I have always been a bigger girl my whole life. I was always trying to lose weight, trying the newest fad diet. I always lost weight but then would gain it back again. When I had a baby at 31 I gained weight of course and ended up at my heaviest at 220 lbs. Then I broke my arm needing surgery making me unable to work out for a long time. I had heard people say that you need to get to a point where you are fed up, fed up of being sick and tired. I use to think that of course I want to lose weight and be healthy that is crazy. But they really are right. At some point I got fed up with always lacking energy, not being able to do things and just generally not being happy in my own skin. I had lost a lot of strength after I broke my arm and at first I just wanted to gain some of it back. So I started off on a journey to be healthy. My focus was not to lose weight specifically, it was to be healthy. Which is my first bit of advice, focus on health. I focused on my want to be able to keep up with my daughter. I would see that I wasn't checked into life and wasn't present with her unable to keep up with all her energy all the time. With health as your focus it's easier I found to see the successes. Not all successes are about losing weight. Maybe it's losing inches instead, or just having more energy. There are many other things that come with being healthy. Losing weight is sometimes just a benefit. Most people feel like the start to workout and then don't lose weight right away so they give up. Focus on the other things and believe that losing weight will come.
Growing up I remember my mom always cooking. I remember people always saying how good my mom's food was and it is very good. But looking back in many degrees a lot of it was processed in some ways. Cakes made from a box rather than from scratch. That can be a great, taste and cost effective opinion for many people. Of course as I started to grow up I never realized that there was a different opinion with food. Even going into my early twenties I still was eating like that in many ways. Then I watched a few movies over a period of time and started to change my course of life. One being 'The Bucket list'. About a man dying who makes a list of things to do before you die. It started to thinking about the same thing as well. The other two being, 'Julie and Julia' and 'Eat pray love'. It was about that time that I started to see that food could be something different, something that brings great joy and happiness to people. And I wondered if I could do the same thing.
She looked at herself in the mirror blood on her face and what would most likely be a black eye. She couldn't help but to wonder how she got there. She remembered the first time that she sow her mothers face the same way. It must have been happening for a long time before she sow it, she realized. She toke a deep breath and did the only thing that she knew to do, she cleaned up. She cleaned her face up, and got herself together. She went out into the living room and realized how much her life had become just like her childhood. The life that she swore that she never would have, the life that she promised herself she would never let happen. But somehow it had become the one thing that she never wanted, the one thing that she knew maybe. And just like when she was her a child she cleaned up so that she could go to sleep and wake up like it never happened. She went to sleep telling herself that she just needed to not make him so mad, she just needed to change and be better.
My whole family is filled with people who are addicts. Addicted to drugs, to pain, to being unhealthy, to a lot of things. For as long as I can remember there has always been someone in my life that I was trying to save, trying to make better, sometimes the same people. I think I have tried to help my sister so many times, hoping that she gets better, hoping that she realizes just how great a life that she could have. It has taken me a long time to realize that you can't make someone be better, you can't make them want to have a better life.