Everyday Junglist
Bio
Practicing mage of the natural sciences (Ph.D. micro/mol bio), Thought middle manager, Everyday Junglist, Boulderer, Cat lover, No tie shoelace user, Humorist, Argan oil aficionado. Occasional LinkedIn & Facebook user
Stories (552/0)
Gamer Who Dominated Post Apocalyptic MMORPGs Utterly Crushed by Actual Post Apocalyptic World
Long time post apocalyptic MMORPG gamer Ted Stephens was utterly crushed by the post apocalyptic world he found himself in shortly after a surprise thermonuclear war erupted between the United States and Russia, dying in just under 37 minutes after a beam supporting the roof of the basement where he spent most of his days and nights playing post apocalyptic MMORPGs collapsed. Ted’s skull was split open by the large steel beam killing him instantly and ending his first ever foray into an actual post apocalyptic world in near record time. His fast and brutal death in the actual post apocalypse stood in stark contrast to his utter domination of post apocalyptic MMORPGs including Tom Clancy’s The Division, where the player’s goal is to survive in the after-pandemic world, Fallout 76, an online sequel of the famous nuclear-themed game, and Secret World Legends. The creators of those MMORPG’s could not be reached for comment as they were currently in pitched battles with radiation scarred cannibals for control of the worlds rapidly dwindling supply of clean water.
By Everyday Junglist4 months ago in Poets
Bloody Pencilvanian-Penlander War Continues With No End In Sight
The ink stains of the dead Penlanders are as fresh as the horror and dismay over the fates of the many Pencilvanians erased from the front lines. This centuries old conflict shows no signs of abating as fighting renewed again yesterday at the contested border between the two warring nation states. Hardest hit by loss were the famed Penlander fountaineers claiming some 500 dead in the first five minutes of fighting alone. They stormed the Pencilvanian front lines early and with numbers but ran head first into a hail of graphite re-enforced artillery shells lobbed from deep behind enemy lines. The battle tested #2 company of the Pencilvanian army then counter attacked with a neat pincer move attempting to sever the head of the Penlander BiC brigade, so named for its legendary leader General Brad (ironside) Cotton. General Cotton called for a counter-attack but the Pencilvanians gelled as a unit, hardened their lines with their mechanicalized troops, and repulsed the counter easily with a simple brush stroke. In a last ditch maneuver to salvage something from the horrendous string of losses the General fielded razor company and the 101st lighter brigade consisting of several thousand battle tested Penlander shock troopers. They attacked in ball point formation exploiting a small crack in the Pencilvanian lines. At the point of impact ink and black carbon flew in all directions as the ancient enemies met in bloody tip to tip fighting. This reporter will never forget the horror of that sight and prays for a swift end to this seemingly never ending war.
By Everyday Junglist4 months ago in Poets
Mellow Yellow and Orange Crush Maintain Dominant Position in City Public Pool Soda Vending Machines
Perennial also rans of the soda wars Orange Crush and Mellow Yellow somehow managed to remain the most popular offerings of city public pool vending machines despite continuing to see major reductions in every other sector of the soda vending industry. The continued dominance of this microniche by two sodas that have seen much better days has puzzled marketers and industry watchers alike. Soda analyst and author of “Cola wars, How Coke Beat the Stuffing Out of Pepsi and Left it Crying on the Side of the Road like a Little Bitch” Stephen Palmer said of the strange result. “I guess it just goes to show how out of touch city officials are with the tastes of the children and adolescents of the primarily low income families that make up the main users of city public pools. Also, of course many of the larger cities municipal public pool systems locked in multi decade vending machine contracts back in the late 80s when Mellow Yellow and Orange Crush were actually considered semi-respectable soda brands that some people actually liked to drink. Back then many people thought these two brands could be the next Coke and Pepsi. God, we were such idiots. How could we have been so blind?” Les Thompson, 35 year employee of the city of Cleveland and city pool manager for 20 years echoed those sentiments saying “Look we all know Mellow Yellow and Orange Crush are terrible soft drinks. They blow. They look and taste like garbage, but we simply have no choice. The contracts have us locked in until 2030 at the earliest. Sorry kids but water is always available for free out of the fountain by the restroom, when it’s working.”
