Everyday Junglist
Bio
Practicing mage of the natural sciences (Ph.D. micro/mol bio), Thought middle manager, Everyday Junglist, Boulderer, Cat lover, No tie shoelace user, Humorist, Argan oil aficionado. Occasional LinkedIn & Facebook user
Stories (553/0)
Please Do Not Put an Advertisement in a Comment on Any of My Stories
I know I am not a very popular writer. Never have been, and likely never will be. Most of my stories get very few views. Out of those very few precious reads only on the rarest of occasions does someone take the time to post a comment. Because I get so few comments I take them very seriously and read and (try to) respond to each and every one. At the very least I like to say thank you to the person who wrote the comment. The fact that they took time out of their busy schedule to read something I wrote is cause for thanks enough, but adding a comment takes that to a whole other level of dedication. You don't comment on something unless it really strikes you in some way. Unless it has some sort of emotional or intellectual impact. For something you read to have an impact on that deep a level requires that you actually engage with the thing you are reading. You have to pay attention to it, and think about it, and that requires real dedication and commitment. I very much appreciate that and therefore believe it is appropriate and necessary to say thank you to readers for taking something I wrote and published so seriously. This applies even if the story itself is the opposite of serious, as are many of the things I write and publish.
By Everyday Junglist5 months ago in Writers
Twilight Zone Resident Surprised to Find Everything Perfectly Normal
Long time resident of the Twilight Zone farmer Bill Moss reported that he was very surprised to find nothing out of the ordinary in his barn after he noticed strange flickering lights coming from inside it for most of the previous night. In an interview that day he said "Typically if I were to see strange flashing lights all night in the barn and then go check on it the next day I could expect to find any number of strange or unusual phenomenon. For example, I might discover that the lights were actually the flashing signal beacons of a vanguard fleet of miniature sized aliens training to invade the earth. I would have to spend the entire day battling those little buggers to clear them out of my barn. Alternatively I might find that the lights were actually the energy signature of a trans-dimensional time rift which had flung a recently deceased Civil War soldier through time and space to end up confused and alone in my barn. I would just think he was an everyday civil war soldier time traveler until the very end, when I would realize he had actually died. At that point I would have to figure out a way to break the news to him and help him find his way to the afterlife. A third possibility could be the lights were the afterglow of the rocket engines of a ship piloted by an astronaut from an alternate earth who had somehow slipped through an interdimensional hole in space to end up crashing right next to my barn. He would be desperately searching for his loved ones calling any and every number he had, but in each case not finding the person he was looking for, but instead someone eerily similar, but not actually the same, as that person. Yep, it could have been any one of those things, or a million others, but instead I discovered that their was a single flickering light bulb on the edge of burning out that was responsible for the whole thing. Mystery solved, and just in time too, I heard ultra intelligent aliens had just arrived on Earth claiming they will cure all human diseases and usher in a Utopian age. They even carry a book around with them called, To Serve Man. Can you believe that? They must really like us for some reason."
By Everyday Junglist5 months ago in Poets
Future Black Slime in Refrigerator Crisper Purchased at Local Grocery
Future black slime in the refrigerator crisper, currently known as green onions, were purchased at a local grocery today by neighborhood resident Ted Stephens. “I’m making Pad Thai for my girlfriend for dinner tonight and need the green onions for a garnish and to give a little color to the dish” he said when asked about his decision to purchase the future pile of oozing black mush at the bottom of his refrigerator vegetable crisper. Despite a very poor track record of using any green vegetable purchased for any meal Mr. Stephens suggested this time would be differing saying “look, I know I don’t exactly have a reputation as the biggest vegetable fan, and I have, on occasion, left a head of broccoli or lettuce in the crisper for over a month, throwing them away only when the smell from the slowly putrefying sludge like black mass became too much to bear. But, this time is going to be different. I swear. Besides, onions aren’t really a vegetable, ? They're a fruit right? You know I don't actually know.”
