Surviving PTSD

I don't remember a lot of my childhood. At first, I just thought I had bad anger issues. All of my friends thought I was a very happy human being, because that is how I acted. Pretending that I was happy all of the time was just making me exhausted. The more tired I got the more I just did not care anymore. Being the always-happy, always-smiling girl was killing me now I'm just really angry. It makes sense that I am angry. In another universe my window is open and I'm lying on the floor. I am three years old and nothing bad has happened to me yet.

It took me a really long time to realize that I havent lost who I am, I'm just different now and thats okay. I still greive the person who I used to be and I think a part of me always will. I guess I am just better at living with it now. I still feel the same, it is just a little bit less intense now. I can eat and sometimes I can sleep. It's the not sleeping that gets to you the most. If I sleep for too long the nightmares come. I lost faith in the world a really long time ago.

I take care of myself. I don't talk about my diganosis. A part of me knows that if others find out, based on my age and gender you can tell what happened to me. It's obvious I wasn't in a war. I know that they are other ways of getting PTSD, I just really don't want others to know why I have it. It feels to personal. When I was first diagnosed I felt relief. Why I was thinking the way I am and how I react to certain things. For a while I thought that only veterans could get ptsd. It's a confusing diganosis. Whenever I tell someone or even think about it I get nervous that they are going to ask me why I have it or what trauma happened to me.

When I was a small child I would wake up screaming I wanna go home. I don't remember any of this. It was extremely concerning to my family because I was home but I never really felt like I was at home. I have a lot of anger when it comes to going home. Do you have any idea how many times someone should have helped me. I know that I shouldn't think like that. People tell me that I should just get over it but how can someone get over something like that. I was a child when it all started. My cousin just tells me that I am going to have to learn how to deal with it.

I deal with it by not allowed myself to slow down. When I am not asleep, I am constantly doing something. Sometimes I just want to give up and lay in bed. I know that I can not do that. When I am all alone I feel like I will start to feel everything again. I don't allow myself to cry because if I do I don't think I will me able to stop my tears. I feel alone, like i'm fighting this war all by myself. I do not think I can keep living the way I am. I need to rest, I deserve that. I need to sleep. I need a break. I do not think I have taken a break since I was 18. I think it's time I take one.