Depression

What is depression? Is it having sadness that consumes you everyday? Is it thinking you aren't good enough for anyone in your life? Maybe it's feeling so alone and misunderstood that you feel as though you're slowly drowning in the middle of an ocean with no one for miles to hear your cries for help.

I was diagnosed with severe major depressive disorder a year ago. Two years ago I tried to end my life. Thirty aspirin later and contact with the wrong person led me to the hospital where I got to have a 72-hour hold for my protection. You'd think after that experience and seeing how much I was loved, those thoughts would go away right? Wrong. They still cross my mind every once in awhile.

I've been "sad" since the age of seven. I can remember feeling as though I wasn't important enough for my parents or anyone in my family. It really messes you up thinking that for so long. You kind of just start to think it's better off if you were out of their lives. They'd be happier right? You've never really been a good daughter, sister, niece, or granddaughter anyways right?

After my diagnosis, I was put on antidepressants. They worked for awhile. I did good for a solid four months. One day a thought crossed my mind that I didn't need tiny capsules to make me a "better," "happier" me. So I stopped taking them. The side effects weren't great. Breakdowns every other day turned into breakdowns every other hour. My relationship soon ended after that, and I decided to really work on my behavior.

Every day was a constant battle with myself. Being in my own head was a nightmare. I was constantly told I'm too hard to handle. Well, trust me, if you were in my head, you'd be terrified of what you found. It's hard fighting for someone to stay in your life when you don't even want to be alive. The amount of people I watched walk away really screwed me up. Helped me believe I didn't have any worth. I didn't deserve to be happy. I didn't deserve to be alive. Life will be happier for everyone as soon as I'm gone.

I honestly never thought I'd get through it. Depression isn't just a feeling. It becomes a part of your personality. It consumes who you are and sucks on your soul. When you think you're done and happy again, it creeps up behind you and destroys your life AGAIN and AGAIN. It's never over. This is why so many people feel helpless. Most don't understand the severity of this disease. The amount of suicides that happen in the US still doesn't strike our interest. How many deaths are we gonna let happen before we take more action?

I can't tell you I've had an epiphany and my depression is cured. It will always be a part of me. What I can tell you is I'm happy MOST days. I never thought I'd be able to say that. I've spent my life having depression as my normal state and happiness showing up every once in a blue moon. I'm finding who I am as a person and growing so much along the way. I feel if I share my story, it can help others and show they shouldn't be afraid to show theirs.

Just remember people do care. You are worth so much more than what you give yourself credit for. Help is just a call or drive away. Before taking that blade to your wrist, remember your sister telling you how much she loves you. Before downing all of those pills, remember how great you are at basketball and how much everyone loves watching you play. Before putting that bullet in your skull, remember there are so many people just like you who understand and would love to help. Don't give up. You're amazing. You've got THIS.