What It's Like To Not Have A Voice

It's hard for a survivor witness those who do our significant others wrong. Makes us feel like we have no voice left. We begin to think and feel like are we really survivors? Don't you dare say anything, I feel like our voices are taken from us just woman but a man's to.

Most people ask me the common questions how does a survivor remember they have a voice? We don't remember when someone tries to silence us. I think what's hard is having our voices taken away.

All we want is to be heard, it's hard to explain the feelings I want to share.

When my abuser was still alive he took so much away from me. That includes gaslighting me. He was controlling so much so, he told me how to act. I think this is harder because I never liked being told what to do.

Even with a great husband encouraging in and giving me advice I have that sentiment don't tell me what to do attitude. And that's harder because you see I never once had a choice. Not until recently. I feel like now for the first time in my life I have a choice.

This is probably the hardest article I ever wrote, because I know it's not supposed to be like this.

I think the hardest thing, is coming across as a bitch to survivors. I know we all have our own issues in life.

But how can anyone say your greedy for eating good food and not sharing. Yes if I wanted to I would share with you, but I don't until I can't eat no more. Or you I want your food give it to me now.

This is happened to me so many times, I don't want to share with anyone until they show me kindness.

After everything that has happened today and yesterday I feel defeated right now.

I feel like Norma Herr has invisible bars around it that makes me feel like nowhere in that place is good. With a new roommate who is a pill head I feel like nothing is mine right now. Two hundred fifty women most unhinged, most troubled, and very few are having it together. Not even the staff have it together and if you ask me they all need therapy.

There is no air conditioning in Arby's guess the machine is broken but I'm not complaining its not to hot, not to cold. I've been in hotter with that's more comfy then Ohio weather.

Everyone I know in the short time I have been here when I mention Norma Herr Women's Shelter around this area it's infamous. When I looked at the building immediately I got bad vibes.

Now I think the hardest part for me is trying to survive this mentally. I think there was a reason why Norma Herr who the shelter was named after left a quote, "I was in pain on Payne."

It's teh feeling of not being heard, being triggered, and rumors floating of Herr dying in the shelter when it was still a psych ward. The energy filled at that building is sometimes to intense for me. I stay out as long as possible until I can't no more. By the time I go upstairs to my room I am so emotionally dried.

"I was in pain on Payne." Was her last quote she wrote. I find that very deep inside, the power of those words is deep and sad.

So if you are survivor and someone makes you feel like you have no voice don't be afraid to speak up.