Everyday Junglist
Bio
Practicing mage of the natural sciences (Ph.D. micro/mol bio), Thought middle manager, Everyday Junglist, Boulderer, Cat lover, No tie shoelace user, Humorist, Argan oil aficionado. Occasional LinkedIn & Facebook user
Stories (562/0)
Local Man From Last Year Surprised To Find His Pizza Not Delivered By Artificial Intelligence Powered Drone
Local man Todd Stevens was shocked and surprised when the large pepperoni pizza he had ordered from the local Dominos was delivered to his door by a normal human driving a beat up Ford Taurus, and not dropped on his stoop by a gleaming artificial intelligence powered drone. “I could have sworn last year they said drones were going to be delivering food at the very least, by now. And I know I read that artificial intelligence was on the brink of complete control of the entire planet’s computer systems. Unless that dude who delivered my pizza was a bio-organic replicant synthesized to look exactly like high school dropout Bill Sapowski, there was no artificial intelligence involved in the delivery. I am also fairly certain his beat up Ford Taurus was not a quantum computer generated holographic representation of an autonomous robo-drone. Damn, that’s a disappointment. It does appear that America did finally collapse however, Dominos is still in business.” Todd then stuffed an entire slice of pizza in his mouth and began to cry.
By Everyday Junglist5 months ago in Poets
Club Drug User Bemoans Abundance of Street Drug Users at Area Rave
Moments before slipping into a deep and blissful 4 hour k-hole, the result of his recent consumption of a large quantity of the club drug ketamine, still agitated but rapidly chilling local club drug user Ted Stephens complained loudly about the abundance of street drug users crowding the scene at an area rave yesterday. “These damn druggies are everywhere. It’s getting so a guy can’t walk five feet without bumping into some wild eyed meth head trying to talk your ear off about some dumb shit that makes no sense.” he said, his eyelids slowly closing as he spoke. “I mean I like coke as much as the next guy, but crack is whack bro, and the less said about dope (heroin) the better.” said Mr. Stephens, the last word coming out badly slurred before he fell to the ground with a look of profound transcendence, and copious amounts of drool, on his face.
By Everyday Junglist5 months ago in Poets
Preamble to the Constitution of the United Vegetables of the Refrigerator Crisper
Author’s note: A friend challenged me to rewrite the preamble to the US Constitution including the phrase “…in order to form a more perfect onion” which for some reason this friend found particularly hilarious. I thought it was kind of cute too and decided to accept the challenge. It was actually fairly difficult but I do like what I managed to come up with. Is it poetry? Probably not. Is it 600+ words? Definitely not, therefore it is poetry.
By Everyday Junglist5 months ago in Poets
Grappling with Myself
"Wait, what? You are going to fight yourself? In a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu match?" Steve asked, the puzzlement and confusion evident in his voice. "I've got to hand it to you buddy, it is one of the most interesting of the dumbest ideas I have ever heard, so at least its got that going for it." I gave my friend a look of disapproval and sighed loudly in exasperation before replying "First, I am going to grapple, not fight. We do not fight in BJJ, we grapple. Fighting is what happens on the streets amongst rival gangs, grappling is what happens in the gym on the mat between honorable opponents. Second, I will not be grappling with myself, I will be grappling with my concept of myself, my concept of identity." The look on Steve's face gave away his obvious confusion, and that look grew even more confused the longer he considered the idea. It was a reaction I was very much used to from almost everyone whenever I opened my mouth, but most especially from Steve. I loved the guy but he was a bit of a dullard. That, combined with the fact of my own insanity which led me to say, think, and do crazy things on a fairly regular basis would often leave Steve in a greatly confused state. But, one of the things I really liked about him was his generally sunny and optimistic outlook and I was not surprised at all when I saw his look of bewilderment slowly replaced by a smile which was shortly thereafter followed by a soft laugh.
