Needing to be...and becoming; ME

Sincerely, a token of appreciation to ME.

Okay, let me start...

Q- Answer the questions below individually, as someone with a significantly unbalanced self-esteem, a people pleaser, is particularly no ones favorite not even yourself, looking for your inner peace, and wanting to be enough for yourself:

-Who am I to myself? What do I picture myself as? Do I regard myself with the same importance as I do with people that are not me?

A- I am supposed to be ME to myself but sadly, I don't think I recognize the person that is in my body right now. Sadly once again, I don't think I'm that important to be painted a specific picture. I am not that colorful, and even if I am, it is other people's colors painting me as something. A lot of pictures actually. No, I don't.

So, the above conversation happened between the supposed me then, and the ME I started wanting to really become, two years ago.

To myself, then, I was someone who was constantly striving to meet the expectations of others, often neglecting my own needs and desires. It was really hard for me to appreciate own worth. I had a habit of downplaying and not acknowledging my achievements, not even the effort I put into doing whatever it is. I often thought of myself as someone who is overlooked ,or that one person considered not as important as others. I woke up one day to realize I was someone who was always trying to please, but often feels like it's not enough. I struggled to see my own value. In fact, I didn't even believe I had one. I placed a ridiculously higher importance on others than I did on myself. I went out of my way, to meet their needs and wants, sometimes at the expense of my own well-being. This eventually lead to an imbalance in my relationships and life in general.

I woke up one day to realize all this. I started thinking, "nobody takes me serious, like...", "all these people take me for granted, what am I still doing here?", "wait...how come, I never noticed all this? Am I this desperate for companionship?"

So, I asked myself, "why do I desperately seek approval, validation and acknowledgement from others and not myself?" I couldn't figure out the answer on my own. So I asked a guidance counsellor and, let me just say I got stabbed multiple times that day. It was straight to the heart. But every single thing the counsellor said was true. I had to accept it to grow out of it. So, I painfully did so. It took a while for me to even come to terms with my discovery and even study my own self to see whether what I was told was correct. At some point I was in complete denial of reality because I simply couldn't believe the person I became over the years. It was never who I wanted to be. I had dreams. I had a vision for myself. But I destroyed that on the path of making others realize their own dreams, or at least I thought I was doing so.

I was just a teen, why did I have to go through all those painful and unforgettable experiences? And along the way, I didn't even value and love myself by myself when nobody did, and when I needed my own self assurance desperately.

"I WANT TO BE ME" was what I said to myself after the whole realization of what a messy person I was that represented ME at the time.

Firstly I took some time to reflect on who I originally was before everything went downhill, what I value and the things I value, my own personal values before, and what brings me joy. I set boundaries, so I could stay true to myself, and protect my own peace and well being . I always reminded myself that it's okay to say no and prioritize my own needs. No one will do so for me. I have to take responsibility for myself. I stopped being hard on myself. Whenever I tried something and failed, I treated it like success, I celebrated the failures too, for I was sure it was still progress, I told myself it is. It was how I managed over time to take no set-backs to heart.

Secondly I taught and trained myself to treat ME with the same compassion (or even more than) I did with others. I tried learning to be okay with no one understanding me, as long as I know what I am doing is right and not hurting anybody. I tried to come to terms with my imperfections and just live happily with all. Nothing and no one is perfect anyway. Perfection is a myth. Only God is perfect. I also started journaling, writing down everything that happened, everything I did daily and how I felt about the happenings.

Thirdly, I stopped sitting in a negative setting, stopped associating with negative-minded people and also learnt to confront whatever I wasn't okay with immediately. I stopped bottling feelings up inside, whatever wrong you do to me, you have to know with immediate effect!

I stopped comparing myself to others, that was actually really hard to stop. No one told me it was going to be that challenging. I frequently chanted to myself, "this journey is mine alone, and I am on a path that is uniquely mine, I've got this".

Well, all these steps, I took one at a time. And, even while I was on the journey, I still had to go through some major episodes of depression. I just never gave up, but it was never easy. Actually even while I was doing it, it still sometimes seemed pretty unimaginable to achieve, to me. So, that lead to the creation of a new goal, which was "to believe in myself and my strength, no matter what!", that practically became a prayer, sort of to me.

I didn't care anymore about being anyone's favorite, I made myself my own favorite person. That was another tough one because it was pretty much connected to my then habit of seeking validation from others.

But then again,

It's important to remember that seeking some degree of validation is normal and healthy. We are social creatures, and positive feedback from others can be affirming. However, it's equally crucial to learn to trust your own judgment and cultivate self-worth from within.

I am so proud of myself for coming this far and never giving up on me. I am grateful towards me for still having a pure heart despite all the happenings.

And also, to the past ME: thank you darling, for remaining strong. You had it rough, cold and bitter but still managed to keep it together till I emerged. Thank you. I love you, more than I can fathom myself, to the farthest thing from earth existing, and back.

There is one thing I have to say though. It's the fact that I have come to a realization that the journey of finding myself and peace is actually endless. It is continuous till the end of my story. And the thing here is, there will still be challenges as I move on to the next chapters. Challenges that will only become harder and more complex.

Nobody told me about that. I had to come to that realization by my own self, PAINFULLY. But it's okay. I will still live. Yes ! I will not just survive, I will live also, to the fullest, God willing.

Remember my people, becoming your authentic self is a lifelong journey. It's about continuous growth and self-discovery. Be patient and kind to yourself along the way. You have the strength and capacity to be the person you want to be.