What I learned from being abused

I always said that I would never be in the position to be in an abusive relationship. That I would never put up with it. Somehow, I found myself in the exact position that I swore I would never get into. Looking back, I can see the red flags that I decided to ignore before we moved into together. All the things that I should have paid attention to, or that I shouldn't have let go. I trusted him. He did a good job at making me think that we were in the same mindset. So I believed that he wanted the same things that I wanted. Yes, I should have noticed all the things, but it's easy to say that now. Once I moved there, I did the number one thing that a woman should never do. I let myself be isolated, and it happened so quickly. So when things started to go down hill, I thought that I didn't have any options to get out. I was trying to make my family work. Trying to give my daughter the family that she deserved. The number one thing that I forgot is that it is better for a child to come from a broken home than an unhappy one. Because he was my daughter's father, I tolerated things that I would never tolerate. Such as him drinking every day, or smoking, when I hate both of those things. When the abuse started, I was still so shocked. The first time he hit me was when he woke me up in the middle of the night. I was shocked because I was sleeping, and because I never thought that he would do that. Regardless of any weaknesses that we had in our relationship, or that he had, I always thought that I was safe with him. Of course, until I wasn't.

There are some things that it taught me. Lessons that I am grateful for.

It taught me about my own strength.

Going through what I went through, I now know that I am stronger than I think. There was a time when I was going through it that I thought I wasn't able to get out. That I wasn't able to stand up for myself. However, there was a day when I flipped a switch. When I realized who I was, and what I deserved, and knew I was strong enough to get through it. I know now that no matter what happens to me, that I am strong enough to make it past anything.

That I want to live a life of joy.

When I was living with him, it was hard to find joy. A lot of things that I wanted to do were taken off the table from him. Being out of that relationship, I know that I will never go back to living a life of fear ever again. The only thing that I want for my life is joy, and happiness.

No person is worth lowering your standards.

No matter what someone tells you, they are not worth you lowering your standards. You are worthy of everything that you want, and of great treatment. I let him get into my head, telling me that he was the best I would ever find. That no one was ever going to love me, except him. That is how they get you, after all. Now I know that I deserve to be treated well. I also know that if I am not going to be treated well, then I would rather be on my own. No one person is better than being on your own. I will never let myself lower my standards of what I want in a relationship or for my life ever again. I doubt that I will ever date again, but if I do, it would be someone that treats me well. For someone to come into my life, they have to bring a lot to come into it. Otherwise, I will just be on my own. I don't need a relationship that badly.

That I am lucky to have people in my life.

I am very lucky and grateful that I have my family in my life. I am one of the lucky ones that I had people who came to my rescue when I needed them. Being so independent, I never wanted to depend on them. However, I am lucky now that I was able to count on them when I needed to.

That the system is broken, and needs help to be fixed.

While I am a lucky one that had people who helped me, this showed me just how broken the system is. Before I turned to my family, I called a helpline for help. The information that she gave me was heartbreaking. The shelters were all full, so I wasn't able to go there. My options were very limited. It showed me just how broken the system is. Not everyone has people that they can turn to. I hope that one day I can give back to the system to fix it. To give people the support they need when they need it.

To go after my goals, and not complain.

My biggest piece of frustration with my ex was that he would always talk about the things that he wanted to have, all the money he wanted to make. However, he never did anything to go after those goals. It was so frustrating every day listening to him say 'if only', and then he did nothing that day. Now I know that if I want a certain life, or have certain goals, that I need to work towards them. Nothing is going to fall out of the sky to save you. No one is come to save you. You need to save yourself. If you are praying to win the lottery, you need to first buy a ticket. If you do the work, then it will come to you, as long as you work hard and believe that it will. I want to be one of those people that work hard towards their goals, towards making things happen. I want to build my dream life, and to never be one of those people that don't work towards my goals.

It is true what they say, God doesn't give you more than he thinks that you can handle. And everything happens for a reason. No matter the struggle that I have gone through, I know that it happens for a reason. I need to be grateful for what I have gone through. Take the lessons that I have learned, and to move forward to a better life. I know that I can build my dream life.

-T