By Everyday Junglist5 months ago in Fiction
Fake News Headline Challenge
When it comes to fake news headlines, The Onion remains the undisputed heavyweight champion. Of course I am referring to The Onion in its heyday, back when it still had a hard copy print edition that actually could be delivered to your door or purchased from newstands or paperboxes in large cities around the country (mostly the northeast). Yes, that is how old I am. What remains of The Onion, theonion.com is mostly a sad reminder of those halcyon days of yore. They still sell merchandise featuring some of the classics, but the headlines and stories they crank out today are a far cry from the brilliant, biting, satire and wit of their early to middle years. Of course, it could just be I am too old now to appreciate the humor. In any case, selecting the best of them is really an impossible task. There are just too many to choose from. However, for purposes of this challenge, which is to come up with the best The Onion style fake news headline, I am going to list three of my all time favorites, starting with my absolute favorite first.
By Everyday Junglist5 months ago in Humor
Jesus Saves at Temple Market
Jesus Christ, lord and savior to tens of millions of Christians worldwide, reportedly saved big at the temple market during his last shopping trip there. Though he has been permanently banned from the market for disrupting business by violently turning over money changer's tables during previous visits he still shops there regularly in disguise. The son of God saved close to fifteen percent off of regular prices on fish heads, mulled wine, and bread loaves by buying them from the clearance rack at the back of the temple and not near the front entrance where they are generally found at much higher prices. After leaveing the store with almost 100 drachma remaining from his budget of 200 dinar Jesus was reportedly quite pleased with how much he had saved saying the following "They say give to Ceaser what is Ceaser's and give to God what is God's. Oh wait, I mean, I say that, or, I said that. Not sure exactly where I was going with that, but man did I save big today. I mean I saved a lot. Nice!" With that Jesus bowed his head, turned and walked away.
By Everyday Junglist6 months ago in Humor
Deevolutionary Theory Proponents Point to Tennessee as Evidence
In a vigorous debate with evolutionary theorists this week, proponents of the competing theory of deevolution argued that the makeup of the current human population of Tennessee clearly supports the claims made by their theory, while at the same time standing in direct opposition to what traditional evolutionary theory would predict. Dr. Stephen Wandsworth a leading deevolutionary theorist said the following in a prepared statement at the close of the debate. "Our thorough analysis of both the phenotypic (appearance based) and genotypic (DNA sequence based) makeup of the current human population of Tennessee has vindicated deevolutionary theorists claims and laid bare the great weaknesses inherent in traditional evolutionary theory. For example, evolutionary theory claims that living beings continually improve themselves over time through the process of natural selection, with only the strongest and most well adapted surviving to reproduce another generation. They refer to this as survival of the fittest. In contrast, deevolutionary theory presents a competing hypothesis we call survival of the fattest. Deevolutionary theory and survival of the fattest predicts that only the most overweight, out of shape, and irresponsible will reproduce in high enough numbers to continue another generation. The current human population of Tennessee which features an overabundance of overweight, morbidly obese, and totally out of shape persons is clear evidence that survival of the fattest is the more accurate. On the genetic level we are seeing a reduction in both the total number of functional coding genes and a significant increase in single nucleotide polymorphisms (SNPs) and other mutations across large portions of the genome triggering serious and damaging changes in protein structure and function. As a result the physical appearance of the average Tennessee human has degraded significantly. Tennessee humans are now shorter, have lower IQs, less teeth, more diseases, and fewer boyfriend/girlfriend prospects than at any time since records have been kept. Yet, they continue to reproduce at a rapid clip and the level of irresponsible sexual matings between Tennesse males and females inlcuding out of wedlock, cousin and even brother sister pairings are at their highest levels ever. This is not something one would expect if evolutionary theory were an accurate representation of reality, deevolutionary theory however, predicts exactly these results. Both theories indidcate that superfluous organs and structures will be selected out over time however they differ greatly in terms of the importance each gives to various organ systems and structures. If evolutionary theory were correct Tennessee humans should have healthy teeth, and stand and walk upright with a straight gate, but instead we see a majority with very few teeth left, standing hunched over and favoring a sloping limping shuffle. When it comes to mate selection evolutionary theory and deevolutionary theory also differ greatly. Evolutionary theory argues that the female looks to reproduce with only the most fit males ensuring that her genes will be successfully carried on to the next generation. In contrast in deevolutionary theory a female looks to reproduce with males that will carry her jeans to the laundromat or buy her a pair of jeans or wear jean shorts. It is patently obvious that deevolutiary theory is more correct given the makeup of the current human population of Tennessee in which almost 9 out of 10 persons where jean shorts for the majority of days of every year. Given all the data it seems clear that at least when it comes to the human population of Tennessee, evolutionary theory is simply not correct. Deevolutionary theory, on the other hand, has been totally vindicated. The question we need to answer next is if Tennessee is but an outlier, or if other states will also show deevolutionary theory to have superior explanatory power. There are a few obvious cases, Kentucky and Alabama come to mind, but what we do not yet understand is which theory will prevail in more mainstream states like Ohio and Virginia. No matter, the results we have obtained so far represent nothing less than a paradigm shift in our understanding of human evpolution and deevolution." Ironically both theories share the distinction of being not believed in by 99% of the humans of Tennessee.
