"How to make peace with the past"

Enough of the past! It's time to return to the present and start building your future. Sometimes, the local spacetime throws unresolved situations at us that have been locked away for years. Other times, past events have taken root in our memories or subconscious, hindering us from moving forward. As you, my readers, have noticed, I've been digging into my past for quite some time. I began writing again when fragments of clarity started linking my present and past selves.

To regain control of my life's reins, I needed to dive into the past until I reached the point of forgetting. I delved back into my late childhood.

The situation back then can be read about in the old post "Encounters are not forgotten, ...." However, things get complicated when you attempt to return "unscathed" from that time. Guilt is a heavy burden for what was done to a person who has become essential today. Whose presence in my world made me brave, and gave me a sense of worthiness, even though I was in a new place, in a new occupation, and in a new environment, not feeling valuable in any way. Understanding that you've been rewarded for your degrading and reckless behavior with kindness and a sense of security, that a "nest" has been created for you to grow and truly become yourself. All of this without even remembering that you once met this person. How do you get over the fact that you've been a jerk?

Forgiveness. It seems somewhat banal, doesn't it? You've been a jerk, and you should start with forgiveness? As absurd as it might sound, that's the case. But to elaborate on this, I'll start with my experience and the process of "forgiving oneself."

The memory didn't come all at once - a piece here, an image there, some strangely significant phrases from that important person. And so, I dug and pieced together the puzzle of my past self. At one point, it felt like I had everything. Every minute of that encounter had been remembered. For a long time, I tormented myself with this guilt because the kindness and attention of that person were utterly incomprehensible, as the support they provided me, and the enormous sense of acceptance I received. It was all somehow very painful and unfair towards them. I wanted to punish myself. I wanted them to throw back at me everything I had done to them back then. It would have been easier. Would it?

I tend to think that it wouldn't have been in line with their nature and the bond that later became so clear to me. It had to be this way, as it was necessary for preparing for The Task. The task that, in completing, I've repeatedly tried to convince myself I've gone mad. But then, the reliefs resulting from these actions appear in the fabric of reality.

When this realization reached me, the learning program kicked in. In other words, what can I learn from all of this that would contribute to my life now and in the future? I began by putting down that meeting in writing. Every minute, every moment, every glance and word. Harshly, like a movie reel from that time, I wrote down the meeting. Sometimes, while analyzing my behavior and, let's face it, comparing it with my current knowledge and attitudes. Repeatedly reading and revising this piece, I saw what I had said before – I was a real jerk back then.

I can't change what I did. Although I'd like to give that teenage girl a smack she'd remember for a long time. But – we can't change the past, we can only reevaluate our attitude towards it. This is where Forgiveness comes into play. Yes, asking for forgiveness too, but first, you must understand your role in all of this and take responsibility for it. Only then can you ask for forgiveness and hope for the change you desire. No, you certainly can't control how the other person perceives it, but you can be sure you've done everything in your power to make amends. How they react to it is deeply up to them. They might continue to hate you, want to punish you, and seek revenge, but they might also have long since forgiven you. Maybe :) Now, you need to find the strength within yourself to forgive the person you were. The person you'd like to punish – but the time for punishment is over. Forgive yourself, because that distant character was you.

In my story, all of this came with harsh lessons and even harsher Tasks to complete. Now it's time to refocus on the present moment. On all the tasks that need to be fulfilled in this spacetime and in the space between dimensions.

My story is unique in its own way and might be incomprehensible to some, but it was necessary for my growth. I've also received questions from people who've played the other role in the past, asking how I forgive those who've wronged me. The process is similar. Write down the situation in all its detail – each circumstance, one by one. Only as many as there are, don't initially link them to each other. Take each story as a separate incident. Analyze your behavior and confront yourself harshly, painfully, but above all, honestly. When you are HONEST, you begin to see your role in all of it. Everything that comes into our lives is invited by us. When we can finally start with writings like these to unravel – why we attract such troubles into our lives, then we can start changing it.

In conclusion, I haven't emerged from this process yet. But unloading these burdens and looking myself straight in the face has been a significant turning point. From here on, that cruel behavior is just a distant memory, and I genuinely hope I can continue to behave as freely or at least as freely as before I recovered my memory, just a year ago. Perhaps I can even remain present in my current place, because for a long time, I felt I didn't deserve to be here, having been very unjust to a person who has since become someone I deeply respect.

That's it for this time :)

On my journey of healing, LoneWolf in all its complexity.

From MARCH 9, 2017

Elle Vihman