I take my depression everywhere

TW: mention of sh/suicide

You know how there’s always that one obnoxious person on every platform or one person in your family that’s like, “Oh you’re depressed? Just go for a walk,” well I’ve heard that my entire life.

But joke’s on them 'cause

I take my depression to my bathroom (about ten steps from my bed), to the bedroom (about ten steps from my bed), to my front door (about twenty five steps from my bed), to the front of the building (about ten steps from my front door), and I go for a nice long jog (about…you get the gist) and when I’m done… I still have this thing telling me that all of these activities I do to keep going are pointless...and so is life.

So, here's proof to why that whole "change of scenery/go for a walk thing" is for the most part, bs.

*I would like to preface this by saying loads of people had dramatic improvement in their emotionss and quality of life by moving out of their toxic households, quitting their horrible job (the one that calls everyone a "family"), or reconnecting with friends, or even gettig more exercise...but we're focusing on people that just wave off depression with a "go for a walk," and why believing depression is completely on the person with depression/is something to be solved with ease, can be harmful. Talking as if it isn't serious or real, is incredibly dangerous*

See, a few years ago (wow, actually it has been over four) I went to France for the first time. I remember feeling both fortunate/blessed and incredibly miserable. There were thoughts of "Paris is the city of love, and you're all alone," to "Your French is actually bad," to "Yo, I wonder if you could get away with going to the top of that and jumping off. You might as well because you're embarrasssing yourself and probably ruining everyone's time." I felt left out while watching my group laugh and take photos with me, and made myself believe they hated me even though in hindsight I realized I had no actual evidence of this. They were kind. My host family was kind (those French stereotypes didn't hit them...it hit many others we encountered, but not them), and I just felt out of place during every activity. Why? Because good ole depression. No matter what, it reminded me that it was there.

We went to Germany and had loads of fun running around. I had some very noteworthy experiences, but at night I still had that weight on my chest. I felt like I diddn't deserve to feel an ounce of happiness or relief.

We were in public transportation twice...just to show us it I guess. It certainly exists there, but we did not utilize it (which was best). So yes, even after all that walking around looking at new sights and snacking on croissants, I found myself with these feelings and thoughts.

I always thought that when I got out of my parent's more then I'd have better mental health . I tried the whole hanging out with friends, going to study lessons downtown to have more freedom (which helped me go on the trips), traveling due to my programs, being in sports/other activities, etc. But, nope. It was still there. No matter how many walks, talks, runs and alone time I had...I still knew I was not okay.

But, my entire life I've heard people tell me and others (via social media, movies, family members) say harmful things about depression and act as though it could be fixed with a simple walk and just moving on with your life. “Don’t be weak”. “Be strong.” “You have too much to worry about for you to be lying in bed depressed.” “Ignore it.” Or my favorite, "It's not real" which just slightly beat, "That's that white people stuff," in reference to depression, going to therapy etc.

So, naturally I stayed away from getting help...even after I was literally placed in a group for kid's that needed to be taken out of class to discuss our feelings. I decided I was either faking it, or just not dealing with something that could be dealt with all by myself if I just focused on running or something else a little more. Causing me to avoid going to that little meeting that I am actually really glad they had in the first place. I mean, how many schools take mental health serious? How many schools prioritize good mental health over a class?

Now I see that I cannot just shrug it off, handle it alone, or go for a walk. Maybe you can, you go try it for yourself if you're so sure...but telling others that that's all they need to do to "get over it" only causes people to go undiagnosed, feel completely alone and broken, and harm themselves for not being to just go for a walk and be better. And don't feel bad if you need more than that walk, I promise you that's alright. Own it.

In one of my next articles (I don't know when I'll want to tackle something so...hard or when my articles will be approved) I'll be talking about things people can do to try to help themselves while acknowledging things aren't so easy to shake off and it takes work, and possibly days of not being able to do anything and that's ok. I will also talk about how to be there for your loved one when you see that they are going through a tough time.

Thank you. Peace.