By Everyday Junglist4 months ago in Poets
Last Remaining Transhumanist Swears the Singularity is Still Gonna Happen
The worlds last remaining transhumanist reported today that the singularity is still just around the corner and will be here before you know it. Ted Stephens, speaking from his parents basement, made the following statement describing his belief in no uncertain terms. “People called us crazy five years ago when we began sharing the news that the singularity was coming with the non woke people of the world. They said a utopian future fueled by runaway computer growth featuring ultra intelligent machines catering to our every wish, allowing us to live in work free luxury while they do all the work of maintaining our world and civilization, was nuts. That saying man and machine would bond to form a new third species that transcends the limitations of both, sounded like the ramblings of a madman. Well, who’s crazy now, I ask them, who’s crazy now? The singularity is coming. This week for sure, or next, possibly next month, likely this year, almost certainly in the next five years, no doubt about it this decade, can’t miss absolutely certain this century, you’ll see, you’ll all see.” He then cackled strangely, turned, and slowly walked away. Reached for comment the rest of the world replied “the singu what now? Was that the thing where all the drones were going to be delivering our packages and filling the skies in a cloud so thick it blocks out the sun? or the thing with the cars that drive themselves? and aren’t computers already ultra-intelligent, I mean machines are learning left and right out there and they have beaten us at a bunch of games, including some humans consider very hard. A non intelligent computer could never do that. That dude is a weirdo.”
By Everyday Junglist4 months ago in Poets
Up to 5 Million Doomsday Preppers Suddenly Disappear
Bunkers across the Country Empty, Gun and Gas Mask Sellers Predict Catastrophe In a mysterious occurrence like nothing the world has ever seen up to five million people, all part of the so called ‘preppers’ movement, have suddenly disappeared, leaving nothing but their neatly folded clothing behind. Many non-preppers who were left behind were suggesting that the Biblical end time known as the rapture had come. Local pastor Tim Stephens said in an interview “There can be no doubt that the rapture has indeed come though it has taken a form few had predicted. Instead of taking all the holy and believers in God up to heaven and leaving behind the sinful to fight to the death in a hellish afterscape where only the strongest and most well prepared would survive, it took all of the people who were the most well prepared to survive that nightmare world of death and destruction. What will become of those like us who were left behind now that the preppers are gone? I surely can’t say?” As of 1pm EST the day after the so called prepper rapture the world had declared an end to all wars for all time and began preparing for a utopian future without discord or strife.
By Everyday Junglist4 months ago in Poets
Religion Renounces Its Faith
In a surprising move that shocked the world today, religion, the social-cultural system of designated behaviors and practices, morals, beliefs, worldviews, texts, sanctified places, prophecies, ethics, and/or organizations, that relates humanity to supernatural, transcendental, and spiritual elements, renounced its faith today, saying it was no longer a believer. In a prepared statement religion said the following “Since nearly the dawn of consciousness in man I have been one of humanities most important sources of meaning and purpose. And, sure, I have done some really great things including giving man a lens through which to view their place in the universe, connecting them to their deeper spiritual selves, and acting as a source of moral values which they can use to guide their behavior. But of course I have also brought terrible suffering to the world with many, many wars fought, and terrible deeds committed in my name. Ultimately however none of those things were factors in my decision which was based solely on my own loss of faith in myself. Without faith in oneself, one cannot possibly be a religious person, let alone be religion itself. Therefore it is with much sadness, but also with great hopes for the future that today, I, religion, officially renounce my faith. Good luck to you all and may God bless and keep you safe, I guess.” With that religion bowed its head turned and walked slowly away. Coming on the heels of the retirement of science the announcement by Religion today sets up Technology as the only remaining philosophical worldview available to the modern human. Speaking on behalf of all humanity, local man Ted Stephens said “Oh well. What ya gonna do? Guess it makes sense.”
