ADHD and Shame Resilience

ADHDer, you may think back on your past and shudder.

I know I did.

My past is full of guilt, embarrassment, and shame. I spent many nights awake thinking about all the ways I wish I could have done better.

But the thing is, I was already doing the best I could with the skills and knowledge I had at the time.

That’s the truth.

In our lifetimes we will be multiple, MULTIPLE versions of ourselves. With every new version of us we become, we leave another version of ourselves behind.

Glennon Doyle said, "Our next life will always cost us this one."

As much as we would like to, we can’t toss our old editions aside. They weren’t shitty first attempts at being a functional human; they were necessary intermediary steps.

Those versions learned the lessons, developed the skills, accumulated the experiences, and asked for the help we needed to get this far so we can go further.

Without them, we’d be nowhere.

I am building something I call 'shame resilience'. I'm not sure if I heard this term somewhere before or if I made it up, but basically it's this: I am strengthening my ability to bounce back after experiencing shame without beating myself up into rallying.

I think many ADHDers are very susceptible to shame spirals, and from my personal experience and chats with other ADHDers, I think they usually go like this:

-We create a goal/intention

-We expect to change forever overnight

-We miss one or two days after a good run when we convinced ourselves that we, "finally got our shit together"

-We beat ourselves up over our 'failure' and shame ourselves

-The goal starts to trigger feelings of shame

-We avoid the goal to avoid the feelings of shame.

-The goal/intention gets abandoned

Kinda Pavlovian, isn't it?

The more shame we feel the less likely we are to get back on the horse, so the end result is that we quit that goal, and we have more evidence in our case file to 'prove' that we are 'total failures' that can't follow-through with anything.

It's rough.

Here's what I am trying to do differently:

-I create a goal/intention

-I break the goal down into one increment higher than I am currently achieving (If I am doing something 0 times a week, I decide to do it once a week)

-I identify the reason why this specific goal is so important to me

-I decide ahead of time that it is TOTALLY normal if it takes me a while to achieve this small goal (I do have ADHD after all.)

-When I miss a day, I notice and label the shame I am feeling,

-I tell myself, it's okay, I just did EXACTLY what I expected myself to do

-I determine what went wrong

-I solve for that problem for next time

Notice that shame is still in this cycle, it just doesn't take the wheel. I don't make the shame mean that I am beyond all help. It just means my ADHD brain is showing up exactly as an ADHD brain should. That's it. That's all.

Here is a list of things that I am messing up all the time:

-Riding my spin bike weekly

-Reading my baby-book nightly

-Meditating at 9:00am daily

-Walking twice a week

But the thing that's great is, if I mess up, shame doesn't stop me anymore. This means I still show up and try, instead of hiding from my shame.

Do I do this perfectly all the time? No.

Does it help me, no matter how inconsistent I am? Yes.

So my friends, where could you develop more shame resilience?

PS. My membership takes care of ADHDers' bodies, minds, hearts, and souls! Seriously. SERIOUSLY!

It includes:

-Yoga classes for all levels with time for questions after each class

-Mindfulness practices and pose tutorials in a HUGE recorded library

-Body doubles so you can work along side other ADHDers to help you do the hard/boring things

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-Special events to help you set intentions and follow-through

-ADHD-friendly supports to prevent any shame surrounding consistency

-And membership to a non-judgmental, supportive, loving, and hilarious ADHD Slack community (Seriously, I love them SO MUCH!!!)

Follow me at @adhd.yoga and check out my online studio at adhdyoga.ca.