I knew he was using but I didn't know how bad it had gotten. I still see him in my dreams, but it was before it had gotten really bad. I don't want to remember him like that. When we first met he told me falling for him would ruin my life and I laughed. I know what he meant now but he didn't ruin my life. I think he saved it. I wish being in love was enough. I wish it counted for anything at all.
I was scared for the love I had for him. Sometimes when you get close to someone you end up on the other side of them. Life is just like that. you meet people, you love them and then you lose them and you never see them again it happens to everyone and there is nothing you can do about it. The day he died of an Overdose my heart broke. It's been years and my heart is still broken.
The last thing he posted on Instagram was a picture of me, him, and my dog. The caption says no matter what, no matter where this woman is my best friend. Somedays I stare at that post. It feels like he is haunting the internet. five years ago today he posted a picture of my dog and tagged me. 10 years ago he friend me on Facebook. he's everywhere. I mourn for what could have been as well as what was. He was always so kind. For a long time, I thought that I could help. I thought that my loving and supporting him was enough for him to stop.
When I was living in New York City I walked past the church that held his funeral. The pastor's words come falling like a storm. How he called him a sinner and that now he's happier. So the drugs that took his life didn't cause him any pain. I don't think the pastor knew his name. I refuse to kneel and pray I don't think of him that way. But I lit him a candle in every cathedral across Europe. I hope he knows he's still my protector. I tried to forgive but I can't forget the blunt in his fist. I know that his family was heartsick but I need someone to blame. I know how they blame me. I know what he'd say. He'd tell me it was his fault. I should put all my arrows away. I was so angry for a long time. Angry about how he died, that he was alone. That I wasn't there.
I don't know if there's a heaven but that doesn't mean I don't like to think of him there. I bet he's hanging out with the best. I'm sure he's still singing and I bet that he's just a little bit out of key. He was a storm that never rolled in. He was the northern lights in that stupid city and fleeting thing. I bury his memory in the garden I watch them grow with the flowers in spring. I keep him with me. He's always with me. It's hard and it's cold here. Colder here than it was in New York. I thought Leaving would change how I felt and was wrong. It took me a long time to move on. To leave the city where it all went wrong. Leaving was the right thing to do. It doesn't matter if the only reasons I've been back were funerals. I don't think that I can go back. It's just not the same anymore.
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