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I'm Not Okay

My struggle with health lately

By Rene PetersPublished 22 days ago 3 min read
I'm Not Okay by Citizen Soldier

I chose I'm Not Okay for a very specific reason... It's the truth. In the piece, I'm going to be ranting about exactly why I'm not okay. I'll break it up into different sections, multiple mental health because I am broken.

Eating Disorder

I have been struggling really bad for months. At the beginning, I was dealing with binging and purging and didn't know what made me fall back into this habit after not doing it for several years, I think three or four years. I stopped doing that when my throat was so sore that drinking water hurt for an entire week (because of the stomach acid).

Then I turned to starving myself, around the middle of March. It happened pretty gradually and, at first, wasn't completely intentional. When I realized I liked the feeling, it became intentional and more severe. I realized what I have been doing and told my therapist and the dietician I see. The dietician is because I'm on the keto diet for epilepsy, not because of my eating disorder. I also informed my neurologist since she is pretty of my team for the keto diet.

I was talking to a friend who also struggles with an eating disorder and I mentioned the symptoms I've started having more recently, within the last few weeks, and I nearly cried because I know I'll likely be seeing a specialist. I've been dizzy, having trouble thinking, always tired, extremely cold (even when it's 86°F), and afraid to consume food. I've had so little food that my body couldn't stay in ketosis anymore. Of course I told the dietician that because being in ketosis is what makes keto help epilepsy. She basically gave two options... She has a few companies they use send keto meal replacement shakes while I'm working on recovery or I pick up a random type that was donated to the office. That conversation was last week. This came today in the mail...

Photo by author
Photo by author
Photo by author

They are only open because I was on call with my friend and she said, "Let's unbox them together." I panicked at the weight of the first one.

I did try one from the third picture. It tasted good but I made the mistake of looking at the calories in it using the QR code in the box. It made me cry.

Self Harm

I have been struggling with this since I was 12 but went a little over a year clean before struggling got bad again. Luckily, I haven't done anything as "severe" as what I used to do but it still isn't good that I fell back into it. I am currently two weeks clean but my urges have been strong. My therapist is aware of it. When I first started, I was so ashamed that I just showed him my arm and it led to a conversation about it. That included why I was scared to be honest: because a previous therapist was overreactive and called the ambulance for a mental health check.

Suicidal Thoughts

I hadn't had these thoughts in nearly two years. However, over the last few days, I have had a lot of passive suicidal thoughts. What I mean by that is while I have had thoughts like, "I wish I was dead," I have not had thoughts of, "I am going to (insert method) to die." I'm going to break this down into a way I explain it to my mental health team (rather than just "Do you have a plan?")

Thoughts: yes

Ideation: no

Intent: no

I have no way that I would want to, I just want pain to end. There's no intent because I have never had intent without ideation. I have had ideation without intent, just not in this case.

* * *

This is not meant to complain or anything like that. It is my way of coping but also spreading awareness because even when I'm struggling, I like to try to be a mental health advocate.

CONTENT WARNINGtherapyeatingdisorderdepressioncopingaddiction

About the Creator

Rene Peters

I write what I know, usually in the form of poetry. I tend to lean towards mental health, epilepsy, and loss/grieving.

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Comments (4)

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  • Giulia Viti17 days ago

    Sending so much love! I’m really sorry this is a difficult time, and I hope you’re giving yourself grace and I’m glad you have people around who can support you. We love you here, as well!

  • I could totally understand looking at the calories and crying because after 10 years, I've started having my anorexic tendencies again and started doing it. I'm so sorry you've started self harming again. I'm 3 years clean now but I totally understand the urge to do it because I always have that urge. It sucks that you're having suicidal thoughts again. Sending you lots of love and hugs ❤️

  • Sid Aaron Hirji22 days ago

    Hope you feel better. Your writing can help others feel they are not alone

  • I am sorry you are having to go through this and deal with it. The good thing is that it will help others in similar positions to realise they are not the only one. Thank you for sharing and we are all here for you when we can be

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