I'm just a single mom tryna make it. Come with me on my journey through life in writing... "A dream deferred is not a dream denied"
The last few days have been so eventful. My past love is back! I think I told you that last time. Guess that shows how excited I am. You know what though? I am gonna say that I am cautiously excited. Remember, I had already resigned myself to the idea that I will be single until I die. When the girls grow up and move out, I will have a dog. Cats have been growing on me lately though. My neighbor has one. He is fat and cute. He is murder on my allergies though, the kids too. Sometimes our allergies act up even when we take Benedryl. I don't know...
It's Friday. It is a beautiful day. It is over 70 degrees outside today. I have been optimistic the last few days. I like it. Ideas have been flooding through my brain. I try to write something everyday. I rode by some woods today and saw some tents. The homeless people are branching out or maybe there are more that have come to the area. On the other side of the street is the original area homeless people had tents in. I joked with my kids saying we are gonna be doing that. Riding by and seeing it again today made me seriously think about actually living outside. I found out that there is a thing called "glamping". It is glamorous camping. I now want to find some land and buy it. I want to get an RV or a trailer or maybe even build a house on the land. My neighbor and I had talked about buying sheds and connecting them to make a small home. There are so many benefits to living that way. The only thing for me is how do we shower and/or use the bathroom. I figure we would just take tub baths, no showers. I can get a generator for electricity. I am really considering this.
I tell myself (fairly often) that I do not believe in ghosts, right? I feel like if I don't believe, I won't see or hear them around me. That proved to not be the case at all! Spirits will make themselves known if they want to be acknowledged. You are at home alone and something falls on the floor.
Dear Journal, This is my first entry. I have so much to talk about, so many to things to say. Where do I even start? I guess I will start with the stuff that is in the front of my brain first. So, there is this girl I have been seeing around. Well, it's a little more than that. I have talked to this girl and I have a superficial relationship with her mother. The girl is a year older than my oldest daughter. The mother is a year or so older than me. Mom has two other children. She has a younger daughter that is about 4 and a 7 month old infant son. On the outside, they appear normal. They have a house and a vehicle. The kids go to school. Mom doesn't work. She doesn't have any visible disabilities. She could be impaired mentally some how and maybe that prevents her from being able to work. I know for sure that the family receives government assistance. I know for sure because we had a conversation about it. I had mentioned having and using food stamps and she related by saying she gets stamps, cash assistance as well as subsidized housing. Shoot! I wish I could get subsidized housing lol.
I am a single mom. I had my first child at the age of 20. Being a parent can be difficult for someone in their 30's, so being only 20 and being a mother was daunting. I was so afraid that I would not be a good mother. The negative thoughts nearly consumed me. On paper, I was an awesome mom. I had a well paying full time job. I was college educated. I had gone out and bought a car a month before giving birth. I signed the lease to an apartment when my daughter was just 11 days old. Life appeared good on the outside. I was on maternity leave for 12 weeks. I enjoyed the time with my baby.
Stepping out of the Closet
I was born in the 80s. I grew up in the 90s. During that time, homosexuality, transgender and/or same sex marriage/relationships were taboo. AIDS was being called the "gay disease". Being gay was a punchline. People used being gay as a way to emasculate a man. Gay was used to describe a man doing anything remotely "feminine". It was socially acceptable back then to use words that are considered slurs today. Gay men and men that liked to wear "womens'" clothing could, and would be assaulted or even murdered. Gender reassignment surgery was known as a sex change and was not openly discussed. Families would be embarrassed to have a homosexual child. Homosexuality was not shown on tv. It was the ULTIMATE sin.
Single Mom Chronicles
I have been a single mother since 2008. I became a double-time single mom in 2015. Two men left me alone to raise two daughters. My children are quite literally my world. I lost my identity when their dads decided to leave. As I write, my only identity is being a mother. I have no social life. I have no boyfriend. Taking care of my children consumes me. I have to work to make ends meet. I still fall short. It was (and still is) suggested that I get a second job. I continue to refuse. If I am always at a job, when will I see my children? When I am away, they miss me and I miss them.
Hometown Heroes Too...
