If you can go back in time.

I know. Is a very cliché question. If you can go back in time what would you change about yourself?

I use to have this question in the back of my mind whenever I have scramble eggs and coffee. The coffee always remind me that I am older and the scrambles always remind me that I might have high cholesterol. This is one of the question that I personally feel like we need to ask ourselves at least once a month.

Would you tell yourself the winning lottery numbers? Or Maybe you will fix any childhood mistakes? Or confront your bully? Would you try to be one of the popular kids and have everyone like you?

I once told myself, If I can go back in time I would go back to when I was 10 year old and I would tell my self to not worry about what people though of me. To be happy. For a long time I thought if I ever reminded my 10 year old self this then I might have been successful, happy even. That what people use to tell me. In order to be happy you need to be successful. My parents, mostly my dad drill this in head when I was young. He use to say ‘ if you were rich, you wouldn’t have to worry you will be happy’ he still said this. At a young age though, I use to pressure myself to be perfect; have good grades, be polite, be well behave. I use to carry the sun in me so I can shine everywhere. Whenever my parents criticize me or compare me to others I would break down I would burn out the sun I had in me and drown my self until I decide not to hold my breath any longer. I was afraid that if I wasn’t successful like I was told to be I would not be happy.

This went on for years. It got to the point that I didn’t care if I lived or die. I hit a corner in my life where I pushed everyone away from me; purposely suffocated myself with overwhelming thoughts of failure and disappointment. I swallow bottles of emotions just so I can feel something. When that didn’t work I drowned myself with music and stories. I tried my best to get pulled out of this reality and it work, when I needed to go to sleep. Waking up though, it was like trying to dig out of my own grave knowing well that I’ll be bury back in.

I am not going to tell you that I got helped. That with the love and support of my family and friends got me through this difficult time. I didn’t ask for help, I thought it was normal. I did what seem like everyone did, I wear a mask; painted a smiley face on it and then that was it. I am going to tell you that I am 23 years old, unemployed, single still living with my parents and only every obtain a high school diploma. I’m still not happy, But I know I will be one day.

Maybe when I hold my first child in my arms ? Or if I opened my own business and ring up my first customer I’ll find some joy? It could be when I travel to the most beautiful location and drink the finest wine will I feel content? Maybe I don’t do any of those things but one day I wake up and it started to rain. I sit in the couch and read a good book that make me smile and I remind myself ‘ I made it this far’ and find some sort of contentment with it.

Until then I’m going to watch my baby brother grow up. Then find a job or a way to pay my bills. Maybe I’ll annoy my mother because I know it makes my father smile. I'm going smile when I'm sad not because I am wearing a mask with a painted smile face but because I'm here and I know the day will end with me listening to Billie Eilish and reread Pride and Prejudice. I'm okay with this.

If you ever get to the point that you feel like you’re drowning and one one can pull you out. Then ask yourself ‘if I could go back in time what will I change’? Keep asking yourself this question even if you have the same answer keep asking. Ask yourself this question when you’re drinking coffee and eating scramble eggs. Ask you’re self, when you are working a 9 to 5 job or if you are holding your first child or grandchild or a child. Just hold any baby. Ask your self when you are having the worst day or the best day. Then when you get to that point that you can’t find an answer to the question, then ask yourself ‘would you go back in time to change anything? And if your answer is no.

Then you’re going to be okay.

Good luck