Living with Domestic Abuse

Yes, Domestic Abuse is happening, and it’s happening everywhere in the world, in cities and towns, in the countryside, even in your street.

Domestic abuse is happening all over, and most of us aren’t seeing it.

When it comes to abuse of any kind, most of us are blind to the truth because we cannot see it, even when it is obvious.

Would you know what to do if you witnessed abuse in the mall or in your local grocery store? Or would you choose to walk away?

Most people do.

Sure, I get it. In this world there is so much trauma that we just want to shut the door. Stay out of it and keep scrolling on our devices.

Domestic abuse, also called “domestic violence” or “intimate partner violence,” can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.

Definition Source: https://www.un.org/en/coronavirus/what-is-domestic-abuse

Domestic abuse happens inside the home most of the time, and because we don’t see it directly, we turn away in the hope it will stop.

It doesn’t stop and the signs are there.

Domestic abuse can happen to anyone regardless of sexual orientation, religion, race, age, or gender.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, free and confidential support is available 24/7 for individuals of all genders, gender identities, and sexual orientations.

• In the U.S.: Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1–800–799-SAFE (7233), text “START” to 88788, or chat online at TheHotline.org.

• Internationally: Find inclusive local help, crisis lines, and emergency support worldwide through Find A Helpline or the global safety directory Hot Peach Pages.

Domestic Abuse signs in adults

Emotional and Behavioral changes

Walking on eggshells. Monitoring and observing everything that could trigger an angry reaction from the abusive partner.

Withdrawn and quiet person. Someone who constantly apologizes for everything. Withdrawn and quiet. Suddenly had no self-confidence but was outgoing and chatty previously.

Hyper-anxious about time. Keeps checking the time and making excuses about needing to go home for reasons that seem strange.

Social Isolation

Cutting Ties with friends and social networks. This is someone who suddenly withdraws from activities they used to do.

Monitored Communication. Having their emails, phone and devices controlled and checked by the abusive partner.

Controlled Movements. Having a partner who always drops off and insists on picking up even when it’s not needed.

Financial and Practical Control

No access to money. All transactions are paid by the abusive partner, including grocery shopping and personal items such as sanitary products as a woman.

Struggling financially. A person who is suddenly in debt but shouldn’t be. Someone who is having their wages taken away by the abusive partner.

Interfering in work or study. Someone who is always running late or leaves early. Someone who suddenly quits studying something they enjoyed previously for no reason. Someone suddenly goes missing without a reason.

Hidden physical or styling changes

Inconsistent clothing. Someone who is wearing long sleeves in hot weather or sunglasses when it is dark. Someone who is wearing heavy makeup to hide bruises.

Dictated appearance. A sudden shift in appearance that you know doesn’t fit with your friend’s personality. Bleached hair or change in hair color. Wearing high heels even though they cannot walk in the shoes. Anything that is a strange change in character.

These are all examples of someone who may be manipulated into being someone they’re not.

Domestic Abuse affects children too. I know because I was that child and it’s hard to live in a house where abuse is everyday life.

Domestic Abuse signs in Children

Issues in school or trouble learning.

Aggressive behavior or bullying other kids or being bullied.

Sudden changes in behavior such as becoming withdrawn or unsettled and frustrated to minor things.

Abuse of drugs or alcohol

Regular sickness such as colds, headaches, and stomach aches.

Ambivalent feelings towards both the abuser and the non-abusing parent.

Anxiety, depression, or suicidal thoughts.

Easily startled or seem on edge.

Fear of leaving home.

Nightmares or insomnia.

Withdrawal or struggles with separation.

Difficulty identifying feelings or communicating needs.

Difficulty developing positive relationships with peers.

This list tells the truth of a young person who is struggling both mentally and physically. I know it because I displayed all of these in my childhood and nobody saw me. I was screaming for help.

Together we can stop Abuse.

In the United States, 35.6% of women and 28.5% of men are affected by domestic abuse during their lifetime. That is a huge amount of people.

Too many.

1.2 million people in the US call the domestic abuse hotline (1)800.799 every year. It’s estimated that over ten million people are affected by Domestic abuse every year.

Most people who are affected by domestic abuse suffer in silence because asking for help is unthinkable. Few people escape from it and start again. There are always reasons for victims choosing to stay, and often, children are amid it.

Some victims may choose to stay in an abusive relationship for fear of “rocking the boat.” There could be financial reasons where the abuser is the bread winner and has a good social standing in society. Feeling shame is another reason why people choose to stay silent.

This is why I write. As a trauma survivor, I write for those who are in impossible situations to hear me when I say that there is another way. Life is too short to be suffered in silence. I know because I was the person who did just that.