"Hometown hero, hero of mine; Save me, save us...shine. You don't wear a cape like superman; I'm still a fan and follow you avidly. Lemons given out by life is our new norm, but true to form, you never changed: extending your hand, using your name. We all lift you up and aspire to the same..."
We all have hopes and dreams. There are things we want and goals we want to attain. It seems like we all get tripped up by the same thing: “where do I start?” The when can be an issue too. People tend to make excuses; I know I did. “I don’t know where to start”, “I don’t have the time/money”. I have a couple philosophies that I live by: “Every time you leave the house is an opportunity”. An old friend said that to me, and I held on to it. Now it can be interpreted many ways. When we leave our house, who knows who we may meet. Meeting people leads to developing relationships. Those relationships are also connections. Maybe you take it to mean when you leave the house, you should look good. Looking good usually leads to feeling good. When you feel good, you tend to make better choices. Those better choices, in turn lead to better outcomes. You see that positive chain of reactions? Another philosophy I try to live by and have even instilled in my daughters is: “you can’t control how people act, but you CAN control how you REact. Pretty self-explanatory right? People are gonna be who they are. They are gonna do what they do. Sometimes, the things people do don’t align with our goals or feelings. Now, you could get upset, angry or sad about it, right? Or, hear me out, you could accept said actions and change how you interact going forward. It is far less energy consuming to go through life this way. Don’t you agree? Now think about some people in your life whose actions made you feel a “not so good” way. Write down their names. Ok, now write down beside each name, the feeling they gave you. Could you have changed your actions in any of those situations to get a better outcome? Write down what you could have done differently with each person in each situation. These are situations that have already passed, and I wish I had a time machine, but I do not. So, we can't change anything unfortunately. We are gonna go into situations with these people and others with a different mindset and different actions. GO US! We ‘bout to be out here creating better situations for ourselves in order to protect our energy! Another set of words I live by: “some bridges are burned to prevent us from going back to places we don’t need to be”. In other words, we try to hold on to things or people that are no longer good for or beneficial to us. For whatever reason, we can’t walk away on our own, so the universe gives us a little help. Does the thought of burning or burned bridges make you think of any of the people from your list? If not, awesome! If so, why? Do you think you should separate from him/her/them? Something to really think about.
Panties: Deal or No Deal?
We are still in the throes of a pandemic. It seems we are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel though. *throws confetti* People are getting vaccinated, places are opening back up at full capacity and kids are getting back into school buildings. A large number of people are still unemployed. I am a single mother. I have two Amazing daughters. Life (and covid) happened causing me to lose my job. Naturally, I filed for unemployment benefits. I received two consecutive payments. After that, the payment status changed to "on hold". The reason listed was "unresolved issues". I'm like "OK, maybe my former employer is reporting that I am still employed there". I call my former job and ask if I am still listed as employed. After a couple transfers and a brief hold, I am given my exact termination date. Of course, no one ever answers at any of the four numbers listed for my states unemployment office. After that, I had the good idea to file my taxes and live off of my refund while I wait for my unemployment issues to be sorted out. I also apply to at LEAST 5 jobs a day. This is a requirement I set for myself. Indeed is my best friend. So, in summary: I have no job, no unemployment benefits, 2 children to feed/care for and the rent moratorium is about to expire. Remember, I said I was gonna file my taxes? Well, I did and they were rejected! They were rejected not once, not twice, but SIX TIMES!! I know right. *sigh* Apparently, someone used my youngest daughters SSN. At this point, I am convinced that Punk'd is back on the air and I'm being featured on the first episode because , seriously? I mean...SERIOUSLY?!? A friend of mine that is familiar with taxes and the IRS tells me to file my returns by mail. I follow her directions to the letter. Fast forward 3 months, and still no money. No letters or phone calls from the IRS. I guess all government offices read from the same customer service text book because they are hard as hell to get on the phone. Bills are still piling up as all this occurs, mind you. Thank goodness I get food stamps. My children always have food. Stimulus checks drop. *BALLIN* Three thousand in back rent, $700 in back car payments, and $350 car insurance. Bye-bye stimulus! I held on to about $1500 to live on. I am still getting nowhere with the government about my taxes and unemployment and no jobs are calling.