By Everyday Junglist6 months ago in Humor
Preamble to the Constitution of the United Vegetables of the Refrigerator Crisper
Author’s note: A friend challenged me to rewrite the preamble to the US Constitution including the phrase “…in order to form a more perfect onion” which for some reason this friend found particularly hilarious. I thought it was kind of cute too and decided to accept the challenge. It was actually fairly difficult but I do like what I managed to come up with.
By Everyday Junglist6 months ago in Humor
Local Nerd Shocked to Discover He is in Love with a Girl Who Has Never Seen a Single Star Wars Movie
Local nerd Ted Stephens was reportedly shocked and in disbelief when he realized that he was madly in love with his coworker, local girl (Melissa Thompson) who has never seen a single Star Wars movie. Ted said of the cosmically improbable event "I had a suspicion that Melissa was not a huge Star Wars fan on our very first date when I busted out three classic Yoda quotes to which she barely reacted. The first time was when she was talking about how difficult it had been for her when she moved to the US from oversees. She used the example of how she had learned the metric system in her homeland, but that it was totally different from the English systenm of measurements we use in the states. After she had finished and fell silent for just a moment waiting for me to reply I said, you must unlearn what you have learned, in my best Yoda voice. It was perfectly timed and oh so appropriate, but she barely smiled. Instead she just gazed off into the distance, her almond shaped eyes aglow with a fire that illuminated the dimly lit room where we sat like a sliver of moonlight. Her pouty lips glistened, and raven black, silky smooth hair cascaded over her perfectly formed shoulders like a river made of purest ebony. The second time was when she was describing her struggles to advance at Compford & Sons, the office where we work. She complained that the significant impact of her work was constantly overlooked even though she was trying as hard as she could to impress her boss and coworkers. As she spoke, the look of desperation on her face was reflected in her pale blue eyes, and my heart melted. In that moment, her beaty was beyond imagining, and, even though it was tinged with sadness, it took my breath away. It almost left me speechless, fortunately, I quickly recovered my senses, and remembered yet another classic Yoda quote which addressed the situation she currently faced. So, once again, in my pitch perfect Yoda voice I simply said, do or do not, there is no try. Bam. That was spot on awesome, but agin she just shrugged and continued on saying that she was not sure she was capable of doing what needed to be done, and that she was questioning her own belief in herself. For a gorgeous woman of such stunning grace to feel such self doubt angered and saddened me in equal measure. Luckily, for the third time in less then fifteen minutes, Yoda's words of wisdom came into my mind. I knew they could be of some consolation to her so when I spoke, it was in a quiet tone, but again in Yoda voice, that is why you fail, was all I said. Awesome stuff, right? I mean I could not have story boarded it out any better. It just goes to show you how the philosophy of the Jedi is so applicable and useful even in our own galaxy, and not just a galaxy far, far away. Anyways, Melissa did not seem as impressed as I thought for sure she would be and that was when she told me she had never seen a single Star Wars movie then excused herself to use the ladies room. As she stood to leave I noticed the smoothness of her skin, her delicate hands, and shapely legs and I think that was the moment I fell in love with her. But, clearly she was no Star Wars fan, so how could I be in love with her? It just did not seem possible, and yet, my feelings could not be denied. Love works in mysterious ways I guess. I waited there at the table for a good ten minutes completely dumbfounded, heart pounding in my chest, barely able to think or move, but she never came back so finally I paid the check got up and went home and watched the entire original Star Wars trilogy alone for the fifth time this year."
