My will isn't strong. It isn't powerful. It's just always there. My will is a thread. Barely keeping me alive. But that's all that's needed. There's no celebration when you beat depression. There's no medal. No reward. You just go back to living. All you get from fighting depression is pain and scars. There isn't a silver lining. You don't come out stronger. You come out different. Broken, damaged, weakened. You might heal. You might not. No one cares except, sometimes, those close to you. There's no fame or glory for winning. You just get to live. But that doesn't change the fact that willpower isn't a cable. It's a thread. Unbreakable. Invincible thread.
I never really understood depression.
I would like to start off with saying that this is nothing more than a personal experience. Something that was painful to write and open up about. I believe that with things like depression it is so important to be deeply honest. I wrote this as a form of self healing and I'm sharing it in the hope that i can show an insight into how hard day to day life can be when you are plagued with depression. By sharing and talking about things you take away the power which isolates you in them.
I have a real issue with depression being termed a mental illness… wait, let me finish… because sometimes depression isn’t depression. Sometimes it’s a normal and natural state of being and by calling this depression we are labelling a whole group of people as mentally ill when in fact they’re perfectly well.
I had just been discharged from the hospital following a bladder biopsy and got home feeling ‘really tired and sad’. This was expected, I had been in the hospital the whole day (8am -8pm). A usually straightforward biopsy had ended with a catheter and having to give countless urine samples after the catheter was removed. It was a nightmare! The next morning, I woke up and I was still feeling ‘really tired’, it had never taken this long for me to get back to ‘normal’ after a biopsy. I struggled to leave the bed, to shower and get breakfast from downstairs. At this point, I still had pain, but it wasn’t a top priority for me. I made it through day 1, spending most of it in bed (didn’t watch any movies etc) I just laid there. I went to sleep with the hopes that day 2 would be a better day.
I am convinced that hell does not exist, well at least not as an entity outside of ourselves. Whether there is life after death, that remains to be determined, however I emphatically believe that a merciful and just God would not allow for the existence of a place that could be more dreadful and painful than our own mind, more specifically our memories. Oh memories, like the corners of my mind, yeah…. memories like the deepest, smelliest, hottest corners of hell. Don’t get me wrong, memories can bring smiles to our faces, joy to our hearts and calmness to a racing mind, but boy oh boy, on the flipside, memories can stagnate you, cause tears to roll down your face at the most inopportune moments, memories, the cause of insomnia, the cause of depression, crippling anxiety and so many other unpleasant things.
Hello there. I am going to be sharing a few stories here on mental health and today I will be starting with my own personal MH relation being: Depression. I know lots of us struggle with depression, and I know a lot of us don't know how to cope with it. Hell, even when we do know it can still be a struggle.
That feeling the you get when you're sitting alone in the dark. It wells up in you. Choking... Constricting... You can't breathe, but you keep it to yourself not wanting anyone to know. Its the voices in your head telling you; you're not good enough... You're not strong... You can't handle this... Its something everyone deals with, but nobody talks about.
The test results weren't concise. I might have not followed the instructions strictly or I was simply destined to fail a process that consists urinating on a stick but the words were there: "You might be pregnant. Repeat the process". What do you mean I might be pregnant? Did I just kind of pass the test? Am I going to have to repeat what I have just done for the first time - and hated?
“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” - Laurell K. Hamilton