It is not just a matter of feeling sad; discover an honest view of the mental, emotional and physical toll of clinical depression.
Well... my depression has gotten worse... It just seems to me that every time when my depression got lighter, I seem to get bothered and bogged down by things so easily which got me into depression again. So, I am feeling depressed again.
Prior to the stay in place order from our governor in NC, I was hanging out with my friends and preparing for one of my friend's weddings and then the world stopped. Except it didn't.
I can remember the first time I had an anxiety attack. I didn’t understand what was happening. I was at a Halloween dance at school. I stopped breathing. I stopped feeling. I dropped to the floor. I was surrounded by my friends. They were trying to reassure me that I was fine. I couldn’t stop crying. The school nurse was called to take my vitals and check me out. I was going through a pretty rough time. My great- uncle Arthur had just died a few months before this. I was close to him. I watched him take his last breath. I was devastated for months. Nobody tells you that losing someone that close to you can send you into a very dark and lonely place. I dealt with anxiety daily, never really knowing what the sharp pains in my ears and chest were. Never knowing why I would lose my breath so randomly. Nor why I had to constantly by tapping my fingers or drown my thoughts with loud music.
Needless to say, this year has been a clustercuss of unforseen and unwaranted events all wrapped up with a mask and a bottle of Purell sanitizer. For some it has included self isolation, baking endless amounts of vegan banana bread recipes found on instagram, and contstant work and/or personal zoom calls. For a lot of us, it has meant that that monster, tamed and tucked far away in the attic, by the name of depression has decided to come back down and make itself evident yet again. It has caused a fury of picking up of pieces, controling anxiety, and yet again, taming the monster and tucking it tamely back in the attic.
Spike Milligan's legacy as a writer, comedian, and mental health advocate, is - by anyone's standards - impressive. You can't overlook the contributions of Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, and Michael Bentine, but Milligan - most admit - was the anarchic driving force behind the groundbreaking 'The Goon Show', which first hit the airways in 1951.
My depression is just really bad now. It doesn't matter if today is Thanksgiving, the depression is still there. Well.. I think the best thing that has happened so far is that Joe Biden has got elected as the President of the United States. That is pretty cool because we can all put the Trump era behind us. There will be new faces, new ideas and new things coming up, which is pretty cool. That is something great that has happened in the midst of all these darkness. It's a ray of sunshine. I'm glad that America has voted for Joe Biden instead of Trump. Even though Trump has received an overwhelming amount of support, he still lost in the end, which is good. That's one thing I feel happy about because it's great to see some new and great people in the white house. Like what Joe Biden said, America is back.
We’ve all seen the memes. Clinical depression is good for a laugh nowadays. I love jokes, and at times, I especially appreciate dark humor. At the right time, with the right delivery, dark topics can be taken lightly, and it’s healthy to have a laugh at yourself sometimes.
Rant I do not know why today is one of 'those days' for me. Let's start with what I should be happy and excited about the most. My fiance's birthday is today, and we have plans to move into our new house. Another grateful milestone that I accomplished this year and with the love of my life. Our lives have been far from perfect, and I plan on documenting it all. Maybe the words will heal me. Honestly, I am thinking of my mother. My cousin just lost his mother, and I feel for the pain he is experiencing. My lupus has put me down for weeks.
Shaking, shivering, it’s not cold, what’s happening to me? My heart races trying to drive out of my chest. My leg bounces up and down about 100 beats per minute. My breathing speeds up, choking on each breath. I try to calm down but I can’t, I can't stop this feeling. Looking around the room my vision is blurred but I can make out the shape of a desk with a monitor on it showing a colorful screen saver to the right of me. A window behind it with the blinds halfway down just enough to block out the sun but still let light in. Next to it, I see many inspirational posters, one saying “ Hang in there!” with a picture of a cat hanging onto a branch, cute, but not right now. I’m sitting at a large table with multiple chairs around it one containing my mother. She’s looking at me with a confused, concerned, glare. I see her face out of the corner of my eye while I blankly stare at the neutral party in the room, lets call her V, V goes on about the process that we’re going through right now. My mom continues to glare at me during the silence, I look down afraid of what she might say to me. V finished typing as the phone starts to ring, she answers, she then says “We’ll be right out” She hangs up then gesture toward the door.
I can give a few facts and stats about anxiety and depression, but I think anyone can look those up on Google. Instead, I choose to relate my own experience, in case it could help someone with similar experiences.
You're living life to the fullest and one day it all stops. The breaks are slammed and everything changes. You ask yourself a ton of questions and thoughts run through your mind as to why. What happened? Why me? Why can't I get up out of bed? Why is that things that I used to care about and enjoy just seem to be chores and lost thoughts? Why is it that I'm so sad, moody, making plans just to break them? Why do I feel so dead inside and why am I crying so much? Why don't I care about the way I look or even have the strength to take a shower? All these things crossed my mind over and over again for years. I had no idea what happened to me. Where did my spunk go? Why is this cloud over my head? Why and more why's were running through my mind what was left of it at the time. I really tought I had lost mind.
The clinical definition states, "a mental disorder characterized by moods and loss of interest affecting everyday life for most."