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INFJ Case Study: Narcissistic Parenting

Moira’s talent as a runner made her a blank canvas that he could project his broken aspirations on, and this projection was the only way that he was capable of showing her care.

By the infj ghostPublished about a year ago 4 min read
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Moira is an INFJ, one of the rarest personality types. Moira’s father Roy is an ISFJ, the most common personality type.

Unbeknownst to anyone for decades, including the therapists he fooled, Roy was also a vulnerable narcissist. Moira would not understand until she grew older how these pieces of his personality played a role in the puzzle of her childhood trauma — here is her story of putting those pieces together.

Coach Caring

Roy became Moira’s running coach when she was 10 years old. He lovingly gave himself the nickname “Coach Caring”, and the other parents and runners on the team referred to him by this title playfully.

Outwardly, he was caring. All of the other runners around Moira’s age were treated like his own children. He believed in them and created consistent, rigid training plans for them.

What all of the other parents did not know was that although Coach was a caring man, the moment that he was no longer in a public sphere, he existed only in a relationship with himself. Moira was emotionally neglected as a consequence.

Roy had always viewed himself as being at the center of the universe. He had low self-esteem and felt like the world was against him. He had dreamed of making it on the Olympic hockey team when he was younger, playing every sport he could get his hands on.

He never made it to the Olympic level, and over the decades developed the habit of replaying this lost dream in his mind frequently. Moira’s talent as a runner made her a blank canvas that he could project his broken aspirations on, and this projection was the only way that he was capable of showing her care.

A Silent Eating Disorder

Because Roy was so narrowly focused on the athletic portion of his daughter’s life, and focused only on himself when they weren’t at the track, Moira’s father failed to teach her about nutrition, spirituality, or any other area of life. Moira developed an overeating disorder as a result that went unnoticed. After all, being a runner meant she was constantly burning off calories, and only when she was running was she being paid any attention to.

Moira reached an early peak in her running career, then plateaued for several years, failing to meet any successful standards. Her silent eating disorder continued to debilitate her.

Roy began to make excuses for Moira's failures. He told his daughter that she was failing because she had a shorter, more stubby build, while all of the other girls were long and lean. There was also the fact that she was a girl, he said, which meant her chances of being a successful athlete weren’t that great after all.

Moira internalized her father’s negative comments and began harming herself in other ways. In addition to overeating, she self-harmed and compared herself to other girls her age on social media, believing herself to be ugly and unworthy of love. She found herself in a downward spiral, jumping between counsellors and therapists.

Tricking the Therapists

One time Moira's father came to therapy with her. He put on the same friendly facade that he always did around other people, and Moira could clearly see that this would prevent her from making progress.

The therapist believed that her father was caring and would change. Having been blindsided by Roy’s facade, the therapist had been unable to notice that Roy was a vulnerable narcissist. Roy promised he would change, that he would no longer put pressure on his daughter to be a perfect runner, so Moira quit running to pursue her love of music.

Though the truth about vulnerable narcissists is that they never change.

Bird in a Cage

When Moira began thriving as a singer, in an area that Roy had never been interested in and thus felt excluded from, Roy felt like something was being taken away from him. He told Moira that the only way he would ever like his daughter again would be if she weren’t so weird and went back to her natural gift of running. Then he could coach her and be a part of her life.

He was jealous that she was beginning to spread her wings, as he himself had never had the chance.

It was difficult for Moira to close the door to the cage of his dreams that he had put her in and fly away to pursue her own, though this turned out to be her only salvation.

Her father ceased financially supporting her and told her that she would either become “a princess or a pauper”. Though through journaling and reminding herself that she had put her true calling on hold for so long to try and receive love and care from her father, she realized that the Defender ISFJ was only interested in defending his own dreams through her.

He was a vulnerable narcissist, and had developed a strange and perverted definition of love. Because his self-esteem was so low, her thriving independently would never make him happy. The only way for Moira to thrive would be to let go, to trust that it is unrealistic to expect a narcissist to change.

She would grow her passion and be loved for her authentic self elsewhere. Even if it meant she would financially struggle for a time, at least she would finally be living a life of her own.

traumatherapyrecoveryfamilydisordercopingaddiction
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About the Creator

the infj ghost

boo!

it's the infj ghost, a friendly phantom exploring the haunts of the infj psyche.

you can expect me to dive into all things infj, as well as to create fictionalized case studies relating to infj development phases.

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