How Can I Stop Worrying?

Question: Elaine, I can’t seem to stop worrying, no matter how much I tell myself that things are going to be fine and worrying is silly. I just get myself in a state worrying about possible doom scenarios all the time. Yet I’m in a good job which gives me a comfortable life. How can I stop the worry?

We all worry sometimes. That’s natural, because we want everything to go right. We don’t want anything that gives us too much discomfort or pain. Worry becomes an issue only if it happens too frequently for your emotional health. However, before you can stop worrying so much, you need to understand why you worry.

In essence, worry is often our brain’s attempt to protect us by anticipating future threats or problems, and to make us feel ‘in control’ by pre-empting them and acting upon them. To this end, the most common reasons why we worry are:

1. Detecting potential dangers. In modern life, this often means worrying about finances, relationships, work, or health, even when there’s no immediate physical threat.

2. A sense of control: You might worry because it feels like you’re 'doing something' about a potential problem, even if you’re just thinking and dreading it. There’s the illusion that by worrying, you’re better prepared, or can prevent bad outcomes.

3. Past experiences: If you’ve faced difficult situations in the past, your brain might be more prone to anticipating similar problems, which just leads to increased worry.

4. Uncertainty: We all generally dislike uncertainty. Worry can be a way your mind tries to fill in the blanks, or predict what might happen, even if those predictions are negative.

5. Perfectionism and responsibility: Some people worry more because they feel a strong sense of responsibility, especially for their family and loved ones, or have high standards for themselves, fearing negative consequences if things aren’t perfect.

6. Learned behaviour: If you grew up in an environment where worry was common, you might have learned to cope with stress in a similar way.

In the end, all these reasons are governed by unnecessary FEAR and a focus on PERFECTION.

Lack of Personal Confidence & Trust

For whatever reason, when we lack confidence in ourselves and self-belief, we don’t trust our own actions, otherwise we would not worry about them. Instead we are gradually overtaken by fear - the fear that we are not good enough to cope with life, or with others, especially people we might like; fears that everything will go wrong in a new relationship, and we won’t get our heart’s desires; fear that we won’t have enough money, or achieve what we want. Once fear overtakes us, we cannot stop worrying, and everything seems to be a hassle

When it comes to perfection, we often want the fairy-tale ending so much, we try to control everything we do, believing that we have all the answers. When things do not work out as expected, we tend to feel awful, and worry even more at what might happen next, in a vicious negative circle. Yet, people who try to control their existence too much are always disappointed, because they leave nothing to chance and arrange their life too tightly, which makes them unable to cope with any surprises. They do not take account of Nature’s tragedies, crises, the unexpected, or even their own evolution. Hence why they feel really bad when they reach a certain point and discover that what they hoped for isn’t there.

The real contradiction with constant worrying is that it doesn’t make anything better. It actually paralyses your actions, making you stressed and overwhelmed, which only makes things worse. You would not be doing anything to deal with the situation, just fretting instead!

Successful New Zealand athlete, Glenn Turner, once said: “Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.”

Once you find out the real reasons why you are so lacking in confidence, and why you have little trust in yourself, you will realise that the future is what YOU wish to make of it. It isn’t something that we reach, or move towards, or worry about. It is what we make from today with our own efforts. It just takes a little self-value, self-belief and time!

So How Can You Stop Worrying?

To stop worrying completely might be unrealistic, as it’s a natural human emotion to guard us. However, you can learn to manage it, reduce its intensity, and prevent it from controlling your life, in a few simple strategies:

1. Identify your worries (and their triggers)

   • Start by writing down what you’re worrying about. When does it happen? What were you doing or thinking just before it? This should help you see patterns and separate real problems from imagined ones.

   • Ask yourself: “Is this worry leading to a solution, or is it just making me anxious?”Productive worry leads to action; unproductive worry paralyses your efforts.

2. Schedule some 'Worry Time'

   • Designate a specific 15-20 minute slot each day for worrying. If a worry pops up outside this time, briefly note it down and tell yourself, “I’ll think about this during my worry time.” This trains your brain not to worry constantly.

3. Challenge your thoughts

   • Are your worries based on facts or assumptions? What’s the worst realistic outcome? What’s the best outcome? What’s most likely?

   • How important will this worry be in a week, a month, or a year? Would you tell a friend to worry about this?

   • Remind yourself constantly of your ability to cope by thinking of options:“If this happens, I will do that.” It ahould make you feel more empowered.

4. Practise mindfulness

   • Worry lives in the future, so focus on the present. Mindfulness brings you back to the current moment. Pay attention to your breath, the sounds and sights around you, and the sensations you feel. It keeps you grounded in the now.

   • When you feel overwhelmed, name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This 5-1 action will pull you into your senses more positively.

5. Take action (if possible)

   • If a worry is about something you can control, break down the problem into small, manageable steps and take the first one. Action is the surest antidote to anxiety. If you can’t control it, practise acceptance.

6. Lifestyle adjustments

   • Physical activity is a powerful stress reducer, so try to be as active as possible at these worrying times. Also try to get enough sleep because a lack of sleep can alter your positive moods and heighten your anxiety.

   • Try to avoid excessive caffeine and sugar, which can mimic or worsen anxiety symptoms, and reduce any regular exposure to negative news, or social comparisons which can fuel your worry.

7. Seek support

   • Talk to a trusted friend, family member, or colleague, if the steps above do not work. Sometimes just verbalising your worries can diminish their power.

   • If worry is consistently overwhelming your life, impacting your sleep, work, or relationships, consider reaching out to a mental health professional (therapist, counsellor). They can provide personalised strategies which are highly effective for managing anxiety and worry.

Finally, whenever you feel the need to worry, ask yourself, what is the WORST thing that can happen, then talk yourself through all the possible OPTIONS you have to address the situation. You’ll find that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if your expectations didn’t materialise as you hoped, and you might even see a solution you hadn’t thought of before! Most important, can you remember what you were worrying about, say three months ago? You would have forgotten about it by now.

Things always sort themselves out, with or without your help, which shows the futility of excessive worrying. It leads nowhere, it does nothing for you, except keep you in anxiety and stress, and also prevents you taking any necessary action. Learning to manage worry is a process, not an overnight fix. Be patient and kind to yourself while you are trying the different strategies to find what works best for you.

Remember, this moment is all you are guaranteed and all you are sure of. Make the most of it by changing your mindset regarding your life. React calmly and confidently to your situations knowing there will be solutions, even if they are not the perfect solutions you seek.