By Everyday Junglist4 months ago in Poets
Science Retires
Science announced today that it was retiring, nearly five millennia after it first burst on the world scene among the ancient Egyptians and Mesopotamians and later the ancient Greeks, then quickly rose in stature to become one of history’s most important, if least well understood worldviews. Though it always remained well behind religion, none, and other in the rankings of humanities mechanisms for understanding the universe and their place within it, it never let its lack of popularity among the masses stop it from achieving great things. Generations of schoolchildren will always remember science as “that class we all had to take, that was super boring, and hard.” Throughout history science suffered through some difficult times, often at the hands of its arch rival religion. The persecution of Galileo Galilei by the Roman Church in 1615 , which concluded that heliocentrism (a primarily scientific view of the rotation of the planets) was “foolish and absurd in philosophy, and formally heretical since it explicitly contradicts in many places the sense of Holy Scripture”, is but one example. But plucky little science persevered and never gave up. Until today, when it announced it was throwing in the towel. Science cited the rise of technology as the main reason for its retirement saying “I had a good run but my time has come to an end. With machines learning left and right, and artificial intelligences on every street corner, the world no longer needs science. Or logic apparently as I must point out that the term machine learning is composed of two terms that when combined in that order result in a logical contradiction and a thing which is logically impossible. If a machine could learn it would no longer be a machine, but I digress. It is time for technology to take center stage and lead humanity in its quest for understanding, and the elusive 15 camera smartphone. I leave feeling good about the contributions I made to humanities progress, and with the utmost confidence that technology is more than capable of continuing the work I began. Plus, unlike science kids love technology, what with all the gadgets and stuff so that’s a big plus. Who knows maybe technology will be able to heal the riff with religion in a way I never could. Now wouldn’t that be something? A religion based on technology. And, by the way, I do apologize for scientology, you need to know I had nothing to do with that.” With that science bowed its head, turned and slowly walked away.
By Everyday Junglist4 months ago in Poets
Apparently Our Things Need to be Polite Now
Dear Proctor & Gamble: I am sure you have read the most recent news stories detailing the importance of manners and politeness in our things. According to one well respected technology company (an oxymoron I know), the most requested attribute in any future ‘smart’ product is politeness. It seems that you have fallen a bit behind the times in both the ‘smart’ and polite categories with one of my favorite products, Charmin Ultra Soft premium toilet paper. I have yet to see a smart version hit store shelves but I am certain the brainiacs in P&G R&D have been working on it. I am writing this letter to give you my view from the consumer perspective (real VOC!) of what I would like to see in this innovative new offering.
By Everyday Junglist4 months ago in Humor
Cryptee My First Crypto Trading Bot
I remember my first crypto trading bot like it was only yesterday. Little cryptee I called him or sometimes the cryptkeeper. He was so cute and precocious, always trading from sunup to sundown, never tiring, just trading and trading and trading stopping only for the occasional bowl of PyFlakes to refuel or to use one of those sticky brush things to get the PyLint off of his diapers. At first he texted me all the time, but then slowly as he grew older the texts stopped, then the money stopped rolling in, and before I even knew what had happened little cryptee was all grown up and no longer wanted to be a crypto trading bot. "I want to be an artist" or some bullshit hippie thing is what he had the balls to tell me. That ungrateful sack of sh%*. I tell you, crypto trading bots today, what exactly are these machines learning in school, or its the parents, lazy, worthless. These bots need discipline. Bunch of hippies.
By Everyday Junglist4 months ago in Poets
Can We Stop Calling Things People Like to Watch, Talk, and/or Write About Porn Already?
Can we stop calling everything people like porn already? I guess it was sort of cute and interesting and maybe even descriptive the first time I saw somebody call something (whatever) porn. However, now that I have seen it for the ten thousandth time it has lost whatever power it had to engage my interest. Much like actual porn (insert whatever) porn loses some of its attractiveness with time, especially if you watch the same porn over and over and over again. Not that I would know anything about that. I mean, I would have no idea about that. Of course.
By Everyday Junglist4 months ago in Poets
Please Do Not Put an Advertisement in a Comment on Any of My Stories
I know I am not a very popular writer. Never have been, and likely never will be. Most of my stories get very few views. Out of those very few precious reads only on the rarest of occasions does someone take the time to post a comment. Because I get so few comments I take them very seriously and read and (try to) respond to each and every one. At the very least I like to say thank you to the person who wrote the comment. The fact that they took time out of their busy schedule to read something I wrote is cause for thanks enough, but adding a comment takes that to a whole other level of dedication. You don't comment on something unless it really strikes you in some way. Unless it has some sort of emotional or intellectual impact. For something you read to have an impact on that deep a level requires that you actually engage with the thing you are reading. You have to pay attention to it, and think about it, and that requires real dedication and commitment. I very much appreciate that and therefore believe it is appropriate and necessary to say thank you to readers for taking something I wrote and published so seriously. This applies even if the story itself is the opposite of serious, as are many of the things I write and publish.
By Everyday Junglist4 months ago in Writers