By Everyday Junglist5 months ago in Poets
Local Man From Last Year Surprised To Find His Pizza Not Delivered By Artificial Intelligence Powered Drone
Local man Todd Stevens was shocked and surprised when the large pepperoni pizza he had ordered from the local Dominos was delivered to his door by a normal human driving a beat up Ford Taurus, and not dropped on his stoop by a gleaming artificial intelligence powered drone. “I could have sworn last year they said drones were going to be delivering food at the very least, by now. And I know I read that artificial intelligence was on the brink of complete control of the entire planet’s computer systems. Unless that dude who delivered my pizza was a bio-organic replicant synthesized to look exactly like high school dropout Bill Sapowski, there was no artificial intelligence involved in the delivery. I am also fairly certain his beat up Ford Taurus was not a quantum computer generated holographic representation of an autonomous robo-drone. Damn, that’s a disappointment. It does appear that America did finally collapse however, Dominos is still in business.” Todd then stuffed an entire slice of pizza in his mouth and began to cry.
By Everyday Junglist5 months ago in Poets
Club Drug User Bemoans Abundance of Street Drug Users at Area Rave
Moments before slipping into a deep and blissful 4 hour k-hole, the result of his recent consumption of a large quantity of the club drug ketamine, still agitated but rapidly chilling local club drug user Ted Stephens complained loudly about the abundance of street drug users crowding the scene at an area rave yesterday. “These damn druggies are everywhere. It’s getting so a guy can’t walk five feet without bumping into some wild eyed meth head trying to talk your ear off about some dumb shit that makes no sense.” he said, his eyelids slowly closing as he spoke. “I mean I like coke as much as the next guy, but crack is whack bro, and the less said about dope (heroin) the better.” said Mr. Stephens, the last word coming out badly slurred before he fell to the ground with a look of profound transcendence, and copious amounts of drool, on his face.
By Everyday Junglist5 months ago in Poets
Preamble to the Constitution of the United Vegetables of the Refrigerator Crisper
Author’s note: A friend challenged me to rewrite the preamble to the US Constitution including the phrase “…in order to form a more perfect onion” which for some reason this friend found particularly hilarious. I thought it was kind of cute too and decided to accept the challenge. It was actually fairly difficult but I do like what I managed to come up with. Is it poetry? Probably not. Is it 600+ words? Definitely not, therefore it is poetry.
By Everyday Junglist5 months ago in Poets
Grappling with Myself
"Wait, what? You are going to fight yourself? In a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu match?" Steve asked, the puzzlement and confusion evident in his voice. "I've got to hand it to you buddy, it is one of the most interesting of the dumbest ideas I have ever heard, so at least its got that going for it." I gave my friend a look of disapproval and sighed loudly in exasperation before replying "First, I am going to grapple, not fight. We do not fight in BJJ, we grapple. Fighting is what happens on the streets amongst rival gangs, grappling is what happens in the gym on the mat between honorable opponents. Second, I will not be grappling with myself, I will be grappling with my concept of myself, my concept of identity." The look on Steve's face gave away his obvious confusion, and that look grew even more confused the longer he considered the idea. It was a reaction I was very much used to from almost everyone whenever I opened my mouth, but most especially from Steve. I loved the guy but he was a bit of a dullard. That, combined with the fact of my own insanity which led me to say, think, and do crazy things on a fairly regular basis would often leave Steve in a greatly confused state. But, one of the things I really liked about him was his generally sunny and optimistic outlook and I was not surprised at all when I saw his look of bewilderment slowly replaced by a smile which was shortly thereafter followed by a soft laugh.
By Everyday Junglist5 months ago in Fiction
Fake News Headline Challenge
When it comes to fake news headlines, The Onion remains the undisputed heavyweight champion. Of course I am referring to The Onion in its heyday, back when it still had a hard copy print edition that actually could be delivered to your door or purchased from newstands or paperboxes in large cities around the country (mostly the northeast). Yes, that is how old I am. What remains of The Onion, theonion.com is mostly a sad reminder of those halcyon days of yore. They still sell merchandise featuring some of the classics, but the headlines and stories they crank out today are a far cry from the brilliant, biting, satire and wit of their early to middle years. Of course, it could just be I am too old now to appreciate the humor. In any case, selecting the best of them is really an impossible task. There are just too many to choose from. However, for purposes of this challenge, which is to come up with the best The Onion style fake news headline, I am going to list three of my all time favorites, starting with my absolute favorite first.
