me going.

If you relate to this in anyway, just know you're not alone and you are understood and accepted. Mental health is so different for everyone, but we have a lot of the same commonalities when it comes to things. I feel like so many of us are surrounded by friends and family that don't quite understand the struggle. I am very lucky that my family does try their best these days to understand, but it's taken awhile to get to this point. I feel the need to talk about all of this for so many reasons. One major one is to let others who may feel alone, or simply don’t have anyone, know that they aren't alone and that its okay to not be okay. This is a battle we will always fight, but with each battle we become stronger. We all got this!