For years, I suffered and slowly I was guided towards people who had the power to help me when I had lost all hope.

All you need to do is to take one step. Ask for help from someone you trust or call the domestic abuse helpline.

How do you help someone who is a victim of Abuse?

When someone opens about domestic abuse, it can be hard to know how to help. The most important way to help a victim is to listen. Believe and support.

Listen

Create a safe place where you can sit and talk without being disturbed away from prying eyes. The victim is likely going to cry and become distressed so if you have a box of tissues and a glass of water, this can help.

Let them speak. Do not interrupt and let them speak no matter how long it takes. This moment might be the only time the victim has shared something deeply personal with you, so make it count. If they pause for a while, sit in the silence and let the words come at their pace. You don’t need to fill the silence. Expect pauses and know they are there because sharing is tough.

Keep focus on them. It’s totally normal to want to share your thoughts but try not to. It’s better for the victim to get their words out without you sharing your experiences as if they aren’t suffering at all.

Stay calm. Gentle and reassuring responses are much better than reactive words and language.

Listen for signs that they may be at risk of imminent harm. If the victim is in danger of imminent threat, then you will need to act and reach out for help. Don’t be afraid of calling 911 if you feel this way. You might be saving a life.

Believe

Respond with empathy and trust can make the victim feel valued and empowered. Words like: “Thanks for sharing this with me,” can mean so much to someone who has suffered in silence.

Hear them. Don’t feel like you must ask leading questions and investigate. This can lead to further emotional pain for the victim.

Use supportive language. It’s important that you show the victim that their situation is not their fault. Don’t ask questions that could place blame. The victim has gone through enough.

Support

Ask what they need. This is more helpful than taking charge of the situation. By asking them what they need in that moment, you are empowering them to act on their feelings. Be patient because this might be hard. It might be the first time a victim has been asked to think about themselves.

Let them choose what happens next. The victim might not be ready to act straight away. Recognize that they’ve made a huge step forward in confiding to you. Don’t push them into acting before they are ready.

Help them find support if they want it. If they ask for support, you can offer to help them through it. Together, you might discover courses of action that they never knew they had. This can be an eye opener and might need some time. Don’t push them to act unless they are ready to.

Continue to check in. A simple message over the weekend of a few words to check in on them can help so much. It’s knowing that they can trust you, even on a Sunday evening or during a holiday.

If you are suffering abusive from a partner, you should know that your life matters. Those feelings of dread and shame after an incident are in your head. Don’t doubt that inner voice telling you what to do. Listen to it and get some help.

Abuse tends to arrive slowly.

When you are undergoing subtle emotional abuse, you don’t know if it’s happening. You are ever so slowly changing to the outside world, but the people closest to you who know you can detect the change.

You feel as if your identity melts away and someone else moves into your head. A darkness takes over your thoughts that you don’t understand. You become someone who you don’t want to be, let alone share with the world. Your whole life becomes an act and living like that is exhausting.

I have come to understand now after years of healing from my childhood that emotional manipulation rewires the brain. For me, it felt like the blinds were shut. I was in constant darkness at home.

I didn’t know who I was growing up in that house of anger and constant shouting and violence. The pain of being hurt at night. The bruises that I had to hide out of sight. The feeling of carrying a dark secret that nobody could understand no matter how much I tried to make someone hear me.

I shrunk myself into someone small and invisible. I couldn’t think or feel without someone controlling me. Including going to the bathroom.

I started planning my escape from my parents when I was twelve when I learned in school about other countries. I imagined them happy places where someone like me could be accepted for who I was. Somewhere I was free from fear, harm and being controlled.

I left my home at eighteen and started building a new life on my terms. With every passing day, I relaxed a little more because nobody came to take me back home.

I began to smile and dress in clothes that I had paid for and chosen to wear. I slowly turned into a happy, optimistic person determined to do good work in the world rather than someone who wanted to die. It wasn’t the real me. I discovered the real me over time and I’m so glad I did.

Domestic abuse leads to Complex PTSD which deeply impacts your ability to interact with people. Domestic abuse is often the result of an extremely close relationship, someone you trusted. When that trust is broken, it takes years to heal.

When you heal, your behavior is strange and you’re processing a lot of anger, shame, and sadness. You need people in your life who will stand by you, even when they don’t understand why you act the way you do.

How can they know if you don’t talk about it?

There must be more discussions about how abuse affects people and our communities. Our world is hurting everywhere. It shouldn’t be inside our homes too.

Take care of yourself as you go through this weekend. Remember that your life matters and there is only one you. Life is precious.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

If you like reading my posts, then please follow me.

For more about me: www.elizabethwoodsauthor.com

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