By Everyday Junglist5 months ago in Humor
Jesus Saves at Temple Market
Jesus Christ, lord and savior to tens of millions of Christians worldwide, reportedly saved big at the temple market during his last shopping trip there. Though he has been permanently banned from the market for disrupting business by violently turning over money changer's tables during previous visits he still shops there regularly in disguise. The son of God saved close to fifteen percent off of regular prices on fish heads, mulled wine, and bread loaves by buying them from the clearance rack at the back of the temple and not near the front entrance where they are generally found at much higher prices. After leaveing the store with almost 100 drachma remaining from his budget of 200 dinar Jesus was reportedly quite pleased with how much he had saved saying the following "They say give to Ceaser what is Ceaser's and give to God what is God's. Oh wait, I mean, I say that, or, I said that. Not sure exactly where I was going with that, but man did I save big today. I mean I saved a lot. Nice!" With that Jesus bowed his head, turned and walked away.
By Everyday Junglist5 months ago in Humor
Deevolutionary Theory Proponents Point to Tennessee as Evidence
In a vigorous debate with evolutionary theorists this week, proponents of the competing theory of deevolution argued that the makeup of the current human population of Tennessee clearly supports the claims made by their theory, while at the same time standing in direct opposition to what traditional evolutionary theory would predict. Dr. Stephen Wandsworth a leading deevolutionary theorist said the following in a prepared statement at the close of the debate. "Our thorough analysis of both the phenotypic (appearance based) and genotypic (DNA sequence based) makeup of the current human population of Tennessee has vindicated deevolutionary theorists claims and laid bare the great weaknesses inherent in traditional evolutionary theory. For example, evolutionary theory claims that living beings continually improve themselves over time through the process of natural selection, with only the strongest and most well adapted surviving to reproduce another generation. They refer to this as survival of the fittest. In contrast, deevolutionary theory presents a competing hypothesis we call survival of the fattest. Deevolutionary theory and survival of the fattest predicts that only the most overweight, out of shape, and irresponsible will reproduce in high enough numbers to continue another generation. The current human population of Tennessee which features an overabundance of overweight, morbidly obese, and totally out of shape persons is clear evidence that survival of the fattest is the more accurate. On the genetic level we are seeing a reduction in both the total number of functional coding genes and a significant increase in single nucleotide polymorphisms (SNPs) and other mutations across large portions of the genome triggering serious and damaging changes in protein structure and function. As a result the physical appearance of the average Tennessee human has degraded significantly. Tennessee humans are now shorter, have lower IQs, less teeth, more diseases, and fewer boyfriend/girlfriend prospects than at any time since records have been kept. Yet, they continue to reproduce at a rapid clip and the level of irresponsible sexual matings between Tennesse males and females inlcuding out of wedlock, cousin and even brother sister pairings are at their highest levels ever. This is not something one would expect if evolutionary theory were an accurate representation of reality, deevolutionary theory however, predicts exactly these results. Both theories indidcate that superfluous organs and structures will be selected out over time however they differ greatly in terms of the importance each gives to various organ systems and structures. If evolutionary theory were correct Tennessee humans should have healthy teeth, and stand and walk upright with a straight gate, but instead we see a majority with very few teeth left, standing hunched over and favoring a sloping limping shuffle. When it comes to mate selection evolutionary theory and deevolutionary theory also differ greatly. Evolutionary theory argues that the female looks to reproduce with only the most fit males ensuring that her genes will be successfully carried on to the next generation. In contrast in deevolutionary theory a female looks to reproduce with males that will carry her jeans to the laundromat or buy her a pair of jeans or wear jean shorts. It is patently obvious that deevolutiary theory is more correct given the makeup of the current human population of Tennessee in which almost 9 out of 10 persons where jean shorts for the majority of days of every year. Given all the data it seems clear that at least when it comes to the human population of Tennessee, evolutionary theory is simply not correct. Deevolutionary theory, on the other hand, has been totally vindicated. The question we need to answer next is if Tennessee is but an outlier, or if other states will also show deevolutionary theory to have superior explanatory power. There are a few obvious cases, Kentucky and Alabama come to mind, but what we do not yet understand is which theory will prevail in more mainstream states like Ohio and Virginia. No matter, the results we have obtained so far represent nothing less than a paradigm shift in our understanding of human evpolution and deevolution." Ironically both theories share the distinction of being not believed in by 99% of the humans of Tennessee.