By Everyday Junglist6 months ago in Humor
The Hallucinogenic Mushroom Industry Needs to Take Food Safety Seriously
Hallucinogenic mushrooms are now legal in California and poised to become legal in Colorado in 2024. The details of both laws appear to be substantially similar. Each considers hallucinogenic mushrooms as therapeutic drugs and allows for their cultivation, possession, and distribution as thearupeutic agents. In a strange, logic defying twist, neither allows for their advertisement or sale. Those activities both remain illegal. It appears that many in California have chosen to ignore that particular aspect of the law as hallucinogenic mushrooms can be found and ordered with relative ease online, and the sellers are using sophisticated marketing and slick packaging that certainly look a lot like advertising. I have no desire to debate the merits or demerits of the state laws and will leave it to others to decide who may or may not be breaking them, and with what practices. Meanwhile, hallucinogenic mushrooms, like all hallucinogens, remain illegal at the federal level, and you can be arrested and go to jail for a significantly long period of time if caught growing, distributing, or even just possessing small quantities of them. I think it is fair to say the feds and the states disagree on this question, and I am fairly certain there are many in the federal government who view the laws in California and Colorado as direct challenges to their authority, and potentially dangerous. Both of those beliefs are likely incorrect, however, they are genuinely believed, and thus the feds will be looking for any angle to stop or at least slow down the hallucinogenic mushroom movement in any way it can. If they cannot do so through the usual law enforcement channels another option would be through the federal regulatory agencies with law enforcement authority, this includes the US Food and Drug Administration (FDA).
By Everyday Junglist6 months ago in Feast
Raverstrike Attack
Damn you Elyria, where in the seven hells are you. I need you.... now. Baj's mind raced as he tried desperately to find a way out out his current predicament. The creature he faced had hurt him badly. He was cut in at least ten places, one of which was a very serious deep slash wound to the calf that had nearly taken off his right foot. That wound was bleeding so much it had already caused him to slip twice, and had almost cost him his life the last time he lost his footing. He knew he was outmatched. The creature, known as a raverstrike was a favorite assassin of the Gods and possessed divine strength, speed, and stamina. His expert level hand to hand combat and weapons skills, obtained through years of torturous training at the academy, were all that had kept him alive this long. However, he knew they would not be enough to defeat the raver, only his Goddess could save him now. That thought caused his fury to rise and he screamed and cursed even as he watched his life's blood drain from him. The raverstrike looked at Baj with its large black eyes which had rolled forward in their deeply recessed sockets on each side of its vaguely horse like head. Long arms protruded from each side of its massive seven foot tall well muscled trunk. Each ended in a single razor sharp curved claw, both of which were soaked in Baj's blood. That blood dripped down slowly toward the ground from along the length of each claw and the creature's long tongue protruded outward to lap it up out of the sky as it fell. It was a grotesque sight and when it spoke the tone of it hurt Baj's ears and caused his head to ache and his heart to freeze in his chest. "Your bitch Goddess can't save you human. Loki himself has ordered your death, and I am here to see that his will is done." As it spoke it moved slowly toward Baj maneuvering to within striking distance of its claws, raising one giant arm to throw the killing blow. It was so close now that Baj could feel the heat emanating from the monsters body like a furnace.
By Everyday Junglist6 months ago in Fiction
Paradigm Rift
Thomas Kuhn first coined the terms paradigm and paradigm shift in The Structure of Scientific Revolutions, one of the most important books in the history and philosophy of science. Paradigms are shared worldviews that structure the way science is done. They are broad in scope, impacting many aspects of a given scientific discipline or many disciplines. They function for a very long time (i.e. generations) and never change overnight or even in a year. Despite their modern usage, in their original conception they were solely applicable to the natural sciences. There are no paradigms or paradigm shifts in business, nor in technology, or in anything else. Paradigm shifts happen when over time a “sufficient number of anomalies are identified, which lead to the replacement of one paradigm by another."
By Everyday Junglist6 months ago in Fiction