My Emotional Support Dinosaur

I bring it with me always

Everywhere I go

To work, to shops, to parties,

Because it takes away my woe.

I scarcely need to feed it,

Because much to my delight,

It likes to snack on all my problems,

To stem its appetite.

When my boss made me redundant,

It squashed him into paste,

And when the in-laws came to visit,

None of them went to waste.

When the bus left my stop too early,

And I missed it by just the slightest tick,

My dino chewed it down to shrapnel,

And used it as a toothpick.

When my ex found a new lover

It had a two-course meal,

It used all our photos as a napkin,

And garnished them with onion peel.

When the Uber to the party

Cancelled without the slightest warning,

My great big hungry lizard,

Had it for breakfast in the morning.

When the neighbour’s dog barked one night

So loudly it woke me up,

My dino had a midnight snack

And devoured that yappy pup.

When the woman at the grocer,

Pushed in line and cut me off,

She was crunched up ever so quickly

I barely got to scoff.

When the buff guys at the gym

Laughed and made me insecure,

It had a high protein snack,

And turned them to manure.

When the police came by my house

To place me under arrest

My dino found their badges

Tricky to digest.

When they brought in the airforce,

All their efforts were in vain,

Because the last thing those pilots heard was

‘Here comes the aeroplane’.

When they sent in the subs,

And ships full of marines

It cracked them open and ate them up

Like tins of angry blue sardines.

When the last man surrendered,

And met his own demise,

I saw my dinosaur had grown,

To an incomprehensible new size.

But now I have no problems left,

Its stomach’s sounding oh so hollow,

And it’s looking at me like

Something it wants to swallow.

I try to find more problems,

For it to chew and maul on,

But I know it’s gonna eat me because

I’ve been the problem all along.