By Everyday Junglist5 months ago in Humor
Preamble to the Constitution of the United Vegetables of the Refrigerator Crisper
Author’s note: A friend challenged me to rewrite the preamble to the US Constitution including the phrase “…in order to form a more perfect onion” which for some reason this friend found particularly hilarious. I thought it was kind of cute too and decided to accept the challenge. It was actually fairly difficult but I do like what I managed to come up with.
By Everyday Junglist5 months ago in Humor
Local Nerd Shocked to Discover He is in Love with a Girl Who Has Never Seen a Single Star Wars Movie
Local nerd Ted Stephens was reportedly shocked and in disbelief when he realized that he was madly in love with his coworker, local girl (Melissa Thompson) who has never seen a single Star Wars movie. Ted said of the cosmically improbable event "I had a suspicion that Melissa was not a huge Star Wars fan on our very first date when I busted out three classic Yoda quotes to which she barely reacted. The first time was when she was talking about how difficult it had been for her when she moved to the US from oversees. She used the example of how she had learned the metric system in her homeland, but that it was totally different from the English systenm of measurements we use in the states. After she had finished and fell silent for just a moment waiting for me to reply I said, you must unlearn what you have learned, in my best Yoda voice. It was perfectly timed and oh so appropriate, but she barely smiled. Instead she just gazed off into the distance, her almond shaped eyes aglow with a fire that illuminated the dimly lit room where we sat like a sliver of moonlight. Her pouty lips glistened, and raven black, silky smooth hair cascaded over her perfectly formed shoulders like a river made of purest ebony. The second time was when she was describing her struggles to advance at Compford & Sons, the office where we work. She complained that the significant impact of her work was constantly overlooked even though she was trying as hard as she could to impress her boss and coworkers. As she spoke, the look of desperation on her face was reflected in her pale blue eyes, and my heart melted. In that moment, her beaty was beyond imagining, and, even though it was tinged with sadness, it took my breath away. It almost left me speechless, fortunately, I quickly recovered my senses, and remembered yet another classic Yoda quote which addressed the situation she currently faced. So, once again, in my pitch perfect Yoda voice I simply said, do or do not, there is no try. Bam. That was spot on awesome, but agin she just shrugged and continued on saying that she was not sure she was capable of doing what needed to be done, and that she was questioning her own belief in herself. For a gorgeous woman of such stunning grace to feel such self doubt angered and saddened me in equal measure. Luckily, for the third time in less then fifteen minutes, Yoda's words of wisdom came into my mind. I knew they could be of some consolation to her so when I spoke, it was in a quiet tone, but again in Yoda voice, that is why you fail, was all I said. Awesome stuff, right? I mean I could not have story boarded it out any better. It just goes to show you how the philosophy of the Jedi is so applicable and useful even in our own galaxy, and not just a galaxy far, far away. Anyways, Melissa did not seem as impressed as I thought for sure she would be and that was when she told me she had never seen a single Star Wars movie then excused herself to use the ladies room. As she stood to leave I noticed the smoothness of her skin, her delicate hands, and shapely legs and I think that was the moment I fell in love with her. But, clearly she was no Star Wars fan, so how could I be in love with her? It just did not seem possible, and yet, my feelings could not be denied. Love works in mysterious ways I guess. I waited there at the table for a good ten minutes completely dumbfounded, heart pounding in my chest, barely able to think or move, but she never came back so finally I paid the check got up and went home and watched the entire original Star Wars trilogy alone for the fifth time this year."
By Everyday Junglist5 months ago in Humor