In The End

At the End, I will be alone.

I don't know if I believe in an afterlife, or whatever God or Gods or Higher Power holds judgement over who goes where. If they do exist, I will face them alone. I will be beautiful in my scars, shielded and weighed by my actions and inactions, but I will be alone.

The people I hung out with and the political parties I supported will not be there to defend me. I will not have the excuse of "but I was told to do this!" My actions are my own, and while genuine ignorance may sometimes be an excuse, it is not something to take pride in.

My scars and imperfections will bear witness to my experiences. The times when, like Icarus, I flew too high, dared too much, and paid the price. The marks of growth, and scars I earned in pursuit of a goal. We are none of us perfect, and we don't need to be.

I am weighed down, even now, from the times I looked away from injustice and cruelty, and at the end of all things, I will not be allowed to look away or close my eyes to what I find unpleasant. It does not cease to exist simply because I do not wish to see it, and the choice to turn away instead of reaching out my hand has consequences.

Being only human, perhaps my hypothetical judge will be lenient, and show sympathy. Humans are finite, and can only hold so much at once, and sometimes we must pick and choose what to care about at any given time. We must balance the burdens we choose to carry, and sometimes that means putting some down to retrieve later, when we are rested. I can only hope that if I am judged, they will view me with indulgance.

I am shielded and made glorious by my kindnesses; by my mercies, large and small. By the actions I took, not for recognition or reward, but because they were right. When I spared a moment to help a friend, or stopped to assist a stranger, or to ask if someone needed aid, and to render it if they answered yes.

In all the times I chose to be an example, whether or not anyone followed it, lies my grace. Moments when I did or chose the right thing, even if no-one saw it, is my redemption. People who remember me, and the things I did, are my legacy.

Who we are lies not in the grand gestures when the world was watching, but in the little things that go un-heralded.

When I am gone, the impact of my actions will remain.

When I stand alone, whether my heart is weighed, or I stand before an entity to pass judgement, I will do so secure in the knowledge that I tried my best. If Pre-Destination is actually a thing and nothing I do has any effect on my afterlife, it will still matter to me that I tried my best.

That's all that any of us can do.

Writer's note: I'm ok, I don't need a wellness check or anything. It's just two days before Halloween, and with everything going on in the world I'm feeling my mortality a bit.

Right now, I'm choosing to be kind however I can be. Whether or not it makes a difference after I die, kindness in the moment has a tangible effect now.

Check in on your friends, and acquaintances. Try to notice when someone is struggling, and offer to help how you can. Be kind to yourself, and forgive yourself for not being able to do everything all at once.